


Iteration

by taebyte



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band)
Genre: Band!fic, Circus!AU, M/M, Post-Lawsuit & Pre-Lawsuit, Suicide, Time Travel, Various AU's, non-au, will tag as chapters go on, zombie!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2019-05-30 16:10:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 83,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15100346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taebyte/pseuds/taebyte
Summary: After finding himself dwelling in the past, Jaejoong experiences a vivid nightmare concerning his ex-members. However when he "wakes up" he finds himself in another dream mimicking memories from the days when he'd still been a part of TVXQ. Confused, he stumbles through the dream, only to finally awaken in a world where everything seems to have changed due to decisions he'd made in his dreams. Now faced with the idea that he might have changed his future for the worst, he desperately stumbles his way back into the past to correct his mistakes, all while trying not to loose his mind, and his heart to the boy he'd once, and still very much, loves.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, where to begin with this fic... 
> 
> So this idea came about after watch the 'Shelter' MV by Porter Robinson & Madeon, with the whole creating new worlds and such. But I also has so many YunJae au ideas, and I kinda wanted to incorporate them in somehow... So then THIS was born from that! 
> 
> It might be a little hard to follow at first. But I'll leave some explanation notes at the bottom of the fic!

 

* * *

 

 Fast fingers move across the counter, dipping into drawers to pull out wads, and wads, of old photos carelessly placed aside in a mad rush to simply hide away mess after mess. A sigh leaves his lips, a complaint echoing in his mind towards a past version of himself for his laziness.

But then he curses his present self for choosing today of all days to have started the task of spring cleaning.

“ _Well, it’s now or never._ ” He thinks to himself, deft fingers turning over the polaroid’s stacked in his hands with a flick of his wrist.

A rather grim expression coils its way across his face as he catches sight of 5 familiar people from the past, each donning matching smiles, and pressed in so closely together that it’s near impossible to dismiss the years of easy friendship being showcased.

“ _Ah…_ ” He can only think sadly, moving the picture to the back, instead glancing to the next one in the pile, and urging himself to press down the cold feeling of bitter longing that swamps its way into his stomach.

Another photo of the same people stares back at him, all with the same expressions, only this time in a different location, pressed closely together into frame. His lips betray him, a sad smile slides into place, memories flooding forth.

Like a bad addiction, he ploughs on, forgetting entirely about the mug of coffee he’d left steaming on the kitchen counter, and sets himself down on his sofa, flipping through the photos slowly. Each one brings back its own unique memory attached it to, and before he even realises it, he’s over 10 years deep into the past with a pretty sunset glowing in from the windows.

His mind wanders frequently to the past, it’s not something he would ever try to deny, and he often finds himself pondering the ways in which things might have turned out differently. If maybe: he’d said something else, done something else, waited longer before making rash decisions. Would it have changed things for the better? Or was their future already predetermined from the start?

A selfish part of him likes to think there might have been a different road. That there was a world out there where things had turned out differently, a world in which they were still together and happy.

“ _Not likely._ ” The negative part of his brain chips in. “ _You burnt that bridge a long time ago._ ”

Sourly, he slaps the pictures to his coffee table, biting his lip as he catches sight of his younger self, pressed cheek to cheek, with Yunho's younger self. There went that knife again, stabbing at his insides, and twisting painfully for good measure. He reaches out, sliding a different image across the top of it to block out the blissful expressions, and the painfully obvious hints that it had been taken while they’d been snuggled up close in bed together.

 _God_. Those were the _worst_ photos to look at when he was feeling like this. Just more painful reminders of something he’d never experience again.

“ _Well, there goes the spring cleaning idea._ ” He thinks bitterly, dragging himself up off the couch to slouch his way to his bedroom.

Bed sounded like a good option to his weary brain right now. A chance to shut down, and hopefully forget about memories of the past. He’d clear the photos away tomorrow. Right now, he needs to mentally box up his memories again...

**-X-**

He’s running.

From what, he’s not sure. But there’s a strong grip on his wrist, jerking him forward with every step, ensuring that he keeps moving.  He looks up, eyes staring at the back of a broad figure ahead of him, and chills rush up his spine at the familiarity of it.

“C’mon Jaejoong!” The person tugging him along calls back irritably. “Move faster!”

He stumbles slightly, cursing the fast falling rain that’s obscuring his vision of the road ahead. He must be dreaming, he realises, face creasing in concern as he hears a gargled mash of inhuman noises come from behind them.

“ _Lucid dreaming?_ ” He thinks to himself, marvelling at the very thought of it as he’s tugged around a sharp corner abruptly.

He remembers Junsu reading about it once. Back when he’d gone through a phase of reading up on all sorts of psychological thoughts and theories. A dream in which the dreamer is aware they’re dreaming.

“ _That’s kind of cool..._ ” He thinks, a grin curling across his lips.

Another round of inhumane groaning and shrieking comes from behind him again, and when Jaejoong turns his head he sees the scary sight of a black figure jerking sporadically from side to side as it moves forward. Fear briefly flashes through him, eyes widening as the figure made a god-awful mix of a gurgled roar and high-pitched wail.

“What the hell _is_ that?!” He yells, whipping his head back round, fixing himself with a fierce command to keep his head firmly set forward.

A familiar laugh bubbles ahead of him, and his eyes train in on the face of the person leading him. Tall, dark, and handsome, and every bit as desirable as he remembers. His heart leaps into his throat, body buzzing with shock.

It would seem he still remembers him perfectly, right down to that little mole by his lips...

“Hey, don’t space out on me now!” Yunho calls back to him, smile wide.

He can’t reply, voice stuck in his throat, clogged with emotion. Instead he strives to keep up, focusing on the feeling of placing one foot before the other.

However, that soon comes to an abrupt halt, as Jaejoong spies a hoard of the same creepy looking creatures as the one tailing them up ahead. They’ve congregated together in a group, effectively blocking off their escape, and Yunho utters out a quick curse at their appearance.

“Great.” He mutters, drawing to a sudden halt, and placing an arm out to stop Jaejoong from moving further forward. “Guess we’re fighting our way out of this one. Changmin better get here soon with that backup.”

Jaejoong perks his head up at the mention of TVXQ's youngest, and he can’t help but wonder, not for the first time, as to just what the hell is going on.

“Ok.” Yunho then says, moving behind Jaejoong suddenly so that they’re back to back. “Cover me yeah?” He asks.

“What?” Jaejoong can only reply, still beyond confused, and now terrified as he catches sight of their stalker from before heading straight for them. “Wait a secon-”

He doesn’t get chance to finish, before Yunho pulls two hand guns from a holster at his waist, bringing them both up to fire off several bullets. The noise feels deafening to his ears, and he ducks by instinct, crouching down low and narrowly missing a surprise attack from one of the creatures.

“What are you _doing_ Jae?!” Yunho cries at him, a genuine look of disapproval etching his features; and he would know - his dance moves had often been on the receiving end of it many times before. “We need to take these things down! Use your damn gun!” He shouts, moving away from him to get a better shot.

Feeling paralysed by fear, and a slither of wonder, he watches the other take down two more creatures, and then the one that had lunged at Jaejoong. He seems to aim for their heads, with almost expert precision – a skill Jaejoong didn’t believe him to have back in reality. It’s scary, a feeling that amplifies when Jaejoong moves a hand to find a gun strapped at his own waist.

This isn’t real though, right? It feels it though. The sounds of, whatever these things are, wailing, and screeching. The scent of blood, guts, and rotting flesh. The _feeling_ of the sharp rocks digging into his palms pressing down tight to the ground as he sinks down. But, it’s _not_. This was all just the creation of overactive thoughts his mind had conjured together into a fabricated dream.

Slowly, he pulls the gun Yunho had been screaming about before from a holster strapped to his waist, and aims it dead ahead at a deformed, human looking, creature ambling towards him. He knows he’s finished if he doesn’t do something, sat down on the floor like a sitting duck, it’s the worst place to be. He needs to fire. Only, when he pulls the trigger, nothing happens, and his eyes widen as the creature locks onto him, snarling like a wild animal.

It runs wildly towards him, arms flailing about its body, mouth wide open displaying it’s sharp, blood stained, teeth. He’s going to die, he can only think, and with that in mind he raises his arms in a useless attempt to shield himself. Only the loud crack of a gun shot goes off before death takes him. It’s sounds close, too close, and when he opens his eyes he’s greeted to the site of Yunho’s jean clad backside.

He’s too scared to even think about how glorious it looks. Instead, he can only drop his arms back down to his side’s once more, and gape. Yunho’s dispatched his would-be killer it seems, and he’s not all too happy about it. Apparently, it had been the last one – a quick glance about the area, and the site of so many motionless zombie corpses, tells him that.

Wow, had Yunho really gone that hard-core and taken all of them out himself? Even in his dreams Yunho was amazing it seemed.

However, his moment of awe is short lived, as Yunho turns back to him abruptly, eyes narrowed, and angry.

“What the hell was that?!” Yunho demands, reaching forward to snatch his gun from him, twirling it over in his hands. “You didn’t even take the safety off? What the hell are you playing at?!” He yells, staring at him in horrified disbelief.

Jaejoong can only stare at him, mouth opening and closing as he tries to think of some kind of comeback that wouldn’t make things any worse. Decorum wasn’t _exactly_ his strongest skill. He had a terrible history of making smart mouthed responses that usually ended with Yunho flying off the handle into an angry rage.

But back then, Yunho hadn’t been in the possession of a gun, and dream or not, Jaejoong didn’t fancy pushing it.

“I, urm…” He starts to say, pawing his mind for _something_ to lesson the tight look of irritation clinging to Yunho’s face.

The words that he wants don’t come, and instead he catches a flicker of movement from behind Yunho’s leg. A slow, slightly shaky, swing of a limb occurs from one of the broken looking humanoids behind them, and Jaejoong watches in horror as it abruptly jerks upright, rolling over onto it’s stomach. His mouth opens once more to shout out a warning, but before he can even form a single word, the creature shoots forward and launches itself into the air with a wail.

Despite Yunho having been such a sharp shooter before, it’s clear to see that his body doesn’t lend itself to speed – and it probably doesn’t help that Jaejoong had been distracting him with his useless, rather lacking, gunslinging skills. Before Yunho can even think about turning, the beast leaps onto his back, head snapped back as it howls out a garbled noise from the back of it’s throat, and then dives down to bite into the tanned column of Yunho’s neck.

There’s blood – so much blood. It streams down from the bite, bleeding into the fabric of Yunho’s clothes like a burst river, and the _noise_ , the noise Yunho makes… It’s gut wrenching, and he can only shake in his skin, body paralysed, while he sits watching up in muted terror. 

The creature tears away from Yunho, bouncing forward to couch down in front of Jaejoong. But Jaejoong’s eyes are still fixed on Yunho, and he way he goes crashing down backwards to the ground with a heavy thud. He lets a shaky breath tumble from his lips, watching as Yunho makes a gurgled groan of pain, rolling onto his side slowly in a feat that must take all of his remaining strength to manage.

He’s not dead at least, Jaejoong summarises, feeling beyond thankful as tears start to prick in his eyes at the thought of Yunho dying. However, he’s unable to pause for thought long, his eyes whipping back to the creature looming above him, intent crystal clear as it snarls at him with savage ire.

It steps forward, continue to snarl as it does, it’s foul breath fanning over his face as the vile stench spews from its open mouth. He tries to backup, sliding back across the pebbled ground, the small stones cutting into his palms as he goes. But the zombie merely steps forward once more, now screeching at him as it realises Jaejoong’s trying to escape.  He swings himself to the side at the noise, dropping his head low in a pitiful attempt to hide himself. He already knows that there’s no way he’s getting away, not in this position.

Plus, if this really is a dream, then maybe his death will finally end it, and he can wake up in his warm bed; safe and sound, and far away from the sickening sight of Yunho’s, still warm, but slowly dying body.

Only, for a second time, the sweet release of death doesn’t come.  Instead, there’s another sharp crack of a gunshot, and Jaejoong's head snaps up, eyes wide with shock, as he glances to Yunho’s motionless body. But he’s still lying there, still bleeding out across the ground like a gutted piece of meat.

“Jaejoong!” Someone shouts, the creature before him crashing down in front of him; hopefully this time for the last.

Jaejoong tries to breath, mind scrambling as he stares at nothing but red, red, red, and the many bodies sewn out across the ground around him. It’s like something from a movie, only this is far worse because it feels all too real. As real as the heavy sound of thundering footfalls rampaging across the earth towards him.

Hands are on him, pulling at him until he’s face to face with the familiar faces of Changmin, Yoochun, and Junsu flitting across his vision. The first two attack him with questions of if he’s ok, if he’s hurt, and then finally, what had happened to Yunho.

Yet, before he manages to reply, Junsu's voice cuts the 20/20 questions dead in their tracks with an abrupt statement that has Jaejoong reeling with confusion once more.

“Guys! I think he’s turning!” Junsu calls in a panic, his words seeming so far away from the rest, and when Jaejoong turns to find him, he sees him hovering about Yunho’s unmoving body.

“ _Turning?_ ” He questions, mind ticking with the speed of an old grandfather clock. “ _What the hell does that mean?_ ”

Apparently, it means nothing good. Because no sooner had Junsu announced it, Jaejoong finds himself promptly abandoned by the other two; their bodies practically flying to Yunho’s side in a flurry of panicked movement. He follows, albeit a little less keen, and catches the heavy scent of blood as he does; that awful, sharp, metallic tang that hangs about the air like a thick fog. He already knows that the sight that will greet him is going to be a morbid one from that alone. But when he reaches them, standing a little behind the crouched figures of the other three, he still finds that he can only stare on in muted horror for a few seconds before his stomach starts turning in warning.

Yunho’s convulsing slightly, letting out grunted moans of pain as he throws his head back to reveal a deep wound, bleeding profusely, at his neck. He feels sick at the sight, his heart dropping into an icy pit at the base of his stomach as he falls to his knees and tries to move closer.

“Yunho?” He whispers, tears welling up in his eyes, and voice trembling as his hand moves to reach for the other’s shakily.

“We’ve got to get him out of here.” Changmin says, taking charge of the situation suddenly, eyes set hard, and tone methodical.

“No way!” Yoochun snaps in return, head darting up to stare at him ludicrously. “We can’t move him – not in this condition.”

“Well we can’t just sit here! All this blood will soon start to attract more zombies.”

“But we need to stop the bleeding first! What if he’s already-”

“Shut up!” Changmin cries abruptly, and if Jaejoong had been able to tear his eyes away from Yunho for a moment, he’d have seen the frantic shaking of his hands. “Just shut up, ok. He’s going to be _fine_ – right Jaejoong?”

Jaejoong doesn’t reply, he can’t. Instead, he stares on, eyes flicking down as he feels something cold touch his fingers. Dread, cold as ice, spikes through his system when he catches sight of Yunho pushing his gun towards him, the barrel pressing up against his fingertips.

“What-” He goes to ask, voice croaking on emotion as he stares into Yunho’s half lidded gaze.

“You… You need to kill me.” Yunho says, taking a gurgled breath, blood clotting in his throat as he tries to fill his lungs with air.

“Yunho _no!_ ” Changmin shouts angrily, Junsu and Yoochun both taking sharp gasps of air as the words register with them.

“You have to!” Yunho presses urgently, shoving the gun towards Jaejoong with what little strength he has left, strength that seems to be all too rapidly fading.

Jaejoong shakes his head in the face of it, eyes pinching as tears spill from them. He can’t, he can’t do that! No matter if this is a dream or not, he just can’t.

“Please, _please_ Jae!” Yunho pushes, collapsing into a coughing fit, and bringing up a small splatter of blood. “Don’t… _Don’t_ let me become one of them.” He begs weakly, eyes pleading.

“I-I can’t!” Jaejoong sobs, taking his hand instead, and dropping his head miserably. “Please, _please_ don’t ask me to do that – anything but that.”

“If you don’t then…” Yunho says weakly, eyes starting to glaze over slightly as he speaks.

Yoochun sees it, and his face pulls into something sympathetic, his hand reaching out to gently rest on Jaejoong’s shoulder.

“I… I think you should do it Jae.” He urges Jaejoong carefully, sighing when Jaejoong whips his head round to stare at him, wide eyed, and horror stricken. “He’s got a point. If we don’t do something, then he’s going to turn on us - he’ll kill us.”

“You can’t be serious!” Jaejoong cries. “How can you say that?!”

“It’s not like I want him to die either!” Yoochun shouts back at him, his hands balling into fists as he continues to glare at Jaejoong. “What’s gotten into you, huh? We all knew there was a chance this might happen!”

Jaejoong is about to argue, that no, no he hadn’t known that there was a chance of this happening; and then maybe add that he was still under the impression that this whole thing was a masterpiece mess conjured by his backstabbing excuse of a subconsciousness. However, Yunho’s voice cuts in before he has a chance to, and Jaejoong swings his head back to stare at him once more.

“Ah, even after all this time… You’re still… Still too soft for this world.” He says, gently squeezing Jaejoong’s hand within his own. “I really love you.”

If his heart could really crack, Jaejoong feels like this would be the moment it happened. For the moment the last four words are out there, a pain strikes at his heart, and agony bleeds from it. The four of them can only watch Yunho’s eyes slowly close, and Jaejoong feels the hand wrapped within his own go limp, taking the last shreds of his composure with it.

“No.” He breathes softly, the waterworks within his eyes stopping momentarily as the world grinds to a halt, his brain slowly processing what was happening before him.

Then it happens, before he can even think to stop himself. The white noise within his mind clears, and a shrill shrieking din rips from his throat. He’s like a banshee, wailing, and screeching as he drops down to lie across Yunho’s still corpse, his fingers entangling themselves within his clothes.

“ _Yunho!_ ” He hears himself cry, mouth open wide as he sobs openly like a child.

Hands on him, people coaxing him hurriedly, but everything seems to blur around him as he keeps screaming, his voice scratching against his throat until it feels like it’s burning. But he doesn’t stop, he can’t, the image of Yunho lying there dead seems etched into his mind like a scar.

His head fuzzes, images blurring together into a mangled mash of colours. The sensation is familiar, and his squints his eyes for moment, trying to focus his vision. But his eyes don’t cooperate, and before he can register what’s happened, he feels his body crumple under him. The sky seems to reach for him, a rush of blue charging towards him - or is it the floor? His mind can’t quite work it out. Was that why everything was blurring to black-

-X-

He wakes.

There’s a name on his lips, voice screaming it like a desperate cry for help. Which, maybe it is, because someone’s there with him, hovering over him like an Angel of Death.

Yoochun, it’s Yoochun? A very tired looking Yoochun, and yet a Yoochun that looks younger, and better, than Jaejoong’s seen him in years. But… That doesn’t make any sense. Because Yoochun wasn’t with him last night, and he certainly doesn’t have a key to his apartment, which begs the question as to how he’d gotten in.

That question has to wait though, because a second later, just as Yoochun’s mouth opens to say something, the door to the room flies open; angrily smacking against the wall and creating a loud bang that reverberates in the form of a booming echo. Following the violent movement comes three more people, each looking sleep ruffled, and sporting matching bedheads. Yet, despite their appearance, they seem a lot more awake than Jaejoong himself feels, especially when one of the intruders slaps the light switch, and the bright glare from the light on the ceiling blares down on him with an unnecessary intensely.

“What’s going on?!” One of them demands suddenly, and Jaejoong squints, forcing himself to rapidly readjust his eyesight to the newly lit room.

When he finally can see more than just a blurry outline of shapes and colours, he blinks, and looks up to see the sight of three eerily familiar people. His first, and rather _expressive_ thought is “what the fuck?”, but since that’s not nearly eloquent enough for his liking, he settles for the word “what?” – spoken in the smallest voice he thinks he might have ever given.

Because he doesn’t think he’s _ever_ been in a more mind-boggling situation than this.

Stood, huddled rather closely around him, are the figures of his both current, and past, band members. Only, they’re not quite the same as he remembers them. Yet, somehow, they are. In fact, they almost seemed to have de-aged back to the time when they’d still been together, or rather the _last_ time they’d been together. It’s terribly confusing.

But that’s not really the main issue from where Jaejoong’s sat. He’s got bigger issues on the brain, and he decides to voice it.

“What are you all _doing_ here?” He asks, trying to calm his breathing from the terrifying nightmare he’d just woken up from, while feeling his brow crumple into a deep frown at the current situation. “In my apartment no less. How the _hell_ did you get in?”

In all honestly, his brains only running at half capacity right now, still garbled from trying to process the sight of a dying Yunho, and the emotional torment it had wrought. So, he doesn’t think to realise that it’s impossible for Yunho, and Changmin, to have even been present in the first place until it’s too late.

“What are you talking about Jae?” Yunho asks, blinking at him inquisitively. “We heard you screaming, so we came to check that you’re ok.” He explains, flicking his gaze to Yoochun momentarily.

“Yeah, you were yelling Yunho’s name – must have been one heck of a dream!” Yoochun adds good naturedly, knocking his arm against his shoulder; a blatant attempt to brighten the mood.

“Am I still dreaming?” Jaejoong then asks (more to himself than anyone else) and dips his head down to stare at the blanket bunched up within his hands.

The blanket… It’s one he’s seen before, one he’d _used_ before _,_ way back when they’d been staying in Japan. He remembers it well, because it had been one of the spares they’d had when they’d first moved in. The light blue one, covered in a pastel star design. The detail is almost scary. This suddenly doesn’t feel like a dream – it’s far too real.  

“Dreaming? What are you talking about?” Yoochun asks him, planting a hand on his head to ruffle his hair good naturedly. “You’re awake now!” He laughs.

“Must have been some dream though.” Junsu says gently, looking ever so adorably concerned. “What were you dreaming about?”

Jaejoong stares at them for a moment, and then looks about the room he’s in pensively. It’s so achingly familiar to him.  The similarities to the dorm they’d stayed in while they’d been promoting in Japan are unsettling, and while he can’t quite remember it enough to say that _everything’s_ the same, he’s pretty sure he can cover enough for it to not be seen as coincidental.  That, combined with the current appearance of his members, is enough to have him convinced.

“No, I’m still dreaming.” He says firmly, groaning under his breath in frustration. “I should be back home, in my _own_ home.” He continues, lifting his head, and accidently making direct eye contact with Yunho. “You... You shouldn’t _be_ here.”

His statements met with awkward silence, the kind that makes you instantly want to say something just to escape the crushing quiet. Junsu, and Yoochun, seem stunned into shocked silence, unable to do anything but stand there gawping. Yunho too, appears stunned, but after a moment his face crumples into a concerned frown, lips pursed in thought. Changmin however raises an eyebrow thinly, crossing his arms across his chest in a rather displeased fashion.

“Ok, he’s broken.” He says, sounding utterly unimpressed. “What an earth are you talking about? We “shouldn’t _be_ here” – what kind of nonsense is that?”

Yunho moves forward, abruptly placing a hand to his forehead, still frowning. He seems to deliberate something for a brief moment, before pulling back.

“Maybe you’re still half awake.” He summarises. “Why don’t you go back to sleep? I’m sure you’ll be more with it in the morning.”  He adds with a kind smile.

Just the thought of going back to sleep makes his skin erupt with goose bumps. His body shivers violently at the outbreak, and he shakes his head. Staying in _this_ dream is a far better alternative then falling back into something similar to the one he'd had before. Even now he can still picture the bloodied image of Yunho’s corpse.

“ _No thank you_.” He thinks to himself.

Still, he nods at Yunho, knowing from experience that he wouldn’t let it go until Jaejoong at least met him halfway – especially when it came to his sleeping schedule. It was much easier to just give in, pretend to go along with it, and then just do as he pleased later.

So, he watches quietly as the younger members are usher off by Yunho back to bed. They send him concerned looks, quietly wishing him goodnight as Yunho closes the door behind them. He longs to call Yunho back, and maybe curl up against him. But that would mean having to actually fall asleep again, and Jaejoong doesn’t want to do that.

“You sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Yoochun offers softly, nudging his side with his hip.

He shakes his head mutely, keeping his gaze fixed dead ahead. The last thing he wants to do is talk about anything.

“Alright then.” Yoochun says, his tone sounding cheerier than before. “Well, I’m goanna try and get some sleep. Night Jae.”

“Night.” Jaejoong murmurs back, keeping his eyes set dead ahead at the door.

He waits until Yoochun’s breathing levels out to a steady lull, and then, as quietly as he can, he flips back the covers of his bed and carefully sets his feet down to the carpet.

The dorm is exactly how he remembers it. A flowing, open plan, living room, and cosy kitchen tucked away in the corner. The same sofas, plain in colour, and made from cheap, slightly itchy, material, that scratches against his skin when he brushes his fingers across the back wistfully as he passes. The familiar smattering of pictures, paintings, and occasional vinyl LP records hung in memory of some kind of sales achievement. Each brings a smile to his face, and each a different memory to mind. But the reminiscing doesn’t stop there as he spies something in particular set atop the counter, looking rather out of place almost.

That damn soy sauce gag bottle.

It almost brings tears to his eyes, and he glances away from it rather quickly, gathering both himself, and the fond memories associated to it, before locking it all back up tight once more. That’s not a road he wants to travel back down again now.

Although, he thinks to himself, reaching out to pick the bottle up, and roll it between his fingers thoughtfully, he does wonder where an earth the bottle had gone to. Was it yet another thing lost within the quick, and rather sudden, move Yoochun, Junsu, and himself had been forced to make from the TVXQ dorms? Perhaps Yunho, or Changmin still had it-

He plants it back down on the kitchen counter again - with _maybe_ just a little bit too much force, and winces at the afterthought.

“ _Dangerous thoughts_.” He reminds himself, moving away from the kitchen, and choosing to turn his eyes towards the rest of the room, before he started to get soppy over old ladles, and cooking pots he’d once used.

Thankfully his gaze lands on the distracting sight of the old dining table nestled up against the far wall, complemented by six matching chairs. He has to resist the urge to clear away the clutter of dishes, glasses, and take out containers littered atop of it. A sight which was truly irking his inner neat freak with every second his eyes remained settled upon it, nagging at him incessantly to tidy it away. There’s no _way_ he’s letting himself clean it up, not when this is all but a nostalgic dream.

It’s then he wonders just when he might wake up.

He doesn’t want to try and fall asleep here – just in case he fell deeper into his own dreamscape and had another encounter with zombies or Yunho’s undead corpse. But even so, it was becoming far too quickly apparent that he was starting to vex himself with all these throwbacks to the past. So, instead of further dwelling on them, he moves towards the wall lined with tall windows overlooking the city.

It's then, as he stares down at the glittering scenery below, that he catches view of his reflection staring back at him, and the sight is enough to cause his breath to catch in his throat unexpectedly.

People often made comment of his looks, occasionally joking that he didn’t seem to age, and making reference to him being akin to some kind of trapped in time, forever youthful in appearance, vampiric being. But this, this was ridiculous. The face that stares back at him was one he hadn’t seen in a mirror in over ten years. The same messy mop of brown hair, and eyes that had yet to witness the ultimate heartache, soft features that were still so young, and without blemish.

It wasn’t like he was a wrinkled prune in the future per say. But even he could tell that the version of himself stood before him was lacking the same small age details that he’d garnered in the present.

It’s akin to looking at a photograph of the past. Only this photograph is living, breathing, _moving_ before his very eyes.

Abruptly feeling drained by the whole situation, and the many emotions being brought forth by it, he feels himself drop down to the floor, leaning his weary body up against the glass sideways. It feels cools against his temple, and the view of twinkling lights, and blur of cars racing across the strips of roads painting the city is soothing.

Not soothing enough to send him to sleep thankfully, but enough to make him temporarily forget about the fact that his ex, and past and current members are just across the hall sleeping.

 

Morning slowly crawls its way across the horizon, and Yunho finds Jaejoong curled up against one of the many glass windows. Jaejoong tries to ignore his presence, but Yunho calls out to him, and then promptly makes his way over when he doesn’t reply. He finds his vision filled with Yunho’s handsome face, eyes alight with concern, and looking so beautifully sleep ruffled that Jaejoong thinks his heart might literally _bleed_ with a fond feeling. He’s dressed in a baggy pair of sweat pants, and loose t-shirt; which leads him to automatically assume he’s probably on his way out for a morning run. It was standard Yunho behaviour for this point in time and given that their Japanese fans had tended to give them more space than fans in their home country, Yunho had taken to having an hour’s morning run when time allowed.

If his assumption was right, that meant that by now Jaejoong should have been up preparing breakfast no doubt, which therefore meant that Yunho was likely concerned as to why he wasn’t currently doing that, which was probably why he currently asking the question of if he was ok.

He nods, continuing to stare out of the window, and hopes it’s enough. Which of course, it isn’t, and Yunho drops down onto one knee in front of him, while making a quiet comment about how he obviously wasn’t.

He tilts his head to try and catch Jaejoong’s eyes. But Jaejoong keeps his gaze fixed on the black tarmac far below them, his chin cutely cupped within his palm. Yunho chuckles, no doubt finding his stubborn streak cute, and Jaejoong feels his eyebrows dip into a frown instinctively.

“Come here.” Yunho tells him, his tone coloured with a soft, slightly fond, tone that Jaejoong finds himself unable to resist.

He turns his head sluggishly to the side, suddenly surprised at how tired he feels, and fixes Yunho with what he hopes is his best resting bitch face. Because he right now he _really_ doesn’t want to face him. The very idea of interacting with Yunho in any form was enough to have his stomach fluttering with nerves. He just _knows_ this nightmare is going to haunt him for _days_.

However, he doesn’t have long to ponder that particular thought, as suddenly he feels hands on him, gently tugging away his hand from his face. He goes to say something, maybe ask what an earth he’s doing, or tell him to hurry up and go for his run already. But then he’s being _kissed_.

Those warm, slightly chapped lips, are pressing against his, leaving the minty taste of toothpaste lingering on his lips. A rush of adrenaline bursts through him at the action, his face blooming with warmth. The heat is followed by realisation though, and all too soon the familiar sweet moment comes crashing to a halt.

His hands move before he can register what he’s doing, and he shoves at Yunho hard enough to have him stumbling backwards, and then topple over into a heap on the floor. Shocked, he can only sit there and blink at him as Yunho grumbles and pulls himself back upright.

“What the hell was that about?!” Yunho demands, rightly upset. “That was _not_ the reaction I was hoping to get.”

“Sorry!” Jaejoong squeaks back at him, hurriedly dropping his gaze to the hardwood flooring.

“What?” Yunho says, sounding thoroughly confused. “You’re always complaining that I don’t show you enough physical affection, and the moment I do, _this_ is the reaction I get?” He argues, standing back up again. “Seriously, what’s wrong? I’m worried about you. You haven’t been sleeping recently, and you’re always going off with Yoochun on long drives to God knows where, and then last night... You really scared me. And now, now I find you out here, probably not having slept all night. What’s going on with you?”

Silence follows Yunho’s sudden outburst, and in all honesty Jaejoong doesn’t know what to say in response. The situation feels abruptly too real to him. It felt eerily familiar to the many, _many_ , arguments they’d had before when they were younger – and oh boy, had they had a lot. Some that hadn’t ended so pretty, and some that had led to rather... Steamy sessions making up in the bedroom.

Only, he’s really _not_ in the mood to deal with any of that right now, and so he simply purses his lips and sighs.

“I’m _tired_ Yunho.” He tells him, trying his best to not sound too patronising, he likes to think he’s somewhat learnt from past mistakes. “You already clearly _know_ I haven’t been sleeping lately.” He then adds, trying to ever so slightly press against Yunho’s infamous guilt button, and trigger his guilty conscience.

Doing that would guarantee him being on the end of some pretty heavy, remorseful, looks, but it would also ensure that Yunho dropped his triad, and would probably garner him some quiet space while Yunho went for his run.

It has the desired effect, and Yunho backs off immediately, face creasing into a tight frown of worry. He’s kneeling down again, a hand reaching out to smooth away his fridge gently; an action which makes his heart _ache_ with longing.

“I’m sorry.” Yunho tells him quietly. “Is it that bad again?”

Jaejoong keeps his voice locked up, relying on a stiff nod, fearing that his voice might crack if he dared to speak. It does the trick, and Yunho lets out a concerned sigh, a pensive look crossing his face.

“Well, you could sleep in the car, and maybe at the shoot too.” He suggests, before dropping his voice a little lower. “Then when we get back, maybe I can steal you away and have you to myself...”

The tone isn’t _quite_ suggestive, but Jaejoong still shoots him an unimpressed look instinctively. Yunho catches on pretty quick, and Jaejoong watches him fondly as his brain seems to backtrack through what he’d just said, a shocked expression passing across his face.

“Wait, no! I didn’t mean it like that!” He says quickly. “I just meant to sleep! Well, and maybe cuddle... But clothed! Clothed cuddling!”

He can’t help it. A smile breaks passed his defences, cheeks aching from trying to contain it throughout Yunho’s panicked explanation. He ducks his head, trying to hide it, feeling a little shy under Yunho’s stupefied look of wonder.

Its been a while since he’s been subject to such attention.

“Tired or not, you still shine like the sun.” Yunho murmurs, leaning in close to stare at him with a rather open, loving, look that steals his breath.

“Sap.” He tries to say, words coming out a little breathlessly.

“Maybe.” Yunho agrees, pulling back from him after a moment. “But this sap still loves you regardless.” He adds, glancing at the clock hanging on the wall. “And this sap also needs to be going if he wants a decent run...”

“Off with you then.” Jaejoong laughs, watching him fondly as he hurries to find his trainers.

“Will you be making breakfast still?” Yunho asks, sounding hopeful as he pauses at the doorway, his best puppy dog eyes on display.

“Ah, that’s the reason you were being so sweet.” Jaejoong comments, rolling his eyes to the ceiling.

“I promise it wasn’t!” Yunho tells him, sounding panicked again.

Jaejoong believes him, knowing Yunho wouldn’t act so conniving. It just wasn’t within his nature. So Jaejoong shoots him a playful look, waving him off dismissively.

“Sure, sure!” He calls to him, trying to keep his aloof air, as Yunho pulls a face at him, sticking his tongue out childishly; and just when had a grin a mile wide slipped across his face?

It’s then, just as he hears the tell-tale click signalling the front door closing, that he realises that he’d ben enjoying himself. A scary, fast advancing, awareness creeps up on him that it had been all too easy to slip back into his past relationship with Yunho. It was as if the split had never occurred (which he guesses, if his memory of this time period served correctly, it hadn’t).

Not that it mattered, he thinks rather dimly. All of this would be a distant memory once more after he woke up in his bed alone. But didn’t that mean that he should indulge while he could?

The idea is pretty appealing, even to his deeper consciousness – which always seems to revel in reminding him of how much his thoughts of time gone past would hurt later in the dying moments of time before he fell asleep.

It wouldn’t hurt to just enjoy the fruits of what this dream could offer a little while longer. A fleeting past indulgence to pass the skewed sense of time within this dreamscape.

 

He’s managed to whip up something simple by the time Junsu comes stumbling in from his shared room. He’s the picture of half awake, closed fist rubbing incessantly at his left eye; a rather garbled, half-formed, “good morning” tumbling from his lips. Jaejoong greets him cheerfully in return, having finally found the silver lining to this rather abrupt blast from the past. Although, his morning efforts seem to be a tad wasted on Junsu, and the younger makes a pouty face in his direction.

“How can you be so cheerful this early?” Junsu asks him with a whine; he’s not grumpy, just prone to sulking first thing in the morning.

“Because today is a wonderful day, full of possibilities!” Jaejoong tells him, placing a small stack of plates, and cutlery in front of him. “Will you go and set these out for me?”

Junsu makes a face at the pile in front of him and twists his lips into an unpleasant look of affront.

“But-”

“I need to go and wake the other two up.” Jaejoong explains, before Junsu gets the chance to complain about his request.

It does the trick, and while he can hear Junsu grumbling under his breath, he still toddles off towards the small dining table, with the plates in hand all the same.

That sorted, Jaejoong hurries off to wake the last two remaining members.

By the time Yunho’s back from his run, Jaejoong’s managed to single handily feed the children, and has had two of them shower and dress themselves. It’s quite a feat, if he does say so himself, one that he revels in as Yunho graces him with an appreciative look. He’d always been a sucker for a good dose of praise, something that still rings true in his current time.

There’s just Yoochun left now. Yoochun who had been chewing the same mouthful for well over a minute, with a sleepy sort of pace that has Jaejoong bouncing a leg under the table impatiently. He has plans after all. Plans that need to be put into action fast if he wants to make something of them.

“Yoochun.” He says, trying to keep a tight lock on his tone, and not come across too impatient – the _last_ thing he needs is Yoochun catching on. “Are you nearly done?” He asks sweetly, realising a beat late that he’s probably given himself away.

Yoochun lifts his head slowly, swallowing his food, and glances back down to his plate with a pensive look before returning his gaze to Jaejoong once more.

“I guess?” He says, and then lifts an eyebrow, a smirk that’s far too knowing for his sleepy demeanour etching its way across his face. “Why, what’s the rush?”

Thinking back, he knows he should have gone for the obvious response of “well our managers going to be calling for us soon, so get a move on” – only those words don’t come, and instead his mouth goes dry, unable to form words.

“Oh, are you maybe trying to hint that I should hurry up and go take a shower? Could it be you’re hoping to speed the process along so as you, and a certain other member who shan’t be named, can take one together-” Yoochun then tries to suggest, waggling his eyebrows.

“W-what?! No! I was just thinking you should maybe hur-”

“Actually, I think I might be a while longer.” Yoochun comments, cutting off Jaejoong’s flustered rant abruptly. “But maybe you, and Yunho, should hurry off and take one together – you know, just to save on time and water.” He adds, sending him an outrageous wink along with it.

Jaejoong leaves, looking rather red faced as he does. He can hear Yoochun laughing himself stupid behind him and he clenches his teeth bitterly as he storms off to find his elusive boyfriend. He’s not particularly subtle when he finds him in his room, tugging off his sweaty shirt, and looking _exceptionally_ glorious in the flecks of sunlight peeking through the curtains. In fact, he pretty much hurls him out of his room by a well-placed hand at his bicep, and frog marches him to the bathroom; all the while ignoring the surprised squawks of indignation Yunho makes. He knows well enough that he won’t be complaining for very long.

He tries to ignore the cackling still coming from the kitchen, instead busing himself with stripping Yunho down as quickly as humanly possible.

 

Its safe to say the rest of them are _well_ aware of what had occurred earlier in the shower between Yunho, and him. Yoochun had never been one for subtly, and Jaejoong had never been particularly great with secrecy. So together they made for a rather spectacular mess - and God forbid Heechul ever joined in.

That being said, Jaejoong’s still pretty pleased with himself, and Yunho’s looking ever so wonderfully de-stressed. So, he’s pretty sure he’s allowed to look a little smug; even if Junsu’s still looking a slightly red faced (due to cottoning on a little late to the hidden meaning behind the wolf whistles from Yoochun, and snide sniggering from Changmin). Yunho looks content though (which is the main thing), and even by itself makes the teasing worth it.

Just as he remembers, their schedule is hectic, which means he has to get his kicks in with Yunho where he can. They’re on a tight time limit with an early morning photoshoot for a popular Japanese magazine, followed by 2 separate interviews for the same spread, and quick drop in with a late morning radio show. Then there’s the afternoon schedule, which isn’t looking anymore lenient, with yet another radio appearance, swiftly followed by concert rehearsals; which were _bound_ to gone on into the late hours of the evening/night, and possibly even _morning_. It’s a _very_ familiar routine, one that leaves Jaejoong feeling an odd sense of déjà vu as he sits before a mirror, with one of their stylists pottering about him with an arsenal of brushes, sprays, and powders.

“We’re going for a modern, rather chic look for the first few sets.” One of the staff members says, moving rather frantically about the set with a folder full of concept pictures. “Then we’ll move onto a softer look, lots of baggy, loose fitting clothing – browns, beige, _natural_ colours!”

Jaejoong tunes it out, eyes following Yunho about instead with heady look. He’s a rather distracting sight, and Jaejoong has to admit, their stylists had done a _fantastic_ job with pairing together his clothes. He looks rather dashing in his ensemble...

“Am I done?” Jaejoong hears himself ask, tone sounding more of a whine to his own ears – not exactly how he’d meant for it to sound, but at least it hadn’t come across impatient.

He garners an amused chuckle for his effort, and the stylist behind dismisses him after a quick once over of his hair and makeup, along with an instruction to go and see one of the other stylists about his clothes for the shoot.

Of course, he doesn’t do as he’s told; which is standard Jaejoong behaviour. Instead, he runs off to find Yunho, and quite happily attaches himself to his back, folding his arms around his front, and propping his chin atop his shoulder. It was something Yunho had used to do to him often; whether there were cameras around or not. He can see why, having now tried it himself. Yunho’s warm, and pretty snuggly to lean up against. It brings a heavy wave of sleepiness crashing over him, and he suddenly feels his eyes droop a pinch. Which is weird. Was it even possible to feel sleepy in a dream?

Regardless, he kind of wants to just tug Yunho over to a quiet corner, and maybe snag a couple of those comfy looking pillows from the set the staff are preparing currently, and create a pillow nest for the two of them to kip in.

“What’s got you in such a clingy mood, him?” Yunho asks him, tilting his head back to throw him a glance. “Honestly, your moods really _do_ make a 360 sometimes!”

He smirked at that, feeling playful, and eager to engage Yunho in their familiar flirting – _God_ how he missed it!

“Hm, you weren’t complaining this morning though.” He teases, unable to stop the coy smile that forces its way to his lips.

“How could I when you were making it your life’s mission to strip me down as fast as humanly possible?” Yunho asks.

Jaejoong smirks at that, feeling pleased with himself, and goes in for another teasing remark, only to be cut off before the words leave his lips by a member of their staff calling for Yunho to come over for the first shots.

“Well, I’d better get to it then.” Yunho says, disentangling himself from a rather reluctant to let go Jaejoong. “You’d better go and get ready yourself.” He adds, nodding to his clothes pointedly.

“Hm, yeah I’d bet you’d like to see me out of them.” Jaejoong says with a sultry smile, biting his lip to stop a devious bout of laughter from escaping.

Yunho only rolls his eyes, reaching forward to pinch his cheek playfully.

“Try and stay out of trouble.” He says, chuckling when Jaejoong swipes his hands away with a complaint about messing up his makeup.

With that he takes his leave, which Jaejoong takes as his cue to finally do as he’s told and gather his clothes for the photoshoot. He’s already expecting something with a similar colour code to Yunho’s clothes, and he’s not disappointed as he takes the small bundle from a waiting Stylist.

He finds Yoochun in the make-shift changing room, slowly peeling back his clothes and replacing them with the hand selected ones, and smiles.

“Already done?” He asks, whistling in approval as Yoochun gives him a quick turn, before posing ridiculously.

“Yeah, I think I actually like it for a change.” Yoochun laughs, glancing down to inspect the outfit himself. “Not too outlandish, but stylish enough to stand out just a little.”

Jaejoong nods in agreement, shrugging off his clothes, and dropping them into a small pile. He expects Yoochun to leave once he’s dressed – because you never knew who they were going to call for next. But unexpectedly Yoochun hovers, looking the picture of pensive. It makes him feel a little on edge, what with the way he’s worrying his lip, seemingly debating on whether or not he should say what he’s thinking.

“You okay?” Jaejoong finally offers, verbally nudging Yoochun to say whatever it is that’s plaguing him.

“Oh, yeah!” Yoochun confirms, a little too fast for Jaejoong to believe him, and instantly he steels himself for more – his apprehension isn’t for nought. “Its just... Well I was thinking about what we talked about the other day.”

Jaejoong pauses, fingers stilling over the buttons on his shirt as that eerie, familiar, feeling descends down over him again like a cloud of fog.

Why did this conversation feel so familiar to him?  Like he’d been through this once before, a distance memory once lived.

“What we… Talked about?” He asks, going back to his shirt again dismissively, an obvious attempt to keep it cool.

There was no point trying to recall anything. This dream was based on a time from _way_ back in his past, too far back to remember any fleeting, somewhat trivial, conversations that his mind might have saved.

Yoochun doesn’t seem to appreciate his lack of recollection though, and he watches him pull a rather grim look in return, rolling his eyes in irritation; a sharp click from his tongue following the action. He then glances about them quickly, and once the areas surveyed, leans close into Jaejoong’s personal space, voice dropping to a soft, hushed, whisper.

“About our future, remember?” Yoochun says, eyes darting about them again nervously. “We were thinking about maybe talking to the others about leaving?” He then elaborates, and Jaejoong feels abruptly thrown for six.

This… This wasn’t some trivial conversation. This had happened before.

He swallows nervously, mind short circuiting as he slides through a reel of spiralling memories – none which had ended well.

This dream, it’s mirroring a memory, an _event_ , which had triggered the beginning of the end. He knows it all too well suddenly. This very conversation, and the ones that Yoochun was referencing, they were the very catalyst that had led to the group’s eventual explosive five-piece demise.

He doesn’t want to go through that again. He can _vividly_ remember how that little tête-à-tête Yoochun was currently suggesting had gone. The reason for that being that it was a such a disaster of a discussion (if you can even call it that), that it had ended with several broken pieces of china, numerous cross words spoken, more than a couple of bruised egos, and three days of near _deafening_ silence between Yunho, and himself. He really, _really_ , didn’t want to have to go through that again if he could avoid it; and it seemed like with the way this dream was heading, he was likely to encounter it.

“ _Abort! Abort!_ ” His mind screams at the realisation, shoving forward the idea of pushing back against Yoochun’s proposal with frenzied haste.

“ _So,_ ” Yoochun then says, pausing deliberately to give Jaejoong a long, and rather expectant, stare. “I was thinking about sitting down with everyone tonight?”

“Bad idea.” Jaejoong hears himself automatically respond, a rather impulse move on his part that leaves him feeling extremely awkward – especially when Yoochun blinks back at him rather owlishly, face blank with shock. “I mean, well, Yunho’s been under a lot of pressure recently with all this comeback talk, and the potential world tour; you know, the managers have been breathing down his neck and stuff.” He covers clumsily, eyes flitting down to his hands where his fingers are playing uselessly with the zip on his jacket.

“So, you’re saying we _shouldn’t_ broach it then?” Yoochun asks, arching an eyebrow suspiciously.  

“Well, I mean, maybe not _tonight_.” Jaejoong says, and then thinks better of it. “Or maybe just not this week.” He adds belatedly – after all Yunho’s abruptly made up issues weren’t going to evaporate overnight. “I mean, I’m not saying to hold off forever! Just… Until next week.”

Or rather, until the point where he’d hopefully no longer be there to see the fallout.

“Right…” Yoochun says, and then sighs long-sufferingly. “Well, at least you agree that it needs to be said. Because I was talking to Junsu about it, and he seems to feel the same way too.”

“ _Of course, he does_.” Jaejoong thinks to himself miserably, feeling utterly hopeless all of a sudden.

Junsu had perhaps felt the strongest about the whole thing at the time. What with the amount of time he’d invested in SM and all. It hadn’t really come as much of a surprise when Yoochun had told him the first time, and now it just made him feel sad as he thought about all the time Junsu must had spent feeling bitter.

“Oh, well that makes things easier.” Is all he says, glancing away to hide his distinct lack of shock. “Maybe we should take this slowly, drop little hints here and there to get Yunho used to the idea... I don’t think it would be wise to just open the flood gates so suddenly.”

Yoochun sighs again and fixes him with an obviously forced smile.

“Okay, you’re the boss.” He says, mock saluting him. “I’ll leave Yunho to you.” He then adds with a wink, turning quickly away from him and back towards the set.

Jaejoong moves to follow him, pushing his arms through the arms of his jacket as he goes. He makes a beeline for a certain tall leader, spotting him watching Junsu’s shoot from the side-lines. He folds his arms around his middle, placing his forehead to his back, and takes a deep intake if breath.

He feels, more than hears, the rumble of laughter as Yunho chuckles at his behaviour. It leaves him enjoying a pool of warmth that had pooled in his stomach from hearing the sound of it, and he basks in the memories that it conjures.

“Someone’s feeling clingy today.” Yunho comments good naturedly, leaning back rest his head against Jaejoong’s shoulder.

“Yeah.” Jaejoong replies, his voice catching on a lump of emotion clinging to his throat.

He clutches onto Yunho a little tighter, desperate to just enjoy this moment for as long as possible before it’s inevitably ripped away from him again.

 

By the time they’re back at the dorm, exhausted, and ready to hit the sack after such a schedule packed day (honestly, Jaejoong has to marvel over the fact that they’d kept it up for so long). His need to retire for the day might also have something to do with the fact that he’s _very_ much looking forward to Yunho’s promise from that morning. He’s not disappointed either.

Yunho makes a comment to the kids that they’ll have to sort themselves if they’re hungry, and then goes on to say that both Jaejoong and himself are retiring to bed earlier; while making it _very_ clear that they’re not to be disturbed for the rest of the evening. Of course, an announcement like _that_ couldn’t _possibly_ be misconstrued...

Yunho _definitely_ deserves the sniggering that occurs as they make their way to Yoochun and Jaejoong’s shared room, and Yoochun and Changmin definitely deserve the threat of dish duty that Yunho throws their way via a passing remark over his shoulder.

“Honestly, they get cheekier by the day!” Yunho tells him, stripping off his shirt, before clambering into bed beside him.

“Yeah…” Jaejoong agrees quietly, keeping his back stubbornly to Yunho, and curls into a more fetal position on his side.

Silence spans between them for a good minute, and Jaejoong assumes Yunho must have fallen asleep for a moment, but then he hears the tell-tale sound of shuffling come from behind him.

“Hey.” Yunho says softly, reaching over to card a hand through his hair. “Don’t tell me something isn’t wrong – I know you better than that.”

He’s not wrong. How long had they known each other now? Whether it was based on this point in time, or the one Jaejoong was living way in the future, the number would still have Yunho ranking in the top 10 of people who had known him longest (outside of family ties that is).

Jaejoong mulls it all over in his mind, feeling oddly self-conscious as Yunho leans over him to press a chaste kiss to his shoulder, with gentleness Jaejoong knows he hasn’t been granted with in so long that it makes him _ache_. He wants to tell him, yearns to even, knowing that even though he might not understand, Yunho would at least _try_ to make it better. But, in reality, was there any point? Soon he would wake up, and life would move on once more.

Yet, like a wound re-opening again and again, he still wants to.

“If… If I were to do something unforgivable, would you still love me?” He asks, not daring to look over to Yunho.

“Huh? What’s with such a heavy question all of a sudden?” Yunho laughs, pressing anther kiss to his skin.

“Just… Would you?” Jaejoong presses, forcing his face further into his pillow.

“Hm, well, I’ll probably always love you. You’re not exactly someone who’s easy to fall out of love with after all.” Yunho tells him, voice slow as he mulls over the words carefully. “Really though - what’s all this about?”

“So, no matter what happens, you’ll stay with me?” Jaejoong asks quietly, surging on, and ignoring Yunho’s question.

He wants to hear those words desperately, he’d _always_ wanted to hear them. But after the nightmare that the split had been, he’d wanted to hear them even more so. Especially in the dark nights he’d spent alone in his bed, tears blurring his vision as he’d tortured himself over memories, and thoughts full of regret. He won’t ever hear these words in reality. The time to hear them had gone, and he now realises just how much he misses being able to hear them. How much he’d taken them for granted, and how often he hadn’t stepped back to appreciate them. He wants to be selfish, just for a little while longer.

“Ah, really…” Yunho laughs again, snuggling up against his back. “Yes, we’ll stay together. No matter what happens, I’ll try and make sure we’re together.”

“Do you promise?”

“I promise.”

A sense of relief washed over him, though he’s not entirely sure why. He wonders if maybe subconsciously he’s happy to know that at least here, in this moment, Yunho really did want them to stay together. That in mind, he feels himself unwind, having not realised how tense he’d been before, and lets out a soft sigh.

“Then, will you tell me you love me?” Jaejoong asks quietly, shifting back, more into Yunho’s embrace.

Yunho laughs once more. It sounds slightly breathy, and tickles Jaejoong’s ear.

“You’re acting so weird today!” Yunho tells him, and Jaejoong feels his arms curl tighter around him, in concern perhaps?

“Maybe…” He agrees, closing his eyes. “But, tell me anyway.”

Yunho shifts beside him, snuggling closer into him, and rests his chin to his shoulder, dropping feather light kisses to his neck. The contact makes him shiver, both from the tenderness, and from the fact that it feels so _real_ – a perfect replica of how he remembers it from the lingering memories that haunt him like spectres he can’t quite escape.  Those lips then move to the shell of his ear, a soft chuckle breathing against it.

“I love you, Kim Jaejoong.”

With that, Jaejoong feels his eyes well up, and he turns suddenly in Yunho’s hold, ducking his head against his chest. He doesn’t want to show Yunho that he’s crying. He doesn’t want to ruin the moment. Instead he keeps his ear to his chest, listening to the rhythmic sound of Yunho’s heart slowly lulling him back to sleep. His mind drifts, leaving him with lingering thoughts of just how much he’d taken his time with Yunho for granted. 

It was slowly becoming hard to tell whether this dream had been a blessing or a curse.

-X-

Soft light glows down on him, a gentle warmth enveloping his body. His limbs ache a little as he moves his body in a groggy fashion. Now there’s too much light beaming down on him, and his eyes protest against the intensity of it; which is weird, because he’s sure he’d closer the bedroom curtains before he’d gone to bed. But sure enough, as he lifts his head up to check, squinting against the bright early morning sun, he finds them spread wide open.

Still half asleep, and mildly blinded from his one-sided staring competition with the early morning sun, he stumbles from his bed awkwardly, with one hand scrubbing at his eyes, to what he hopes is the direction of the kitchen. On his way over, he nearly trips on what he assumes to be the coffee table, but eventually he finds himself standing the kitchen, hand halfway frozen reaching for a mug on the shelf.

Something’s… Wrong.

He doesn’t remember owning the mug his fingers are reaching for. It’s too colourful, and clashes with the monochrome scheme he’d stubbornly chosen when decorating the apartment.

Puzzled, but now feeling a little more awake than before, he takes a step back, eyebrows dipping in confusion. His eyes dart about the kitchen, mind slowly starting to clock other things that aren’t quite right. Like the position of the furniture, the pictures in the wall, and the clashes of colours decorating the walls. Not only that, but he notices that the mug he’d left out last night seems to be missing.

Now utterly bewildered, he starts back-tracking on himself towards the living room, suddenly feeling _very_ much awake, and knowing that it had been the last place he’d been before departing to bed.

The polaroid’s. The polaroids are missing...

The table he’d left them on is bare of pictures, instead there’s two cups sitting evenly spaced apart on separate coasters -  one half empty, and the other drained completely. But he hadn’t _had_ company last night. As far as he, and his memory, were concerned, he’d been very much _alone_.

He turns his head, looking for any further evidence that someone might still be in his apartment (or what he _hopes_ is his apartment - the idea of that still being his current location was fast diminishing), which is when he notices something even more horrifying. It had escaped his attention while he’d been polaroid checking, but now he’s looking closer, he realises that most of the furniture is different. Not only that, but things aren’t quite where they should be. Gone was the sleek black and white theme he’d originally gone for, and in its place is a cosy clash of neutral beige, and warm browns; the occasional splash of dark red and tranquil blue. Pictures, ornaments, and mementos he’d amassed throughout his life were also jumbled about, and some were plain missing. Each little smattering of décor he’d placed together seemed suddenly altered, or changed, until his once familiar home seemed unrecognisable even to him.

It’s... Jarring; and makes Jaejoong take an abrupt step back in shock.

Was he, in the right apartment? Had he gone out last night, gotten himself _beyond_ drunk, and gone home with someone? He didn’t remember that happening if he had.

But it still didn’t quite make sense... Because he can still see familiar things in amongst the chaos. Like a certain picture frame, one that contained an eerily familiar photo that he’d thought he’d stored away a _long_ time ago. One of him, and Yunh. A candid shot taken by Yoochun unexpectedly while they’d been grinning over some age old private joke. He’d had it developed a while after it had been taken, two copies printed, a twin set, that had been separated when Jaejoong had tacked one to the inside of a birthday card and bundled it up within the confines of an envelope with Yunho’s name scrawled across the front. He’s unsure whether his picture still has a twin, but he knows for _sure_ that there’s certainly no other siblings to the set. Which means he’s positive that this copy is either Yunho’s, or his.

Hesitantly, he takes a step back, and glances about the room nervously for a second time, and as he does, his ankle nudges against something solid behind him. It’s a domino effect, and before he can even turn to see what he’d hit, the sound of plastic colliding together shatters throughout the room. He winces at the noise, eyes dropping down to see the sight of multiple albums littered across the carpet haphazardly. Curiously, he leans down to inspect them, fingers shifting through the pile. He recognises them easily enough as his own collection. The same artists, and corresponding albums, which had clearly been neatly organised before his own clumsy actions had lead to their now slightly jumbled state. But even so, jumbled or not, he can tell that there’s some missing titles among the pile. Or rather, a couple of familiar faces are missing.

No matter how many times he checks, he can’t for the life of him find the two copies of _'Catch Me'_ that he _knows_ he owns. An ebony-black copy of Changmin's version, and a wine-red copy of Yunho’s version, both kept together in pristine condition. A silent show of his support.

He does, however, come across a selection of albums he _hasn’t_ seen before, and frowns in confusion when he catches sight of the group name stamped across each cover.

 _'JY4'_.

His fingers slide across one of the cases, and he dumbly stares at the image of Yoochun, Junsu, Yunho, and himself posing on the cover, gazing soulfully back at him.

When had they- No. They’d _never_ done an album without Changmin, and _certainly_ not under a different name.

JY4... It’s eerily familiar to him, and his mind does a 360 turn to JYJ.

He’s suddenly driving back to the pile, digging back through years’ worth of albums once more, scrambling to find any evidence of the JYJ albums that he, again, _knows_ should be there. Every other album in his path is sent scattering about the space around him, and by the time he’s sifted his way through the entire collection, he finds himself once again coming away empty handed, unable to find the album’s he’s now desperately looking for.

Unbelievably stumped, he sits back up, eyes returning to the _‘JY4’_ albums beside him. He reaches for one of them slowly, mind tumbling with questions. When had this come out? Why wasn’t Changmin on the cover? Why was it entitled JY4?

His fingers hover over the cover, just about to brush against the front, but stopping short when he hears someone call out his name.

“Jae-? Oh, there you are!”

Like a deer in headlights, Jaejoong whips his head up, lips parting in shock as he openly stares.

It’s... Yunho? Only he’s shirtless, and wearing only a pair of boxers.

 

* * *

 

 


	2. Chapter Two

 “You were gone when I woke up. I figured I must have elbowed you in the ribs again.” Yunho says from the doorway, grinning broadly at him, leaving Jaejoong to stare up wide-eyed from the floor.

Why was he acting like this was such a normal situation?

“Anyway, what are you doing out here?” Yunho goes onto to ask, leaning against the doorframe casually, his eyes rolling over the littering of albums. “Ah, don’t tell me you’re reorganising that lot again?”

Jaejoong says nothing, _can_ say nothing. He can only wonder as to what the hell was going on. He _had_ to be dreaming again. But a third dream in one night? Just what kind of inception bullshit _was_ this? The likelihood felt impossible…

But to have Yunho here with him, to have apparently _slept_ with him, in the same building, in the same _bed_ \- well there was no way in _hell_ this could be reality. Which meant he was subconsciously torturing himself with illusions of what could have been again... Which would make sense considering-

“Where are your albums?” He asks, before he stop himself, the question still lingering at the forefront of his mind as he takes a glance back down to small pile in front of him; anything to stop himself from eyeballing the downright sinful sight of Yunho’s chest.

“ _My_ albums?” Yunho questions, looking genuinely caught off guard by the question, brows furrowing in confusion. “You mean _our_ albums?”

It’s Jaejoong who frowns this time, lifting his head to shoot Yunho a bewildered look.

“ _No_.” He says slowly. “I mean _your_ albums – well yours, and Changmin’s.”

At that Yunho shoots him a dark look, eyes narrowing for the briefest of moments, and he folds his arms across his chest in an almost defensive display. Was it something he’d said?

“Changmin? Jae, what are you talking about?” Yunho asks him, lifting his head suspiciously, eyes furrowing into something that looks a little like concern, and Jaejoong feels a well of annoyance begin to burn in his chest.

“ _Your_ albums Yunho.” He repeats again, trying to keep his voice to a steady simmer. “The ones you did with Changmin after we: Yoochun, Junsu, and me, left? ‘ _Keep Your Head Down’, ‘Catch Me’, ‘Tense’_ – am I ringing _any_ bells here?”

Yunho still stares dumbly at him, and Jaejoong feels his eyebrow twitch.

“Ok, you’ve _really_ lost me now.” Yunho finally sighs, looking a little exasperated; a feeling that Jaejoong is _fast_ becoming well acquainted with as feels the last of his patience dissipates.

“How the hell do you not know what I’m talking about?!” Jaejoong yells at him, standing up finally, and sending the albums around him scattering. “After we left, you, you, and Changmin, you released albums - and I had them! I brought them, and they were here, along with the all the others – and now, now they’re not. So, where are they?!”

He lifts his hands up to fist his hair, eyes staring about the apartment in a panic, his head pounding with the twinge of an oncoming headache. His rash movements, and sudden increase in volume must take Yunho by surprise, because suddenly he’s there, right in front of him, hands tentatively reaching out to try and hold him. But Jaejoong doesn’t want it, and he quickly steps away from him, moving a hand to his chin, and biting the tip of his thumb thoughtfully.

“Jaejoong….” Yunho says softly, trying his best to pacify him. “Jae, I don’t… I really don’t know where this is coming from.” He tells him, and sighs. “Changmin… You already know that Changmin isn’t with us anymore.”

Now very much alarmed, Jaejoong whirls round to stare at him wide-eyed.

“No longer _with_ them” – what the _hell_ was _that_ supposed to mean?

He opens his mouth to say something, maybe start ranting again about how insensitive Yunho’s being right now. However, he closes it a moment later when the words don’t come.

Yunho looks at him sympathetically, a rather meek attempt at a smile making its way across his lips. Was he… Was he being serious?

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Jaejoong questions, voice dropping to a whisper, fear creeping down his spine, like a slow drip from a leaking tap. “Oh my God!” He then says, dropping down onto the sofa behind him, and staring straight ahead at the blank screen of the TV. “Is he… Is he _dead?!_ ”

Silence meets his question, and in a haze of blind panic, Jaejoong shoots his head to stare up at Yunho with a rather horror-stricken expression. But Yunho twists his face into a ludicrous look, blinking rapidly in shock, as though it was Jaejoong who was spouting off the devastating news.

“Dead?” Yunho parrots awkwardly, coming over to sit beside him. “What? No, of course not!” He says, laughing light-heartedly. “What are you babbling about?”

“But you…” Jaejoong goes to say, turning his head to look at him, tears starting to sting his eyes.

“No! He’s still with SM, remember? Jaejoong, are you feeling alright? Did you lose your memory over night or something?” Yunho asks him, chuckling slightly as he asks the question, but it comes out a little shaky, and Jaejoong can tell he’s suddenly concerned; despite his attempt to lighten the mood.

“Still at SM?” Jaejoong repeats, more to himself than Yunho. “What are you talking about?” He asks breathlessly, his heart now pounding in his chest.

“We left Jaejoong.” Yunho tells him, tone low, and very much serious as he keeps his eyes trained on him; concern bleeding in his eyes. “You, me, Yoochun, and Junsu – we all left SM as a group and set up our own company.” He goes on to say, gaze then dropping to the side, a look of regret splashing across his features. “Changmin, well… He didn’t come with us.”

Something cold strikes Jaejoong at the admission, and his breath catches in his throat as he hears Yunho confirm his worst fears in one fell swoop. Yunho had to be lying. He would never leave Changmin behind – he wouldn’t. Jaejoong _knows_ he wouldn’t, because when they’d left (Yoochun, Junsu, and him), Yunho, and Changmin, had stayed behind - together. So why would Yunho, even in a dream, decide differently.

“You’re lying!” He cries, tears now trickling down his cheeks as he lashes out, moving to stand up, and glower at Yunho for all he’s worth. “Why would you-?! _How_ could you leave him behind?!” He demands, balling his hands into fists. “That doesn’t make any sense?!”

What had happened to them? How could this have happened?

No answer comes, and Jaejoong watches as Yunho moves to stand in front of him, the picture of alarm, before his face twists into a haggard, rather _sad_ , expression.

“What are you talking about Jae? We promised to stay together didn’t we? Isn’t this what you wanted?”

His words leave Jaejoong reeling, and the tears that had been pouring from him before stop abruptly. His mind lurches violently back to the previous dream, lying together with Yunho under the sheets, wet kisses being placed at his shoulder, and quiet promises whispered against his skin.

But all that had just been a dream, right? It wasn’t real! It couldn’t be, because that had been the only reason Jaejoong had ever dared to ask Yunho for such promises.

A sigh, long, and tired, comes from Yunho. It’s then followed by a warm touch to his forehead, solid and reassuring against his skin. Jaejoong lets him, too wrapped up within his own thoughts to even register it.

“Well, you don’t feel too warm, so at least you’re not sick.” Yunho chuckles, instead leaning forward to press his own head against Jaejoong with the gentleness of a true lover. “Maybe we should cancel todays plans…” He says as an afterthought, voice trailing off as he lifts his head up and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

Jaejoong lifts his head slowly, blinking slowly in confusion at Yunho, who catches the look and frowns.

“We’re supposed to be meeting up with the others today to go through Yoochun’s demo track for the new album, remember?”

The prompt obviously does nothing for Jaejoong, (who’s more than a little unaware to the goings-on of this world). But the ripple of worry rolling across Yunho’s features certainly _does_ do something, and he quickly pastes a look of realisation across his face; a soft “oh” dropping from his lips. He’s not sure if it’s at all convincing, but Yunho at least chuckles at his attempt, and closes the distance between their lips, offering him a sweet early morning kiss.

It takes him by surprise - especially when Yunho cheekily runs his tongue across his lips, teeth nipping playfully. But despite it being unexpected, Jaejoong still easily relents to him, melting like a touch starved lover, eyes closing in bliss, and head tipping up ever so slightly to match Yunho’s angle perfectly as the kiss deepens.

He’d have liked things to have stayed like that. However, before he can get too into it, Yunho pulls away from him suddenly, leaving him standing there to wonder at what had just happened.

“Sorry.” Yunho apologises, laughing brightly. “Guess I was just thinking back to last night.” He explains, and then reaches to cup Jaejoong’s cheeks. “I guess we were at it for a while… Maybe I just wore you out.” He jokes, and Jaejoong raises an eyebrow at him – unimpressed to say the least.

“You trying to call me old or something?” He mutters, forgetting the fact that he’s not actually privy to what had happened last night.

“You know I’d never dare~!” Yunho grins teasingly.

“Don’t we have somewhere to be?” Jaejoong quickly prompts, an indignant huff spilling from his lips, as he flings a hand out, smacking Yunho’s hands away from his face waspishly – he’s _not_ sensitive about his age; definitely not.

His comment seems to bring Yunho back to reality again, and the good mood fast fades once more, his face returning back to that overly concerned front.

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok with that?” He asks hesitantly, watching as Jaejoong crosses his arm across his chest.

“It’s a demo track Yunho.” Jaejoong pouts, his brows crumpling into a childish frown. “I can handle it.”

Besides, he thinks to himself, a saddened look crossing his features once more and casts his gaze down to the floor, if Yoochun, and Junsu are there, then perhaps he can garner some more information as to just what the hell had happened with Changmin. Yunho was clearly _not_ going to go into any more detail – at least, not without thinking that Jaejoong was having some kind of breakdown. Because apparently it was utterly normal that Changmin had remained at SM without Yunho in this warped universe.

“Alright then.” Yunho laughs after a moment of contemplative silence, moving away from him, and back towards the bedroom. “We’d better get a move on then, right? Don’t want to keep our genius lyricist waiting.” He tells him, and then pauses as though he’d suddenly thought of something. “Although… I’m sure we have time for a quick shower, right?” Comes another comment, an audaciously wink following swiftly – one that has Jaejoong grinning.

 

“So… What happened exactly?”

He watches the steam plume from his coffee cup held between his palms quietly, swirling back and forth on itself, higher and higher, until it eventually dissipates completely; vanishing, very much like Jaejoong wishes he could right now.

“You’re going to have to be a little more specific.” Yoochun answers, raising an eyebrow at him in suspicion.

“With Changmin.” Jaejoong explains vaguely, taking a daring peek at Yoochun, only to find him watching him with a look of unpredicted surprise.

“Changmin?” Yoochun parrots and takes a quick sip of his own coffee. “Now _there’s_ a name I haven’t heard in years…” He mutters. “Thought it had pretty much become a curse – what with the way we avoid talking about him. Talk about addressing the elephant in the room.”

Jaejoong makes a grim expression and curls his hands tighter around the paper cup in his hands. They’re currently sat in the cafeteria in C-JeS Entertainment, with an excuse of going to grab coffee, and possibly a bite to eat for the group (the group being Junsu, Yunho, Yoochun, and Jaejoong). The other two were still back in the recording room, in the company of one of their producers, and the general group manager. They were supposed to be taking a break, and Jaejoong had volunteered himself, along with Yoochun, to go and get drinks for everyone. However, it was all a clever ruse to talk things out with Yoochun, and maybe get an idea as to what had happened between them, and Changmin; possibly without making himself look like he was in the midst of a mental breakdown, or suffering with a tragic, and rather abrupt, case of amnesia. He was after all meant to know what had happened, right?

No such luck there though.

“I think it’s a bit too late though – don’t you?” Yoochun says gesturing his cup towards Jaejoong.

“I know, it’s just that… I guess I’ve been thinking about it lately, and I _keep_ thinking about it – you know?” Jaejoong babbles, hands starting to move about animatedly as he tries to search for words.

“Not really.” Yoochun chuckles unsympathetically, lips curling into an amused smile, before finally parting with a wistful sigh. “What brought all this on anyway? You don’t normally bring this up – well not anymore anyway.”

“The new album I guess?” Jaejoong offers, scrunching his nose thoughtfully.

“Jae, we’ve made albums before.” Yoochun tells him slowly, laughing when Jaejoong frowns at him tersely.

“I know that!” Jaejoong snaps at him, huffing irritably, before his shoulders deflate sadly. “I suppose I always feel this way while we’re working on a new album together. It just… Brings up old memories.”

It’s not really a lie.

Back in his own reality he always felt that way when JYJ were busy producing a new album. It never did quite feel the same. Of course, it was nice having more input, and being able to have a direct hand in the creative process was brilliant! But, the feeling of missing two people who had always been beside them before was something that they could never quite ignore. No matter how much time went by, feelings from the past would again rise up like a reoccurring nightmare, always pressing against the same, still open, wounds time after time.

“Ah, I suppose this was what Yunho was talking about before.” Yoochun muses, tipping his head back thoughtfully.

“Before?” Jaejoong questions dryly, arching an eyebrow.

“Mm, he mentioned you were acting odd this morning.” Yoochun tells him, and then laughs. “Although, to be honest, I didn’t think much of it – you’re always acting odd after all!”

“Arse.” Jaejoong quips, taking a sip of his own drink.

“Yeah, yeah.” Yoochun says, rolling his eyes, and waving him off with a flick of his hand. “Guess I can’t blame you though. You seemed to become a lot more sentimental after it all kicked off, what with the whole Changmin thinking he’d been betrayed and all that.” He explains with a sigh, swirling the remains of his coffee around in his cup, before swinging it back in one gulp.

“Betrayed?” Jaejoong questions.

“Yeah, he thought we’d all betrayed him, remember? Because of us all already knowing about the idea of leaving, and him being the last to know. Seemed to think we were all in on it and were deliberately leaving him out of the loop – even after that, what, five hours plus explanation of how we _weren’t_.” Yoochun recounts wryly, a frown snagging his lips towards the end.

“But Yunho didn’t know either.” Jaejoong points out, watching a little stupefied as Yoochun shoots him a ludicrous look.

“You are joking right?” Yoochun asks. “I think you’re forgetting that It was _your_ idea to keep dropping hints here and there to him. Something about “getting him used to the idea” – I can’t remember the exact words you used.” He sighs. “Then, eventually, you buttered him, and took him off to bed to break the full idea to him - I think? I don’t know! What I _do_ know is that afterwards you two had this explosive argument, followed by a horrible four-day period where you weren’t speaking, and then _another_ round of pillow talk before he _finally_ seemed to buy into the idea.”

Despite the crude explanation, Jaejoong can _definitely_ see himself having done that. But what’s more alarming is that some of what Yoochun’s explaining matches up perfectly to the weird dream from before. Almost as if his previous actions had caused this. The promise Yunho had mentioned earlier also tied into the same thing, and now, with Yoochun mentioning his half-baked plan of dropping hints to Yunho about leaving SM, paired with him dealing with breaking the news to Yunho at a later date, he’s beginning to wonder just what he’d let himself into. His insides tingle with apprehension at the thought.

There’s just one thing that’s not adding up.

“But that still doesn’t make sense!” Jaejoong says, reaching up to drag a hand through his hair. “Why would Changmin refuse to come with us?” He asks miserably.

“Have you not been listening to a word I’ve been saying?” Yoochun questions. “He was the last to know Jaejoong. Not only that, but you have to remember, thanks to one of yours, and Yunho’s, _perfectly_ timed lover’s spats, he found out in the worst of ways.”

“Which was?” Jaejoong prompts dumbly, flinching when Yoochun learns forward to give him a stupefied, semi “are you serious” look. “We’ve had lots of spats - I can’t remember them all!”

“I should think you can when said spat triggered the collapse of a nation-wide adored boy group, of which, might I add, _you_ were a direct member of.” Yoochun quips, giving him a long, rather pointed, look.

Jaejoong doesn’t say anything to that. He instead purses his lips, and takes another quick swing of his drink, a silent admission of defeat. So, both himself, and Yunho, had appeared to have rather royally fucked up it seemed.

“ _Great, I somehow made things worse_.” He realises and pulls a sour face, a face that Yoochun catches, and once more sighs at, shuffling forward on his arms to lean in close to Jaejoong.

“Look, you argued. It’s nothing new. You said some things, Yunho said some things, you said some more things, Yunho accidently blurts out the potential plan of leaving SM while trying to come up with a quick comeback.” Yoochun explains, and then pauses dramatically, taking in Jaejoong’s slow look of understanding. “Boom – Changmin finds out, and is, of course, very much confused. He questions what in the blue hell Yunho’s talking about, and this then forces us to have to explain. We then try to argue the fact that we _had_ been going to tell him and weren’t trying to intentionally leave him out. But _that_ doesn’t go down too well, and Changmin, quite rightly, is angry. The whole thing blows out of proportion, and when we _do_ go to leave SM, Changmin very stubbornly stays, partly out of anger, partly because his parents don’t agree with the idea of him leaving being the best of plans. So, with that, you’re all up to speed – as you already _should_ be.”

“Right…” Jaejoong agrees, still a little mind boggled at the vast amount of backstory he’d just been exposed to. “Is he… Is he ok? I mean, how is he now?”

Yoochun once more throws him an odd look, brows furrowing into a familiar expression of confusion. He sets down his now empty paper cup, and then pillows his intertwined fingers together under his chin.

“You’re acting as though you don’t know.” Yoochun says slowly. “I _know_ you’ve heard the rumours. I also know you’ve been chasing them rather closely. So why on earth are you asking me?”

Jaejoong swallow thickly at that, tilting his head down to stare at the table with false rapt interest. His cheeks are burning again as he sits under Yoochun’s heavy gaze worrying his lip like a kid caught with his hand in a cookie jar. How to put this?

“Well, I mean, _you_ must have heard something as well… You still speak to people at SM, right?”

It’s a bit of a reach. He knows for sure that Junsu did at least, what with Super Junior’s Eunhyuk attending his musicals personally. But whether or not this had carried over to this bizarre world where everything seemed flipped on its head was another thing altogether.

“Well, not exactly...” Yoochun says, furrowing his brow. “But, Junsu’s heard one or two things through Super Junior, and if you believe them, then you’ll believe that he’s apparently not doing too well still.”

It’s not exactly what Jaejoong wants to hear, and he deflates in his chair at the confirmation of his worse fears.

“Meaning?” He dares to ask, already dreading the answer.

“You already know about the alcohol issues he had, right? Kind of hard to miss with the way the media was hounding him for months after those pictures leaked...” Yoochun explains, voice trailing off mysteriously from a clearly painful memory that Jaejoong himself is not privy to as an outsider of this alternate universe. “Anyway, it all escalated from there, and supposedly SM intervened and got him into some clinic. He’s off the booze if you believe the reports that came out after. But according to people close to him that’s all a farce. Not only that but...”

Jaejoong waits, watching as Yoochun pauses, seemingly trying to find the right words. But Yoochun leaves him hanging, a thoughtful look encompassing his face.

“But what?” Jaejoong urges.

“Again, and this depends on if you believe the rumours that are coming out of SM from people close to him, but he’s apparently suffering from severe depression – even now.” Yoochun divulges, eyes softening in sadness as he lifts his head to look at Jaejoong. “I mean, it’s not really that unbelievable. We left, the four of us, and people obviously found that odd, especially given that he didn’t come along with us. There was a lot of backlash, people coming to their own conclusions, and speculating about what had happened. Changmin… Well he was alone throughout that. It must have been hard on him no matter which way you look at it. The pressure, the expectations, higher ups looking to him to put on a good front and calm the masses by himself. It’s enough to drive anyone to drink. I mean it drove us to leaving, and back then there were five of us!”

Whatever part Jaejoong thought he had left of his heart cracks, his chest splintering with pain, like glass hitting concreate. Here they were altogether, with each other to lean on, and console in during hard times; knowing that they could empathise and relate. But who was Changmin confiding in? Yunho had been there before, a solid presence beside Changmin, and a brother figure to turn to within the destructive mess that the lawsuit had wrought.

He has to fix this! He just _has_ to. Whatever cosmic butterfly effect he’d triggered has to be undone. No matter what had been granted to him in return, his second chance at a relationship with Yunho included, just wasn’t worth the situation they were now in, nor was it worth sacrificing Changmin like this. No matter how much he loved Yunho, he couldn’t stand by and let Changmin linger alone.

“I messed up.” He whispers at his realisation, abruptly standing from his seat, fists clenched on the table as he stares down at the empty paper mug he’d tipped over with his sudden movement.

“What are you talking about now?” Yoochun asks, blinking in surprise as he stares up at his friend in alarm, hand reaching to right the cup in front of him.

“Was that it? You haven’t heard anything else?” Jaejoong goes on to say, ignoring the look of suspicion carving its way across Yoochun’s face.

“No, you’ve had your lot. There’s nothing more to add.” Yoochun confirms.

“Pretty sure _that’s_ not true.” Jaejoong quips, side-eyeing Yoochun with narrowed eyes.

“You get the picture.” Yoochun tells him tersely, before he then pulls back, crossing his arms, and fixing him with a concerned look. “Which is why I’m still confused as to why you’re suddenly so hung up on it. You’ve got Yunho worried, and now me.”

“I just…” Jaejoong goes to say, plonking himself back down in his seat, and pausing to fiddle with the now drained coffee cup in hand. “I think I’m losing my mind.” He admits gently, letting the words hand between them like a guilty confession.

Yoochun laughs humourlessly as Jaejoong continues to stare down at the empty cup, dearly wishing it held all the answers he was searching for.

“Hah, aren’t we all?” Yoochun asks rhetorically, a dark chuckle following his words.

“ _No_.” Jaejoong can only think in response. “ _Just me apparently._ ”

 

It’s no surprise when Yunho gives him a pouty expression once they make it back home. He makes a not so subtle comment about how hungry he is, and then (in very unfair move), turns on his best puppy dog eyes to full force. Naturally Jaejoong tries to ignore it to begin with. He’s emotionally drained after such a hectic day, and combined with the bombshells that had been dropped, and the notion that he’d somehow managed to change the events of the future; and by the look of it for the worse. It’s safe to say he’s not exactly all that willing to cook up a tantalising, taste bud tickling, meal for two.

“Seems like you’re doing better from this morning.” Yunho comments once they’re behind closed doors, his face dropping to the crook of Jaejoong’s neck to press his lips against the sensitive skin he knows he’ll find there. “Got to admit I was a little concerned.”

“Mm, So Yoochun was saying.” Jaejoong tells him side-eyeing the CD's still lingering in a pile on the floor.

“Ah, so Yoochun ratted me out huh?” Yunho laughs, following him over to the sofa.

“Well, you weren’t exactly subtle about it.” Jaejoong points out, a coy smile touching his lips.

“Subtle? I’ll show you subtle Jaejoongie~” Yunho croons, reaching forward to grab Jaejoong, and tackling him to the sofa.

Jaejoong shrieks suddenly, a bubble of surprised laughter escaping his lips. Yunho’s hands are on him, brushing against his side’s mercilessly despite his squirming. He’s struggling to breath as the laughter keeps coming, tearing from him with each touch. His legs flail out to tangle up with Yunho’s, arms reaching to tickle him back. But Yunho’s always been just that _little_ bit stronger than him, and it’s still evident as he easily keeps him in place below him; although his position on top may well be giving him that extra edge. One of Yunho’s hands slides up his shirt, and goose-bumps erupt across Jaejoong’s skin in its wake, soft fingertips trailing sensuously in slow sweeping movements. A shudder rips through Jaejoong’s body, and suddenly the giggles are gone, very quickly replaced with sharp intakes of breath.

Something in Yunho’s eyes changes, and Jaejoong bites his lip at the sight of it, already knowing what was coming his way: and certainly not about to fight against it.

Dark eyes drink him in for only a few moments longer, before lips land on his. It’s messy, heated, and Jaejoong loves every second of it. He gives as good as he gets, never one to be a lazy lover. His enthusiasm seems to have been noted, and Yunho makes a low growl at the back of his throat, teeth grazing Jaejoong’s lip as he nips him. In response Jaejoong moans, a contented sigh exhaling through his nose.

He’s eager to get down to it suddenly, overcome with the urge to be as close as he possibly can to his long-lost lover. Breaking their lip lock, he reaches up to fist Yunho’s shirt within his hand, gently tugging on the fabric as he flicks his gaze up, eyes peering up at him through his eyelashes, lip caught between his teeth again - his most sultry looks, and one he _knows_ used to drive Yunho crazy.

Drive him crazy it does, and Yunho’s back clawing at his clothes again with just one look. This time he’s not so tender, fingernails catching his skin as he yanks at his shirt, tugging it up hard as he attempts to yank it up and over his head. Jaejoong can’t stop his soft chuckle of laughter at the action, and Yunho ‘punishes’ him with a swift kiss plopped at the corner of his mouth.

“Don’t tease.” Yunho murmurs against his lips, and Jaejoong drops his head shyly, unable to hide his smile as he tries to look properly chastised for his cheekiness.

He decides to help at last, lifting his arms up to ease himself from the confines of his shirt that had been causing Yunho trouble. Although when he comes to his jeans, he makes sure to take his time, and make a somewhat show of it for his other half; who seems only too happy to take note of Jaejoong’s rather audacious actions.

“Not that I mind you looking or anything… But aren’t you going to undress too?” Jaejoong says, grinning up at him.

Yunho blinks out of his daze, slowly nodding as he seems to realise what Jaejoong had said, a soft “oh” falling from his parted lips. He scrambles off the sofa suddenly, and Jaejoong beams once more as he realises that, even though so much time had passed between them here, he still seemed to have the ability to render Yunho speechless. The thought makes his heart swell once more, and suddenly he wants to make this a little more special.

“Bedroom!” Jaejoong announces brightly, jumping from the sofa, and rushing towards the bedroom where he’d woken up that morning.

“Wha-” Yunho, who currently still has one leg in his trousers, squawks, looking up just in time to see him go dashing past in only his boxers. “Jaejoong!” He then yells after him, laughing all the same.

Jaejoong ignores him, flinging open the bedroom door, and practically divebombing the bed in his excitement. It’s been… A _while_ , since he’d last slept with Yunho (his brief dream/trip to the past notwithstanding, and he wants to make the most of this. Which is exactly why he feels an abundance of nerves flutter about his stomach as he watches Yunho come sauntering into the bedroom, leaning against the door in such a cheesy, yet visually arousing, way.

“You expecting company?” Yunho asks, smirking at him wryly.

“Only my boyfriend.” Jaejoong replies coyly, rolling onto his stomach, and propping his chin up on his hands.

“Maybe I can keep you busy for a while then?” Yunho asks, sounding hopeful.

“I don’t think he’d like that very much.” Jaejoong tells him, smirking as Yunho’s face twists into a frown.

“Probably not.” Yunho answers quickly, sounding very much like he means it.

He still comes sauntering over to him anyway, this time taking a leaf from Jaejoong’s book, and making a performance of it, hips swinging to his own beat. Jaejoong can only grin at their antics, laughing endearingly as he slides up the bedsheets to make room for Yunho.

Playing to his more childish desires, he makes grabby hands at him, smiling contently when Yunho allows him to wrap his arms around his neck and pull him down for some more, very much needed kisses. He’d always been rather spoilt in that department, and if Yunho was willing to indulge him, then Jaejoong was more than happy to take advantage of that willingness again.

He’s just about to get things started, a hand ghosting over the hardened skin of Yunho’s cock, fingers toying with the hot flesh teasingly, when his funs spoilt by the tell-tale ringing of a phone from the other room. It’s loud, but for a moment he thinks Yunho might not be hearing it, and continues with his ministrations, hoping to distract him long enough for the blasted device to go to answerphone. It’s a nice idea, and one that Jaejoong thinks for a blessed moment he just might have gotten away with.

But Yunho, being the attentive leader that Jaejoong remembers him being, notices, and Jaejoong’s heart sinks as he pulls away from him.

“Do you hear that?” Yunho asks, head turning to the side a little more.

“ _No._ ” Jaejoong wants to say, and for a brief second, he toys with the idea of being selfish, and telling him so.

But the smart side of him reminds him of the many arguments that had come forth from such actions in the past. Was it really worth it? Probably not.

“Phone.” He mumbles, falling to a sulky tone all too easily, and he his hides his face with his arm to stop Yunho from seeing the matching expression that goes with it.

“Ah, don’t pout ~” Yunho tells him. “I’ll be back in a second. It’s probably just one of the managers wanting an update.”

“Then you’ll be talking for _days!_ ” Jaejoong whines, rolling onto his stomach as Yunho gets off the bed. “I’ll have died of old age by then.” He adds dramatically.

“So dramatic.” Yunho laughs, reaching out to ruffle his hair lovingly before wandering butt naked from the bedroom.

Jaejoong continues to pout, listening out as Yunho’s voice begins to filter through to the bedroom. From the sounds of it Yunho’s prediction had been right, as Jaejoong starts to hear topics such as “yes, the preparations are going well” and “yes, we’re on schedule to have it finished by the agreed date”. But even with so many confirmations the conversation doesn’t seem to be dying down, and Jaejoong stubbornly stands by his previous point of dying of old age by the time Yunho’s done confirming every aspect of their upcoming album.

With that thought in mind he turns his attention to the bedside table, flicking on the lamp placed there to give the dark room a soft yellow glow. He figures that he might as well get comfy if he’s going to be here for the long haul. However, just as he’s beginning to snuggle down against the pillows behind him, something catches his eyes. There, settled neatly, pride of place, on a cabinet off to the side, is a framed picture. It’s an old photo, one featuring all the original members of TVXQ back in their early days, eyes brimming with youth, fresh with life, and full to bursting with excitement towards their aspiring future. He blanches at the sight of his hair, long, black, and styled into such a horrific mess that he’d lived to regret it for many years after; despite the fact that he’d thought he’d looked the best out of all of them back then.

His horrible hairstyle aside, he can’t help but let his gaze linger the longest on their youngest, guilt returning tenfold like a heavy punch to the gut. He’d been so engrossed with Yunho, giddy with excited to finally be with him again, that in the rush of emotions he’d forgotten the havoc that his actions had caused.

Changmin was by himself, supposedly suffering with depression (if the rumours were to be believed), and perhaps struggling with an alcohol addiction.

God, what had he done?

Flinging himself back into his stomach, head cushioned on the soft pillows at the top of the bed, he wallows. Was all this just some sort of cosmic lesson from the universe, serving as a reminder that he really couldn’t have what he wanted, and that there would always be a severe consequence?

It was a likely story, he supposes, as he lies there listening to the sweet sound of Yunho explaining their creative progress.

“ _The things you truly wanted in life always seemed to come at a price_.” He reminds himself, feeling his eyelids drop with the weight of fatigue.

Perhaps he might just dose until Yunho’s done with his little chat. He can think of a way to right this wrong once he wakes up...

 -X-

“ _Ah, you fell asleep on me before I finished? Hm, and here you were complaining about me! Well, I suppose there’s nothing for it. Goodnight Jaejoongie..._ ”

-X-

He’s floating. Well, kind of.

He’s in what looks like a circus tent, balancing precariously on a thick wire placed between two points, feet placed at awkward angles, for which he can only assumed is to keep him in balance. Balance which is fast fading as the true horror of the situation starts to kick in. Which is more than understandable, given the fact that he’s around 30ft off the ground, and there looks to be no safety net below him to catch his unbalanced ass.

He lets out a warbled shriek, as his body awkwardly teeters, jerking sporadically from side to side, arms flailing out in a desperate attempt to right himself. But it does him no good, and with a final sharp dip forward, he miss-steps, and goes careering off to the side. His body feels weightless as he drops through the air, and he doesn’t have the mind to even scream as his mind goes blank with shock. All he can do is screw his eyes shut and wait for gravity to do the rest.

Only the world doesn’t seem to be done with screwing with him just yet.

Just as he hears the shout of his name, loud and clear above the panic in mind, he lands; colliding with something soft.

It’s surprising to say the least, and when he realises he’s no longer falling, nor in pain, _and_ in the comfort of something rather squishy, he opens his eyes.

The gathering of concerned people greets him. They tower above him, faces painted with bright, circus, looking makeup, and even brighter clothing. He thinks for a moment that he might just faintly recognise Changmin among the crowd, wearing something quite revealing, and holding what look like juggling batons. But that’s... Impossible, right? Changmin wouldn’t be caught _dead_ in such a getup.

But there again. There was that _one_ performance…

“You ok Jaeji?” A voice asks; a very familiar voice, that sounds like it’s coming from below him.

Immediately he sits back on his heels, and glances down.

Unsurprisingly, it’s Yunho; as Jaejoong had somewhat been suspecting. Yunho, who’s currently dressed in a vast amount of purple, and has what looks like a cape tangled around him. Which is a little surprising to say the least, and for a good few seconds he’s mesmerised.

“Jaeji?” Yunho asks once more, his voice touched with a soft hint of concern as he stares up at him.

“Sorry!” Jaejoong apologises, jolting back from his internal thoughts of just how good Yunho looks, and quickly scrambles up to allow his would be saviour to get up.

“It’s alright. No harm done, my darling moon rabbit.” Yunho says, pulling himself with Jaejoong’s help, and untangling his cape, fingers carefully smoothing it back into place.

It’s at this point, Jaejoong takes a moment to _really_ appreciate Yunho’s attire, and he feels his mouth run a little dry as he watches him reach down to retrieve a dark purple top hat, and place it atop his head in a dazzling, rather _suave_ move; a playful wink following. It’s eccentric to say the least, and not something Jaejoong had ever seen him wear before. Flattering, dark purple, dress trousers, (that are slightly tight in places), paired with a ruffled white dress shirt, that’s low hanging, and undone at the top by three buttons, and a smart waistcoat that matches the dark purple trousers in colour. It’s enough to give people a feast for the eyes in the form of the tanned flesh of Yunho’s flesh, and a sight that Jaejoong ogles openly. The whole things topped with the cape, a darker purple than the rest, but still a look that perfectly complements everything else.

He suddenly feels _way_ too warm.

“Although, you _really_ shouldn’t have insisted on trying that act without a safety net.” Yunho chastises him, seemingly completely unaware of Jaejoong’s current predicament. “Sometimes I really think you’re too overconfident in your skill.” He adds with a frown, which quickly settles into concern a moment later, gentle hands moving out to cup his face, tilting it up for him to look. “There again, it isn’t like you to fall, my precious.”

A feather light kiss, tender and soft as a rose petal, lands on his forehead. His feels like glass as he’s pulled into a careful embrace slowly, arms looping around his waist to coax him closer.

“You were amazing tonight though – as always.” Yunho tells him quietly, and Jaejoong catches the scent of something metallic flood his senses.

He watches, transfixed by the bright blue of Yunho’s eyes, something he hadn’t noticed before. They’re light and seem to gleam beneath the bright stage lights blaring down from above them, illuminating everything within their path.

“As a reward for such a beautiful performance, I have a present for you.” Yunho says softly. “Seeing as Junsu, and Changmin, are back from the hunt.”

Jaejoong gives him a rather confused look, but before he can make comment on his cryptic aura, he finds himself up and off the ground once more; only this time he’s not tight rope walking, but rather being carried within Yunho’s arms. He yelps in surprise, hands moving around Yunho’s neck for purchase. It’s not that he’s worried about falling this time – Yunho have never in the very long history of carrying him about, _ever_ dropped him. But… This wasn’t exactly his- This wasn’t exactly the Yunho from his universe. That, and it never hurt to be on the safe side.

Thought for his safety aside, Jaejoong realises that Yunho’s heading towards the exit, a bright smile on his face that makes him feel a little uneasy. He’s carried from the main tent and into the cold air outside. His outfit doesn’t do much for him against the nights air. It’s thin, revealing, and painfully reminds him of the flimsy pieces of fabric that had somehow passed as his stage outfits. Those thin excuses of cloth he’d been dolled up in during the ‘ _Mitotic’_ era, that had _barely_ covered his body. He shudders, both at the memory, and the multiple colds he’d suffered from back then.

He wonders if Yunho notices his shivering as he ducks into a smaller tent, his arm moving out to push away the heavy curtain He catches his eyes for a quick moment, before jerking his head to look around, feigning the action of looking around so as not to get himself caught red-handed staring.

However, glancing around only increases the foreboding lump that’s settled in his stomach. The tent is a lot smaller than its grand counterpart that he’d taken his frightening fall within, and holds an ominous, almost eerie feeling to it. One that he has a strong instinct to run from as he’s carefully placed back to the ground again by Yunho.  

“This way, my darling~” Yunho says, offering out his hand in a rather grand movement, and Jaejoong finds himself hesitantly taking it with a forced smile.

Something feels off…

However, his curiosity is still peaked, and he brushes aside his disinclinations, and follows Yunho’s lead further into the tent, letting the curtain drop behind him.

He’s right to have been perturbed though, as when they round the corner, Jaejoong finds himself upon the scene of five people gagged and bound to a large pillar holding up the tent they’re standing in. They’re frightened to say the least, all staring up at them both with eyes brimming with fear, gagged mouths forcing out muffled pleas. It feels akin to a scene pulled straight from a movie, and Jaejoong can barely take the sight in, body frozen in place with acute shock.

His assessment of the situation is cut short however, when he feels the fan of hot breath breathing across the back of his neck, and shudders when he hears Yunho quietly speak from behind him.

“Do you like them Jaeji?” Yunho asks, voice now beginning to sound a tad deranged to Jaejoong’s ears. “Are you happy, my darling moon rabbit?”

He can’t respond. He doesn’t even know what Yunho’s really asking! Is he happy? On what grounds exactly? There’s 5 people, people who look like ordinary citizens, people who look suspiciously like they’ve been kidnapped, sitting bound and gagged before him. Is this something he’s _supposed_ to be happy about, and if so, _why?_ Just what the hell was he expecting him to do with them?

“Will you help me with them Jaeji?” Yunho then asks excitedly, seemingly happy for Jaejoong not to answer his previous question, as he grins, body almost seeming to buzz within his skin.

But this request catches Jaejoong even more off guard, and he turns to stare at Yunho in alarm this time. Deal with them? Deal with them how exactly?

“I- What?” Jaejoong asks, his voice cracking a tad, and he feels the hair on the back of his neck begin to stand on end as his fight, or flight instincts slowly start to trigger with each passing second.

“Ah.” Yunho then says, clapping his hands together, a pinched expression of regret pooling across his face. “I’m sorry my precious - I forgot. You prefer to watch me deal the first kill, don’t you?” He explains, coming closer to gently caress his cheek, looking overly apologetic as he watches him. “Forgive me.”

A breath catches in his throat at the beautiful expression of love, something so tender and warm, that blooms within Yunho’s eyes. It holds him in place, rooted under the weight of such a heavy expression. Yet, the moment shatters like glass as flash of silver catches Jaejoong’s eyes, and before he can question it, Yunho’s arms flies out to the side, a chorus of muffled shrieks echoing a second later.

He turns his head, following the line of Yunho’s arm slowly, and his world tunnels, breath stalling as he takes in the gruesome sight of one of the victims, now slumped to the side, skewered in the centre of their forehead by a short knife.

A scream tears itself from his throat, and he immediately backs up from the scene, whole body trembling as he tries to make sense of what Yunho had just done. He stares in horror at the blood trickling down the man’s forehead, the image scarring itself across his mind. His hands fly up to his ears to block out the screaming coming from the other victims beside the dead man, and he shakes his head frantically as he tries to mentally reject the situation.

“Jaeji?” Yunho calls, face the picture of alarm as he moves to his side, hands reaching for him. “Jaejoong, what’s wrong?”

Terrified, Jaejoong slaps his hands away, eyes glittering with tears, breath leaving him in heavy gasps.

“You just- _Why_ did you do that?!” Jaejoong tells hysterically, his mind tumbling as he tries to process what the hell had just happened, and the _why_ Yunho seemed so calm about it.

However, before he can, he feels his mind sway, vision clouding intermittently, and his reaches a hand up, blinking to refocus his gaze. It doesn’t help though, and the words that he can see Yunho speaking to him don’t register to his ears.

His heart races in panic, blood churning past his ears in a defending roar. He gives Yunho a final look of confusion, as unfocused as it might be, before his body transforms into a weightless husk, and he feels himself fall backwards, the world before him crushed into a fading void of black.

-X-

There’s a scream on his lips even before he wakes. Eyes screwed up tight, and yet still acutely seeing the image of that poor man, a glistening knife punctured straight through the middle of his forehead staring at him with glassy eyes. And Yunho, Yunho who had looked at him in confusion when he’d screamed. Yunho, who had moved closer to him, with hands reaching out in comfort that had throw the very knife that was slowly sapping away the life of what had appeared to have been an innocent man. Hands he wants away from him. Hands that are- on him?

Between his screaming he becomes aware of hands on him, tugging at him in earnest. Then words become clear, words that are spoken to him with eerily familiar calm tones that only serve to remind  him of the Yunho he’d dreamed/experienced.

Honestly, he’s beginning to lose his grip on what was real, and what wasn’t.

“Jaejoong! Snap out of it!” He hears someone shout, and a fuzzy slither of sense within his mind links those firm demands to Yoochun.

He snaps his eyes open at the shout, body freezing.

Where was he? Was he finally home? Unlikely - Yoochun was here.

“Are you alright?” Yoochun asks, hovering over him in concern.

That question has to wait though, because a second later, just as Yoochun’s mouth opens to say something more, the door to the room flies open; angrily smacking against the wall and creating a loud bang that reverberates in the form of a booming echo. Following the violent movement comes three more people, each looking sleep ruffled, and sporting matching bedheads. Yet, despite their appearance, they seem a lot more awake than Jaejoong himself feels, especially when one of the intruders slaps the light switch, and the bright glare from the light on the ceiling blares down on him with an unnecessary intensely.

“What’s going on?!” One of them demands suddenly, and Jaejoong feels thrown for six once more.

This… This had all happened before.

His eyes dart up to the sight of Yunho, Changmin, and Junsu, each with matching looks of concern spread across their faces.

No. Not again. Was he really going to have to face the pain of past memories once more? His heart drops, taking in the sight of the familiar room, of the same blanket draped over him as before, of Yoochun’s young face unblemished with the struggles yet to come, of Yunho, his face crumpled with worry.

Yunho…

His stomach drops further, and he draws his knees up to his chest, and swallows, watching his band members in fear. Unlike last time he doesn’t say anything, instead sitting there watching them, waiting, for what, he doesn’t quite know.

“We heard screaming.” Yunho says, eyes hovering over Yoochun, before then moving to Jaejoong, who drops his gaze immediately when he finds himself victim to Yunho enquiring stare. “What happened?” He then asks.

“Your guess is as good as mine.” Yoochun tells him, and Jaejoong hears him sigh beside him. “Jae?”

“Bad dream.” Jaejoong mutters, keeping his head down as he muddles through his erratic thoughts.

“Ok.” Yunho says gently, moving over to Jaejoong’s side, and sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asks, arm reaching out to pull him into a hug.

But as soon as he makes contact, Jaejoong snaps, mind reeling back to the memory of dead eyes, a knife, and the slow creep of blood. He jerks, shouting out a loud cry of “don’t”, flinging himself to the side abruptly, his left shoulder slamming into the wall his bed was pushed up against. Pain blooms across his shoulder, and he recoils in on himself a little, hissing quietly on impact. His sudden jarring movement takes Yunho by surprise, and he moves back a little, blinking in shock.

“I’ll take that as a no then.” Yunho murmurs, glancing to Yoochun, in what Jaejoong assumes is meant to be a way of getting some kind of confirmation.

But the look does nothing, and Yoochun only shrugs rather uselessly at him, leaving Yunho to sit rather lost on the bed to figure it out for himself. Only Jaejoong doesn’t give him the chance. With his fight or flight instincts triggered, he resolves to get away. Pushing himself up and off the bed, he darts from the room as fast as he can.

Behind him he hears his band mates shout after him in concern, but he ignores them, instead coming to an abrupt halt in the kitchen come dining room. It’s exactly the same as before, almost perfectly matching his last dream/time travel visit; right down to the clutter atop the dining table that had given him such a rush of OCD before.

“I’m still dreaming. This _must_ be a dream.” He whispers to himself, hands moving to clutch at his hair, and blatantly ignoring his band members; who had now come to congregate together by the door to his and Yoochun's shared room. “ _Why_ am I not waking up?!” He demands, glaring down at the floor with a look of pensive anger, a slither of panic wiggling itself way through his body.

“Jaejoong?” Junsu asks gently, voice hesitant with uncertain concern, and Jaejoong turns to him, warily watching him slowly step forward to where it seems none of the others dare tread.

“I don’t understand.” He tells them meekly, feeling the urge to break down completely and let himself drop to the floor. “Why am I not waking up? Why do I keep living through this day?”

His questions get him nothing but a series of blank looks, and Changmin in particular now seems fed up with what he probably assumes to be nothing but sleep deprived ranting. It wouldn’t be the first time Jaejoong had let his sleeping problems get on top of him, and _definitely_ wouldn’t be the first time that it had results in him temporarily losing it.

“I warned you he was going to crack with all this lack of sleep business.” Changmin says pointedly, turning with anger masked concerned to look at Yunho, as he throws an arm out to gesture pointedly at Jaejoong. “Looks like it finally happened – just like I said it would.”

His condescending outburst earns him a dark look from Yunho, one that’s clearly a wanting to stop talking. Jaejoong would know, he’d often seen it after running his mouth during an interview. But it drops away almost as quickly as it had arrived, and his gaze soon refocuses on Jaejoong again, a more sympathetic expression glossing its way across his face. He steps forward, trying once more to offer Jaejoong what he must think is much needed comfort, but Jaejoong cuts the cord before he can offer it.

“I’m _not_ cracking!” He hisses, much like a cat lashing out, and every bit like the prissy princess that some people thought him to be and turns away. “This is a dream.” He reminds himself, curling his arms around himself in reassurance. “Eventually I’ll wake up, and you’ll all be gone again, we'll... We'll go back to being broken again.”

At that he does drop to the floor, the realisation dawning on him once more, and very quickly after the tears start flowing. He doesn’t remember being one for crying. He certainly doesn’t remember having cried all that often, if at all, in front of his members.

No. That had had all started _after_ the spilt. At the point he’d realised that it really didn’t matter whether or not he showed his emotions to that extent. If anything, these days his fans seemed to _enjoy_ that he felt comfortable to show that vulnerable side of himself.

But for his members... Well they were unlikely to be as cool with it. More than likely because they just weren’t used to it, and the sight of tears on him probably sent alarm bells ringing.

Which rings true when he hears Changmin make the most panicked of garbled noises from the side, a rather high-pitched panicked squeak of “oh my g-! I didn’t mean it Jaejoong! I promise!” dropping rather gracelessly from his mouth as Jaejoong continues to sniffle on the floor.

“Hey...” Yunho sighs gently, deciding to forego double checking whether or not it was ok to enchroch on Jaejoong’s personal space, and just do it anyway.

He squats down in front of him, face all soft edges, and open with nothing but fondness as he sweeps away a messy clump of hair from his face.

“Come on, let’s get up off the floor. We have perfectly good sofas if you want to cry this out.”

Jaejoong finds himself being tugged up, forearm pressing against his eyes to hide his tears. The effect isn’t pretty, and he ends up smearing them across his cheeks in the process, and by the time he’s settled down on the sofa he feels like a soggy sponge, saturated with his own sadness. It’s a double effect as he starts to feel a wave of self-consciousness crush him, and that combined with the weight of his members collective stares rooted on him makes him feel like a circus spectacle. It’s a little overwhelming just how much concern is being blasted his way, and he fiddles with his fingers just as an excuse to not have to look at them.

But that soon stops however, when a cold glass is pressed into his hands, and he follows the arm that’s holding it out to him only to find Yunho at the other end, face still smoothed out into a patient look.

“So then, what’s all this about us being broken, hm?” Yunho asks him, squatting down in front of him, hands placed gently on his knees as he looks up at him – and the strategic placement is not lost on Jaejoong.

It doesn’t take him long to realise that, in this position, it’s nearly impossible to avoid eye contact. Smart move Jung, smart move.

Yunho’s immediate observation regarding his previous ranting also isn’t lost on him. Of course, out of everything, Yunho was going to comment on the idea of the group breaking up. It’s no longer a wonder why Yunho had been so hell bent on protecting the group’s name – the signs had been there since day one, and Jaejoong feels a burn of sadness tug in his stomach at the blatant, yet somehow so very subtle, show of protectiveness.

“I keep falling into this dream,” Jaejoong murmurs softly, fully aware of how insane he must look to them right now. “And I don’t know how to wake up.”

“Dream?” Yunho echoes, tone urging Jaejoong to continue elaborating.

“I’m still dreaming.” He explains, making sure to keep his eyes locked on Yunho’s just to burn the image of how aware he is into his mind.

As expected, Yunho’s thrown be his admission, and he pulls back a little, seemingly to assess Jaejoong for a moment, before he finally shakes his head.

“You’re tired, Jae. We’re all aware that you’re not sleeping again, and with the schedule the way it is-”

“That’s not it!” Jaejoong shouts at him, keeping his head low, and glaring into the glass now squeezed tightly between his hands, skin prickling at the silence that seems to echo back at him from the shock of him shouting. “That’s not it.” He repeats adamantly, toning his voice back down to a firm, but quite tone. “This is the dream.”

It _has_ to be. There’s no way, all that pain, all that suffering; _everything_ that they’d been through - there’s just no way that his actual memories weren’t real. For one, his mind couldn’t have conjured such a heart wrenching scenario – no matter how creative he got. The feelings it had invoked, the anger it had caused, there’s just no way it was all for nothing but a dream.

He couldn’t reduce it to something so trivial. Which meant that _this_ , this weird return to the past, had to be the dream.

But… Was there some way in which both were real?

“It _is_ Jaejoong.” Yunho presses, eyes no longer soft, but still patient, as he always had been with them. “How can you say that this is dream, huh? Am I not real to you?” He then asks, frowning at him for a moment as though insulted. “Whatever it was you were dreaming in that pretty head of yours was simply that – a dream, and nothing more.” He reiterates.

That gives him something to think on. Yunho did _feel_ real. But then again, so had everything else he’d been experiencing so far – killer circus ring leader, and zombie slayer Yunho included.

So, what was the truth here?

For now, he gives, closing his eyes, and letting his shoulders sag. He flicks his eyes back open again a moment later, staring down at the condensation fogging up the glass of water still pressed in his hands. Perhaps, at least for now, it was better to just concede, instead of causing another headache. He was safe here right? With these people beside him – version that he was familiar with at least.  

Plan of action decided, he makes a soft noise of admission, one that comes out as a heavy sigh if anything and nods his head slowly.

“Ok.” He whispers, catching sight of Yunho’s small smile, and the feeling of his hands gently brushing against his own.

Seemingly pleased with his admission of defeat, Yunho taps his knees, and stands back up offering a hand to him.

“Right, well let’s get back to bed, ok? We can talk about this morning, and maybe look into getting you some more of those sleeping aids that worked so well before.”

“ _Unlikely._ ” Jaejoong thinks bitterly.

He vaguely remembers trying to get a hold of them before only to be told he couldn’t because of the addictive nature of them.

That aside, he still goes back to bed with Yunho anyway. He doesn’t sleep though, he can’t. Not when he’s still so on edge, his brain buzzing within his mind like a sense of impending doom. It keeps him solidly rooted in a state of panicked waking. Which he supposes suites him well enough in the end. It means he’d be first in the shower and could stand for an extra 10 minutes staring at the water drain away down the plughole. He’d even get to paint threatening messages in the mirror fog for the other members to find later – Junsu never _had_ quite been the same after they’d watched that one horror flick featuring a rather wrathful bathroom ghost...

His plans for teasing aside, being the first awake does lend itself to one positive in particular. That being the chance to watch Yunho wake up. Something he’s currently enjoying the sight of, as he stands at the end of the bed, already dressed in fresh clothing and running a brush through his famous hair. It’s like poetry in motion, and Jaejoong often wonders why he’d never written a song about it. There’s something quite cute about a rather fresh from sleep Yunho. Was it the bleary-eyes he’s rubs at as he sits up, or the lack of his usual sharp and steady coordination as he meanders about the bedroom, or perhaps the clinginess that lends itself to him wrapping himself around Jaejoong like koala as he potters about gathering his necessities for the day.

Or maybe it’s him just being a sentimental, love-struck, fool all over again.

“Are you not going for your run today?” Jaejoong asks after hearing another sleepy complaint.

“Ah! I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you!” Yunho babbles, showcasing that _adorable_ childish side of himself that Jaejoong cherishes, but is hardly ever displayed in front of their fans – somehow that makes it all the more precious.

“You’ll only complain later...” Jaejoong reminds him, tone dropping to a patronising, mother like, tone that he just _knows_ will have Yunho pouting – they both know he’s not wrong after all.

“Are you trying to get rid of me Jaejoongie?” Yunho pouts, pressing light kisses to his cheek.

“No.” He smiles, momentarily pausing from where he’d been dutifully folding his clothes. “I wouldn’t dream of it.” He adds softly, turning around in Yunho’s hold to kiss him instead, lips still turned upward as Yunho enthusiastically kisses him back.

 

If he’d been freaked out before about the whole “travel back to the past” thing, this time around he’s utterly dumbstruck. More so than anything else, he finds himself wandering about the set for the photoshoot in a daze. A daze which had started about 10 minutes into the car journey when he’d realised that everything really did feel like old times. He guesses the first-time round he’d never really had chance to breath it all in, what with his brain moving about 150 miles an hour trying to figure out just what in the blue hell was going on.

He tries very hard to not make it obvious that he’s more than a little out of it. But it’s so difficult when his mind still can’t seek to wrap itself around the situation, and the questioning looks of concern he receives from everyone else don’t go unnoticed. Neither does the not so subtle nudge that Yunho gets from one of their managers, nor the question of “is everything alright with Jaejoong?” that follows said nudge. Apparently, his mood is gauged by how much, and how loud, he’s speaking, and therefore the lack of word vomit leaving his lips was seemingly cause for concern. He’d personally thought that the near collision between his head and the concrete surface of the road, that had nearly taken place after he’d tripped over his own feet, might have been a bigger cause for concern. But, apparently not. Whatever - dully noted.

His clumsiness aside, things turn bleaker when he finds himself face to face with Yoochun again, the question of when they’re going to drop the bomb falling from his lips like a rude awakening, and he soon finds himself sobering up from his heavy daze. There’s something quite harrowing about hearing it for a third time, and it leaves his mind spinning not for the first.

But avoiding this before had not ended well, and now that he knows this he’s not exactly keen to duck and roll it again. Which leaves him agreeing to hash it out with the other members later that evening, and while trying not to give his nerves away.

However, agreeing to it, and then sticking by said agreement are two different things altogether. The thought leaves him cold and battling anxieties for the rest of the shoot. He wanders off in thought, completely blanking out, and not catching most of what’s said to him. It’s not exactly appreciated for the most part, and Jaejoong takes note of the crumpled looks of disapproval that Yunho shoots his way after the third time of being told to focus by their manager.

His nerves don’t improve once the shoots over though, nor during their radio schedules, both AM and PM, or even during the late-night practice for the upcoming batch of concerts. He’d initially been impressed by the way he’d been able to remember the choreography. But that had been the first time this oddity had occurred, and everything had been new, and very confusing at that point. Now he’s just thinking about how to keep himself from bursting into tears.

Managing all that leaves him exhausted, choreography aside, and by the time they’re back at the dorm, he’s ready to crash onto the surface of his bed and drift off. Yoochun doesn’t make allowances for that though. He's there at his side from the moment they get back, and Jaejoong nervously avoid eye contact with everyone as he moves out the way. He knows what’s coming, and although he’d agree to go through with it, both with Yoochun, _and_ with his inner conscience, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still subconsciously try to avoid it.

Again, however, Yoochun shadows him like a bee to nectar, hovering within his space, and genuinely being a nuisance as he attempts to make eye contact with him.

He assumes Changmin must catch on to it, or at least pick up on the suspicious vibes they’re sending out, as he comes over a moment later, mouth immediately running about what they’re having to eat. It’s enough to have Jaejoong placing both hands to the counter, sending a mental prayer to whichever deity might listen to have some mercy on him.  

It’s at that moment, that Yoochun breaks the ice – with a sledgehammer.

“Can we talk?” Yoochun asks suddenly, eyes searching about the face of the other members, and Jaejoong guesses that even they must hear the seriousness of his voice; as even Junsu pauses at the threshold of his bedroom to stop and turn back. Yet, even though Yoochun had spoken to the group as a whole, he still feels like the words are being spoken to him, loud and ugly against his ears. The feeling causes him to freeze in spot, his eyes glancing over to see Yunho’s face crease with a flicker of concern.

“Yeah, sure.” Yunho says, voice slowing in trepidation, and Jaejoong wallows in feeling of suddenly having the urge to tread on eggshells. “Group meeting then.”

Yoochun nods beside him and starts to make his way over to the sofa where Jaejoong had had his breakdown just that morning. He tries to not look at Yunho as they sit down, not wanting to give anything away. However, he ends up catching Junsu’s eyes as a consequence, and an awkward look of understanding passes between them. 

“So, what’s on your mind?” Yunho asks once they’re all sat down, and a rather painstaking silence has passed between them.

“Ah, well, it’s more… What’s on _our_ mind, right Jaejoong? Junsu?” Yoochun explains, and attempts to not so subtly nudge Jaejoong’s side when he stays quiet with his eyes resolutely glued to the floor.

But there’s no hiding that now, and Jaejoong doesn’t have to look up to see Yunho starring a hole through his head – he can _feel_ it just fine. So, after Junsu gives a rather quick squeak of “yes” as confirmation, Jaejoong begrudgingly plays along, nodding his head.

“So, you’ve been having private conversations?” Yunho asks, his voice doing nothing to mask his obvious displeasure towards the idea – he never did like when Jaejoong hid his feelings from him regarding something that was bothering him, and Jaejoong remembers that fact only too late.

In the past, he would have rose to Yunho’s unintentional bait, and he’d have been off the sofa in a shot, hackles raised right up along with his temper, ready to scream his innocence in the matter. He’d have probably caused an argument, and in the process riled Yunho up right alongside him by demanding to know why he was accusing them of scheming. But he’s not the same quick-tempered princess he was all that time ago, and his temper, along with his sudden bouts of unnecessary jealously, had dampened considerably since their separation. Which is why he manages to keep it calm as Yunho surveys them disapprovingly.

Sadly, Yoochun doesn’t share the same emotional growth as he does right now, and it doesn’t take long for him to bristle beside him, arms coming up to fold across his chest.

“It’s not like that!” Yoochun snaps crisply. “We were just talking about the future, and the best direction to take things.”

“And what was this decision?” Yunho asks calmly, chin lifting in afront. “We’ve spoken about this many times already, and _I_ thought that the decision was to wait a while longer before talking about it again.” He adds, shooting an imploring look their way. “Unless, that is, this isn’t about what I’m thinking it is.”

“It probably is.” Junsu mutters, keeping his head glueed to the table top, the picture of uncomfortable.

“Then tell me!” Yunho says, temper starting to rise as he begins to put two and two together. “Are you that unhappy being here as a group?”

“What? No! Of course we’re not unhappy about that!” Yoochun shouts back, pushing himself to his feet, and glaring at Yunho with venom. “How can you even think that?! When have any of us given you reason to think that us being a group is an issue?!”

“Well you haven’t exactly given me a reason to think that it’s not! What with all these private conversations! You haven’t said a word to me about any of it!” Yunho fires back as he gets to his feet to match Yoochun.

Jaejoong sits quietly, bottom lip catches between his teeth, and hands balled into fists as memories blur together. It’s happening again. If there was ever one memory that stood apart from the rest, bright in colour, and forever burned into his mind with a clarity like no other, then it would be this one. The memory of the first argument. The one that had spelled the beginning of the end. This right now, was the direct parallel of it in all its quick building glory. If he wanted anything to change, then now was the time to make a move – before things escalated further. If he didn’t chip in now, then there would be no saving things.

With that in mind, he takes a deep breath, calms his nerves, and lifts his head.

“Stop, both of you!” He demands, quickly garnering their attention. “We shouldn’t be arguing like this – it’s pointless, and it’s not what any of us wants.”

“But Jaejoo-” Yunho starts, tone lowered, but still sounding irritated with the situation.

“We were wrong not to speak to you about things – I admit that.” Jaejoong ploughs on, offering a remorseful look to Yunho. “We should have spoken about it as a group, and as eldest, I should have known that, and I take responsibility for the fact that we didn’t.” He adds, watching as Yunho’s face smooths out, anger fading into tense agreement. “But let’s forget about that, you can shout at me personally later. For now, can we just talk about things?” He begs, eyes creasing in anguish.

His calm tirade is expectedly met with strained silence, the kind that makes him feel a little embarrassed for a moment. But then Yunho huffs, and lets out a knowing smile, nodding his head. Even Yoochun, the most emotional of them, seems to admit defeat, and cracks a grateful look his way.

“That still doesn’t change the fact that we’re talking about this _again_.” Changmin cuts in, a solemn look on his face. “It doesn’t change the fact that we’ll be talking about this again in just another few months, weeks even.”

They all seems to deflate a little, more than likely agreeing at the notion, and Jaejoong nervously licks his lips, and glances about the other members. Would he be pushing it to raise the idea of leaving so quickly? He doesn’t want to rear the protective head of Yunho – at least, not without bringing more convincing arguments to the table first. Maybe he didn’t need to outright convince them that it was the only option. Maybe that had been the problem last time. Maybe he had pushed too hard. If he could just raise it as an option, maybe, just maybe, he could prevent disaster while planting the seed.

“I’m not saying that we _should_ leave, but maybe it’s something to think about…” He says carefully, watching for the reactions from the rest of the members. “But it’s possible that SM might not be the future for TVXQ.”

Immediately Yunho stands up again, a frown marring his face at the idea, and Jaejoong quickly goes to lift his hands up placatingly. It was exactly the reaction he’d expected, and as always, Yunho hadn’t disappointed. If he were to let him, he just _knew_ that Yunho would start to rant about the idea of leaving SM being one of pure stupidity. He’d remind them of the power SM had in the industry, would _tell_ them that they’d be laughed out of the courts if a law suit ensued.

But Jaejoong doesn’t let it happen.

Instead he once again he shoots him a stern look and lowers his hand back down.

“We started this group together. Yes, we had help from SM, they brought us together, gave us the necessary tools to get us started, training included. But we were the ones performing and making connections to our fans to keep supporting us. Don’t you think that’s worth something? Shouldn’t our happiness be preserved?”

“It _is_ worth something.” Yunho tells him, plonking back down to the sofa again, and pressing a hand to his head in thought. “But if things go wrong... What are we going to do? We can’t fight a whole company Jae.”

“I’m not saying we should.” Jaejoong says quietly, keeping his voice resolute. “I just think that it’s something that we should be thinking about. We’re a team, and _all_ of us should be happy.

“So, you’re not saying that we definitely should. It’s more of an idea?” Changmin asks slowly.

“Oh, we definitely should!” Yoochun butts in quickly. “They’re treating us like slaves! Can’t you see that?”

“ _No_ , I’m not saying that.” Jaejoong says, attempting to cut Yoochun before his ranting wound Yunho up again. “I just think it’s an option we should consider.”

“Do you _want_ to leave?” Yunho asks ludicrously. “If I outright said no, would you still go through with it?”

Jaejoong pauses at that, wondering how best to answer the question without incurring Yunho’s wrath. It’s a thin line to tread, and saying the wrong thing, pushing too hard, would only land him back at the crossroads of the split once again. He sighs, shaking his head, and sparing a glance to the rest of them.

“If we leave, then we should leave together.” He tells them firmly. “Splitting up... That _isn’t_ an option.” He says sadly and lifts his head up to stare at them all desperately. “Can we... Can we at least agree on that? That we’ll stay together no matter what decision we make? Let’s not separate, we’re much better together.”

“No, we can’t split.” Junsu says quickly, smiling warmly. “You’re right. We all need to be happy, and I think splitting up would only lead to more heartache. Right, Yoochun?”

Yoochun huff’s and folds his arms as all eyes fall to him in expectation.

“I never said we should split up... I don’t want that.” He admits, eyes crumpling sadly. “I just don’t want to be taken advantage of anymore. It’s too much.”

Silence stretches between them again, and Jaejoong wonders just where on earth things would go from here. Had he changed anything? They were tearing at each other now. But at the same time, they hadn’t exactly come to an agreement on anything either – besides the idea that they didn’t want to split from each other.

But hadn’t that always been the case?

He doesn’t remember ever _wanting_ to part from the others. But the waters had muddied to the point where they could no longer see the truth at the bottom of the pool. They’d been so much hate on both sides. So much that the bond which they’d slowly nurtured for years on end had fractured, and they broke away, leaving Yunho, and Changmin, on one side, and JYJ on the other - both without a bridge back to each other.

But maybe this time round, with a little bit of luck, they wouldn’t need that bridge to begin with.

“It’s... It’s definitely something to think about.” Yunho admits softly and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully. “I’m happy that you told me that you were feeling like this again- No, that you’re _still_ feel like this. But I’m even happier that you think staying together is more important. This group... It’s a five-member effort, and I’d like- I _want_ to preserve that. But I understand that it’s important that we're all happy.”

His words seem to satisfy both Junsu, and Yoochun. The two of them smile, and when Yunho spots Yoochun looking a little teary eyed, he gets up to offer him a warm hug, and Yoochun finally lets the flood gates open, apologies falling from his lips like a waterfall.

Emotions rise in Jaejoong’s chest, and he darts his eyes to the floor quickly. This younger version of himself wasn’t used to dealing with such open displays of emotion just yet, and his members had been through enough tonight. They didn’t need him blubbering again too...

Still, he lets a more private smile go later that night. Long after the celebratory take-away meal that he buys for them that is. He’s more than eager to go to bed by the time the whole thing is over, wanting nothing more than to get the day over with already. He wants to see if he’s done enough, if this time they’ll be ok.

However, the form beside him, with their arms curled around his stomach, pulling him close, has other ideas.

“Jae?”

Mind half caught between sleep and waking thought, he only manages to push a garbled “hm” past his lips. But it seems enough, and Yunho chuckles at his effort before continuing.

“Leaving SM... Is that what you really want?” He asks, voice wavering with uncertainty, and the words end up being mostly mumbled into the skin at Jaejoong’s neck.

In an effort to keep himself awake a while longer, Jaejoong sleepily blinks a couple of times, letting the question soak into his mind, and leaving a stretch of silence to creep between them. Part of him wonders why Yunho would ask. He’d clearly been against the idea earlier, no amount of preaching about how much he understood that they should all be happy could ever hide that.

Yet, Yunho doesn’t pull the question back, instead he seems to patiently wait for Jaejoong’s answer, arms momentarily holding him tighter, as though to keep him awake.

“Yeah...” He mumbles back sleepily, moving his hands to the ones resting at his stomach. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

-X-

It’s warm, so warm, and comfy. He doesn’t want to open his eyes, and groans as his mind nags at him to get up. He really doesn’t want to though, and rolls over onto his side, nuzzling into the pillows.

However, he pauses after a moment, realising that he’s alone – which is new.

Immediately he springs up, suddenly feeling much more alert as he scans his eyes about the room. It’s not _his_ – at least not the one that he’s used to back in the future. The comprehension of that alone pushes a bubble of disappointment up within his stomach, and he hugs a pillow to his chest sadly. It’s weird, but in a way, he does miss those familiar surroundings.

But if this wasn’t his room, did that mean he had potentially changed the future again?

Hesitantly, he slides off the bed, taking the pillow with him as he goes, and shivers as he feels the chill of the air around him. Why was the room so cold? Confused, he glances around the room, and spies a cosy looking hooded jacket thrown over a chair off to the side of the room, and reaches for it, sliding his arms into it and retracing his steps to grab the pillow again, hugging it close for extra warmth. He passes a large mirror as he heads towards the door and catches sight of a flash of gold in his peripheral vision. He's blonde again, he realises, and smiles to himself, pleased to see that he’s retained his sense of style at least in this timeline, and opens the door, feeling positive for once.

However, he soon stops short at the sight that greets him, pausing at the threshold, and letting the pillow squished to his chest fall to the floor with soft thud.

A cold, sinking, feeling settles in his stomach as he takes in the shocking sight before him. Beer bottles, cans, and shot glasses of all varieties are strewn about the room. Some on the table, some rolling about the floor, and some tipped over across the sofa leaking excess liquid into the material. They look like they’ve been there for a while, days, weeks? He’s not entirely sure, but the room _reeks_ of alcohol, a stench so strong that he has to hold his nose to hide from the smell. Not only that, but the room was dark, dismally dark, curtains drawn shut, almost as though trying to hide the awful sight from the world. Yet, it’s not dark enough to hide to shapes of take-away boxes, plates, and cutlery that are dotted about the kitchen towards the back – again looking like they’ve been sitting there for far too long. A sight that causes even more concern to brew within him.  

But even then, beyond all of that, the worst of all has to be the scene of Yunho sprawled out asleep, half on and half off, the sofa. His mouth hanging open in a way that would have been comical, if it wasn’t for the fact that the situation felt so wrong. His hairs unkept, looking matted even from where he’s standing, and Jaejoong can see the dark shadow of a beard working its way across his face – something that Yunho was normally known for keeping on top of. He normally wouldn’t mind the sight of it, sometimes he even thought that it looked strikingly handsome. But it was the fact that Yunho seemed to disagree and preferred cutting it back that’s got him so concerned, and his face crumples into one of apprehension quickly.

He’s got a terrible feeling that he’s only made thing even worse – something that he’d previously thought wasn’t possible.

* * *

Thank you such much for the positive feedback from before! I finally got round to finishing chapter two - I'm so sorry I'm really slow these days. It's not even because I don't know where to take the direction of the plot! I literally have it all written out! 

Anyway! I forgot to jot down links to my tumblr before (if anyone's interested)! So you can hit me up at:   
[Here](http://taebyte.tumblr.com/) - for my main blog (taebyte)  
[Here](http://yunjaae.tumblr.com/) - for my YunJae side blog (yunjaee)  
Either's fine! I frequent both often.  
  
Also super late! But what's everyone thinking to Jae's Japanese activities? I'm so proud of him, he's looking so happy these days, and I love his new songs! 


	3. Chapter Three

Why did it feel like there was a million miles between them?

Yunho’s right there on the sofa, looking a bit worse for wear, but there all the same dosing away – his mouth hanging open, and his eyes ever so slightly peaking out from under his lids. Old habits die hard, and this seemed to be one of those that Yunho would never truly shake. Yet despite the wave of anxiety Jaejoong feels, it’s a sight that still manages to pull a wry smile to his lips, the surrounding area that had been worrying him before be damned.

But sweet scene aside, he realises that he’s not exactly going to get the answers he wants unless he wakes him – which is something he’s loath to do. A sense of ill foreboding tells him that it’s not the wisest of ideas; and judging from the volume of alcohol currently clogging up the room, he’s pretty inclined to follow that feeling.

He’s fully aware of Yunho’s darker side after all. The side that lent itself to drowning his sorrows in the bottom of a beer can. In fact, in the remaining days that Jaejoong _had_ been in touch with him, he’d often found himself conversing with a not so sober Yunho, trying to gently coax him away from the stuff, and gently hinting that it wasn’t the best way to deal with things. Those conversations had never run smoothly, and most had ended in Yunho drunkenly swearing at him down the line, full of hate and anger towards him, and thoroughly resenting Jaejoong’s decision to leave. Of course, Jaejoong too, had responded all too quickly with his usual sassy remarks, more often than not issuing the threat to stop taking Yunho’s calls, and insinuating that it was Yunho who had driven them away, blaming his poor leadership skills for not managing to keep them all together.

Naturally, he’d come to regret those comments, ashamed at himself for reacting the way he had. Obviously, he’d chosen the worst of things to say. But being as close as he had been to Yunho, he’d been the master of pressing the wrong buttons. He’d always known what to say to hit the hardest, and in the heat of the moment he’d let his anger run away with him, hurt by the accusations, and wanting to strike back in the most painful of ways – and what better way to hurt Yunho than to press against his leadership insecurity, and pull it into question?

It had proved fatal, and after a few more shitty calls passed between them, everything had seemed to abruptly grind to a halt with no warning. No more drunk calls, no more _sober_ calls, not even a tipsy text.

He tried. He _really_ tried; even after the bulk of the dust had settled with the lawsuit. But things had been different, and even though Jaejoong had begun to slowly mend the bonds between himself and other SM idols, his connection to Yunho, and Changmin, had never re-kindled itself. Even their shared friends outside the industry hadn’t been able to help, and Jaejoong had eventually convinced himself to stop trying, realising that pushing the issue was leading himself nowhere but back to heartache.

That being said. While those friends hadn’t necessarily helped out in reuniting them, they _had_ offered some insight into what was going on from time to time. But those insights had never positive ones, and they’d often spoke of Yunho drowning his sorrows in alcohol, cigarettes, and spending lazy days inside the darkness of the dorms. They’d spoken of an unkept man, with greasy hair, and a beard that had long grown past the point of subtle stubble, with skin that was too pale, and sagged under his eyes in heavy bags. A man that didn’t see much of sleep, and when he did it was on the only on the condition that he passed out from too much drinking. A man that was a shadow of himself, one that wasn’t coping, and was silently crying out for help without even realising it. Help that he wasn’t getting.

The more he’d thought about it back then, the more it had pained him. He’d never seen it for himself, having been long thrown out of the dorms, but he thinks that it might have matched closely to the sight in front of him right now.

Which is exactly why he hesitates for so long, pondering his next move with due care. What was that old saying? Wake not a sleeping lion?

Although, this sleeping lion doesn’t seem to need even prompting. Almost as though triggered by the whirring of Jaejoong’s thoughts spinning around his head, a soft groan echoes through the room. Instinctively, he stops himself breathing, trying to remain as still as possible and wait the moment out. He wonders faintly if he should move back into the bedroom, not entirely eager to face Yunho just yet. He wants to at least get a better idea as to what was going on first.

However, he soon realises it’s too late, and with a sinking feeling in his stomach, he watches as Yunho lifts his head and promptly catches sight of him standing in the doorway.

A frown passes across his face, followed by a tired sigh that’s heavy from sleep. He then lifts an arm, and drapes it across his eyes, effectively blocking him out. For what, Jaejoong has no idea, and he’s briefly left wondering if he should perhaps be annoyed at such a rude gesture. Surely, he’s not _that_ much of an unpleasant sight first thing in the morning – if it even _was_ morning that is.

“You’re back then?” Yunho asks him, not at all sounding pleased about the fact, and still hiding his eyes under his arm.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jaejoong asks before he can stop himself, only belatedly realising a moment later that he could perhaps have had a schedule that had kept him otherwise occupied.

He didn’t after all even know if the group was still in one piece still. Perhaps he’d been busy with a JYJ schedule, or even solo promotions. If anything, all Yunho’s question had really confirmed was the possibility that Yunho, and he, still lived together.

“You tell me.” Yunho replies with a sigh, rolling over onto his side. “You seem to spend most of your time as far away from here as you can these days, off out galivanting with your so-called friends. So, forgive me and my curiosity.”

Yunho’s sharp tone stirs a burn of nerves in his stomach, and he fast feels the air between them become thick with the tension of a rapidly brewing argument. It’s something he wants to avoid if he can. He knows next to nothing about this future after all, and going headfirst into a slanging match with Yunho right now would probably cost him. He doesn’t like the idea of playing without a full deck.

“Well, I’m back now.” He says carefully, offering a hesitant smile to test the waters as he steps forward. “So, if-”

“You ought to watch yourself. If you’re not careful, we’ll have another scandal on our hands again.” Yunho tells him crisply, lifting his head only to give him a dark look, one that has Jaejoong pausing in his tracks.

Scandal?

“What are you talking about?” He can only ask, brows furrowing.

“They’re not from SM, are they?” Yunho ploughs on, refusing to look at him as his voice takes on a more casual tone.

“Who?” Jaejoong questions, watching Yunho with a wary look.

Why did this situation feel so tense? He can only guess they’d had an argument prior to him being dropped within this world. It’s the only explanation he can think of for as to why Yunho won’t quite meet his eye, and judging from that it had to have been a pretty explosive one.

“Whoever you were with last night!” Yunho snaps out of nowhere, pushing himself to sit up, a nasty looking glare rippling across his features.

Jaejoong takes a swift step back at that, eager to draw some distance between them. Despite being all too familiar with Yunho’s anger, he can’t exactly say he’s confident with dealing with _this_ version of him – especially when he’s tossing around words like ‘ _scandal_ ’. Still, from the sounds of it, it seemed like it would be wise to admit that the people he’d supposedly been with hanging out with last night were not from SM – it was better to tell the truth than lie at this point. He gathers from the tone of Yunho’s voice that whoever these people were, they’re not ones that he’s particularly fond of; and _that_ leaves him thinking that the chances of them being of SM origin are considerably slim. Yunho was after all usually rather fond of those affiliated with SM – idol wise anyway.

“They’re not.” He says firmly, eyeing Yunho’s reaction carefully for any signs of change.

Thankfully there is none, and Yunho simply nods at him, lying back down, and turning his head to the side.

“Good. Wouldn’t want them stirring things up and leaking fake scandals to the press again.” He mutters darkly. “I think we’ve had enough bad press to last us a lifetime.”

At that Jaejoong frowns, desperately trying to read between the lines of what Yunho’s saying. SM had caused a scandal concerning them, when he didn’t know, but Yunho was clearly still bitter about it. But if SM were the ones who’d released the scandal, then chances were that they were in bad books with them. Did that mean that they were no longer working under SM? Surely if they were, then SM wouldn’t have allowed this scandal to leak, right? They would have pulled the plug and paid off any media outlets that were trying to put the story out there.

So, did that mean that they _weren’t_ with SM anymore?

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.” Jaejoong jokes, a rather hopeful attempt at lightening the sour air in the room.

He remembers the pains of so called scandals. It had happened many a time to him in the past. The drink driving scandal of 2006, the catastrophe that was the news of him being an adopted child which had followed later that year, and the outcry after he apparently assaulted a sasaeng fan in 2012. He doesn’t even want to think about how many times dating rumours had emerged, and then the obvious fall out of the split that had just about ended everything.

The point was, he’d survived them before, and he was sure that whatever had happened now was something that he could survive also.

“Not that bad?” Yunho asks, sitting up once more to shoot Jaejoong one of the most venomous looks he’s ever been on the receiving end of.

immediately he knows he’s said the wrong thing. It certainly doesn’t take a genius to work that one out. Even without looking at him, Jaejoong can tell. There’s a particularly nasty bite to his voice that he’d only ever heard him use twice.

“You’re telling me that the fact that this scandal has caused us to be cast out from the music industry isn’t that bad?” Yunho murmurs quietly, rising from the sofa slowly. “Or the fact that our friends and family can no longer even leave their houses without being bombarded by the press with questions about how we’re living in sin?!” He continues to rant, finally lifting his head, eyes narrowed, and so full of seething anger that feels like a punch to gut when they lock onto him. “Or worst of all Jaejoong, are you telling me that the fact that my family has disowned me, their only son, _isn’t that_ bad!”

Utterly floored, Jaejoong parts his lips, willing an apology to pass them. Yet, nothing comes through, and he’s left standing rather uselessly as Yunho grits his teeth in anger and turns away.

“I need another drink.” He comments sourly, shuffling over to the kitchen, and wrenching open the fridge.

At this point it doesn’t feel like much of a surprise that the entire fridge is lined with bottles, and cans of alcohol. He can see various brands from where he’s standing, an abundance of the ones that Yunho favoured lined up pride of centre on the shelf. His heart aches as he watches him reach for a fresh bottle, and he bites his lip before mustering up the courage to speak.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” He asks, keeping his tone light, and almost humorous as the question hangs in the air like a prime piece of bait.

He just hopes his intentions aren't ill received. After all, he’s not trying to pick a fight. He just can’t stand the way his inside burn with a painful chill as Yunho breaks off the cap.

“What do you care?” Yunho mutters, taking a long swig of his drink, not even glancing up to look at Jaejoong. “Besides, it’s not like you’ll be here later anyway is it?”

“I don’t have any plans.” Jaejoong tells him quickly.

Obviously, he doesn’t know if that’s the truth or not. But it doesn’t matter. No matter what plans they were, whatever it was, and whoever they were with, they could wait. Right now, the situation between them seemed much more pressing.

“Well _there’s_ a surprise.” Yunho says with a casual air, leaning back against the countertop, his back still firmly to Jaejoong. “I would have thought you’d be off out again, ever eager to gossip to your friends about how hard done to you are. I’m sure they’d be more than happy to _console_ you.”

For a brief moment, just a fraction of a second, he feels a flicker of a familiar spark of anger. The same anger which had used to carry him through many a heated argument with Yunho in the past, causing him to lash out nasty insults. The same anger that had used to trigger right after Yunho made sweeping comments about him going off with his friends, and sniping remarks cast as slight suggestions of him sleeping about with them.

He’d come to learn that Yunho didn’t mean it. Just like he hadn’t meant the things he’d said. It all came down to heat of the moment madness, and quick criticisms with the intention to hurt.

Perhaps that had always been the problem. They knew how to hurt each other too well. All too clued up on what would hurt the other most to hear.

Which is why, he bites his tongue, all too aware of their past mistakes. He cools himself off in the silence that follows Yunho’s words, and sighs.

“Whatever it is you’re thinking I’m up to, I can assure you isn’t happening.” He says calmly. “You should know more than anyone that I love you.”

He watches Yunho stiffen for a moment, and then turn to glance at him in surprise, a crooked eyebrow raised in question. Naturally, he can’t help but wonder why. Was it not something he said often anymore? Could there really be a world where he _didn’t_ take every chance he could to tell him how much he loved him?

“You’re sure acting odd.” Yunho mutters. “Normally you’d bite my head off for even hinting that you might be sleeping with one of those morons you hang around with.”

“Do you _want_ me to rip your head off for it? Is that what you’re _wanting_ me to do” Jaejoong asks him, arching an eyebrow.

Wasn’t it _him_ who had used to incite these petty fights? His jealously had often sparked then during their youth. While Yunho preferred to _act_ on his green-eyed monster, Jaejoong had leant more towards bottling up his jealously, letting it build and fester until they were back behind the safety of closed doors. More often than not choosing to point blank ignore Yunho in the meantime, and then purposely hash it out with him later until Yunho caught on to what he was doing; which would then inevitably lead to him caving in and whispering gentle reassurances of their relationship.

So, to now have _Yunho_ playing his previous petty princess role, and have it turned on him was rather jarring.

“I don’t _know_ Jaejoong!” Yunho explodes suddenly. “I don’t even know what we’re doing anymore!” He admits, bringing up his free hand, and running it through his hair in a rather stressed rush of movement. “I don’t even know why we’re together anymore. Is it just because that’s what people now assume to be true? I mean, they obviously do - because of the scandal. But are we just staying together because of that? Because it can’t be down to making each other happy – because we sure as hell both know that’s not true anymore...”

If his heart could really break, then he assumes that this would definitely be the moment it did. But it doesn’t, because he still manages to let go of the shaky breath he’d been holding, letting it spill from his lips, eyes clouding with a film of tears. He tries to keep them at bay, biting his lip to stop them from falling, and glancing away from Yunho’s hunched frame to gather himself for a moment. He knows if he really does cy then it’s over.

“You don’t mean that.” He hears himself murmur, and wraps his arms around himself for comfort.

“Don’t I?” Yunho snaps. “Don’t tell me that you really believe that we’re staying together for us! If anything, it’s for the group, right? To give meaning to everything that’s happened. To give them the sense that all this suffering, all this heartache, and the mess of being dragged through the media like cheap circus entertainment isn’t for nothing! That’s the reason isn’t it?! Let’s not pretend that there’s any love left between us anymore, how can there be? It’s just convenience.”  

The room screams silence back at them again, leaving Jaejoong standing there dumbstruck, and Yunho heaving an angry breath. A thin trickle of hurt begins to leak into him, and when he swallows he feels a lump of emotion lodged within his throat. Suddenly he wishes he could just slide back into his old ways of resorting to anger to cover the hurt. But the years had not been kind to him, and they’d slowly worn down the mighty walls he used to throw up in defence of his fragile soul, leaving them as nothing more than a pile of crumbling bricks. These days it was far too easy to piece his armour.

“Do you really feel that way?” He asks in a small voice, listening as it cracks around the words, a cold, numbing sensation washing over him.

It doesn’t feel the same as when they used to argue. This is something else. Something on a whole different level.

He watches Yunho draw back, now looking perturbed, almost like he hadn’t been expecting the reaction that Jaejoong had given; almost like he’d been expecting more.

“Yes.” He says, pausing to assess Jaejoong with unsure curiosity. “Yeah, I do.” He admits, looking back down to his drink.

Jaejoong nods a couple of times, trying to desperately wrap his head around the situation. He doesn’t know how to proceed with this, nor what to say to Yunho’s sudden emotional revelation. In truth he doesn’t really know if he’s _meant_ to say anything. What was Yunho expecting him to say? He knew that in the past he’d often made sweeping declarations. Not because he was particularly wanting a response, or action to be taken, but more because he just wanted people to know how he felt about a particular subject. Often Jaejoong had just nodded, or at least made some kind of gesture to make it known that he’d digested what he’d said and would carry on. It had always been sufficient, and Yunho had never demanded more than that.

But this... This felt different.

“Okay.” He says, nodding his head once more. “So where does that leave us?”

“I don’t _know_ Jaejoong!” Yunho rages again, slamming down his beer bottle with enough force to send a sharp crack resounding through the apartment.

He’s silent once more, maybe thinking, maybe wait for Jaejoong to give him the answer. But just as Jaejoong goes to say something, _anything_ to clear away the sound of silence, he turns back to him once more, his tall form leaning over the countertop.

“I don’t... I don’t think it does.” Yunho admits hopelessly.

“What?” Jaejoong pushes, drawing back a little further in shock.

Yunho lifts his head, and looks over his shoulder at Jaejoong, eyes now glossing with a mournful sheen as he flicks his gaze off to the side.

“I don’t think this leaves us anywhere.” He says sadly, shoulders slumping. “I don’t think we should be together anymore. It’s not doing either of us any good. We make each other miserable, and it’s pushing the group to breaking poi-”

Yunho stops suddenly, and sighs, as though having suddenly realised something.

“No, I think the group’s past that now.” He then admits. “I think it’s over for both sides. For you and me. For the group. There’s just... There’s just no point anymore. We’ve put off the inevitable for too long - it’s over Jae.” He announces, this time seeming to have the courage to face him directly.

But there are no tears on his face. Not like Jaejoong, who has them streaming down his face silently, eyes furiously trying to blink them back to save face. It’s impossible though, and they keep coming like a fast-flowing river of continuous anguish.

“We _can’t!_ ” He says, the words loud, but strained within the tight clutches of his sorrow. “We’ve survived this long! We can’t jus-”

“That’s exactly why!” Yunho hisses, cutting Jaejoong out before he can even begin to fight for them. “It’s all been for nothing. We can’t return to the industry anymore. I can’t return home anymore. I can’t even… _We_ can’t even…”

“We _can!_ ” Jaejoong pushes, now desperate, his eyes wide and pleading against the stone wall that Yunho had seeming become before him.

But it’s like striking a brick wall over and again with his bare hands – pointless, and painful. Yunho gives him nothing. Nothing but a long-suffering look that tells Jaejoong that they’d been here before, having had this conversation countless times.

“We _can't_ Jaejoongie.”

Its perhaps that name, the one that Yunho had used to throw out like candy so blatantly during interviews, and TV appearances. The way he’d once spoken it with such tenderness that a burst of giddiness had often arose upon hearing it. But now it just feels sad, and Yunho sounds tired as he says it. The affection that had once come with that name had seemingly long dried up and turned into something bitter.

It’s a punch in the gut, the final nail in the coffin. Yunho really didn’t want to be with him anymore, and not because of an impending lawsuit, or the threat of being ripped apart, or even due to being lost within the throws of blind anger. No, this time it was his own decision, perhaps one he’d been pondering for quite some time. Which surprisingly hurts more than he ever thought it would. He’d figured that enough time had passed since actually being in a relationship with Yunho, to the point that things like this would not longer hurt to hear. But even now, he feels a cold burn churning in his stomach, the urge the run away screaming through his veins like a primal warning.

He caves, turning away from Yunho just so he won’t have to see the pitying look he’s being sent.

“Surely you knew this was coming?” Yunho asks him desperately, voice but a whisper to his ears.

Of course he didn’t. How could he have known the outcome of his actions? He’d hoped that things would be better this time, he’d _believed_ they’d be better this time, he’d even for the first time in a while felt like there was a bright future waiting for them. But he’d been wrong, very wrong, and things had once more turned sour.

“I didn’t think things would turn out like this.” He says, hunching in on himself, feeling the urge to make himself as small as possible.

“Yeah, well....” Yunho only responds, sounding reluctant abruptly. “I’ll...I'll stay with friends tonight. We can talk about this tomorrow when we meet up with the others, ok?”

“You’re leaving?” Jaejoong chokes, head darting up suddenly to stare at him in horror.

“Well, I don’t think I should stay. Nothing good will come of that.” Yunho says, walking towards him slowly, and then quickly past him into the bedroom.

“Wait! You really don’t have to. If you want, I can go...” Jaejoong argues, rushing in after him, now frantic as he attempts to stop what Yunho was now calling the inevitable.

“No, I think you’ve been out enough, don’t you?” Yunho says, once more giving him an odd look, like he hadn’t quite been expecting him to offer.

He wants to deny that, but he stops himself, knowing that he can’t really. Instead he watches in dismay as Yunho steadily puts a bag together. It doesn’t look like an overnight bag, and his stomach starts to churn as he sees more, and more, clothes being hurled into it. He’s not planning on coming back anytime soon.

A childish urge to start taking the clothes back out rises as Yunho goes into the ensuite bathroom to grab his toothbrush, and toiletries. He’d done it in the past one time when Yunho had gone back home over the holidays to see his family. But back then Yunho had laughed, called him cute, and proceeded to press kisses to his cheeks. He doesn’t think his actions would garner the same result now.

“I’m surprised.” Yunho says honestly, his hands moving quickly to zip the last of his things up. “I didn’t think you’d take this quite so well.”

“This is me taking it well?” Jaejoong asks miserably from where he’s sat at the top of the bed, arms still folded around his waist in self-pity.

“Well you’re not screaming bloody murder at me, and you’re not seething to point of blatantly ignoring me. So, yeah, I’d say you’re taking it well.” Yunho explains, heaving his bag off the bed, and dropping it gently down to the floor. “Its... A little strange really.”

If he thinks about it, _really_ thinks about it, then he supposes it makes sense. The separation had forced him to grow as a person, to no longer cling to Yunho, and the safety of their relationship. He realised a lot of things thanks to it, had grown a lot from it, and with that growth acquired a deeper appreciation for so many things. Parts of him had forever changed, including his personality. He’d realised that crying wasn’t a sign of weakness, he’d stomped down on his jealous outbursts, realising that he didn’t have the luxury of being able to bite Yunho’s ear off about things anymore when they upset him. The whole thing had seen him come out on the other side a more mature person.

So, he supposes that without it he would still act how he always had, which was probably why Yunho was so surprised.

“I suppose so.” He admits, moving to play with his hands nervously.

Yunho laughs at his reaction, probably finding him cute despite the situation. The sounds surprises him, and he looks up to find himself the object of his gaze. There’s a fond look directed at him, one he can’t quite fully decipher. He’d never been a big believer in being able to tell exactly what a person was thinking just by looking at their eyes. But if he had been, he’d hope that there was maybe still a drop of love there.

“Better be off then.” Yunho tells him, his head slightly inclined towards the door, and Jaejoong wonders whether he too thinks that the distance towards it is suddenly a million miles away.

“Will you be ok? Where will you go?” He asks belatedly, rising to stand all the same.

“One of the guys will put me up I’m sure.” Yunho tells him, sounding confident.

Jaejoong doesn’t dare ask for clarification on who Yunho means. He only nods slowly and starts to follow him out.

He hadn’t been wrong about the distance either, it feels like they walk for miles until they reach the door. But once there there’s an awkward moment where Jaejoong swears that for just a moment Yunho almost goes to kiss him. He sees him pause, half in and half out the door, and his body turns back towards him, head slightly bend down. He leans in, for the briefest of moments, but then stops, as though realising what he’d been about to do it, and pulls back. He can’t lie, it had hurt to see him stop himself.

“I’ll... See you tomorrow.” Yunho mumbles at him, a stiff look taking a hold of him before he sighs. “Just.... Take care of yourself, ok?” He asks, not quite meeting Jaejoong’s eyes as he says it.

Jaejoong wants to say something, maybe ask him to stay, or clump together a cluster of reasons as to why this isn’t the answer. But he can’t, the serious expression on Yunho’s face stops him dead, and the words he wants to give die on his tongue.

So, he doesn’t say anything. He lets Yunho go after an awkward moment of lingering, in which Yunho watches him with that same odd look from before. He watches him walk down the hall, and then keeps watching him until he disappears from his sight altogether. It’s tough, and he has to push down a wave of pressure that threatens to consume him. All the while his thoughts of failure keep him company, churring round and round on how he’s made more wrong decisions that had led to nowhere but misery.

In a rush, he yanks the door shut, and swiftly locks it behind him, whirling around to lean against the solid surface, and take a breather.

“ _Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!_ ” He tells himself furiously, swallowing down his emotions. “ _No more crying._ ”

He wants to get away from this place, away from this time.

Before when this had happened, meaning his travels into the future, it had all seemed to reset once he’d gone to bed. Each time he put his head to his pillow he’d end up somewhere new. It seemed reasonable to think that it would happen again.

Hurriedly, He retraces his steps back to the bedroom, and pulls a hopeless expression at the sight of the many open drawers that Yunho had be rummaging through while packing. It can wait, he decides, and moves back over to the bed he’d awoken feeling so positive in.

However, he pauses suddenly as he passes the dresser.

It strikes him abruptly that unlike the last future he’d been to that there’s a glaring difference. In this future there’s no photos left out. There had been so many in the future of JY4. Granted, it hadn’t all been smiles, and roses. But they’d been happy enough to have forever frozen moments of their life scattered about every available surface.

It suddenly drives home the fact that there really was no love left here.

The dismal thought now planted, he goes to glance down at the floor sadly. Yet, another thing catches his gaze, and he frowns as he takes in a crumpled piece of what looks to be a newspaper clipping. It’s rolled into a ball, and tucked away into the corner of the top dresser drawer that Yunho had left wide open.

Curiosity takes a hold of him, and he reaches down to grab it, smoothing it out on the dresser top carefully.

Shock hits him like a freight train as he stares down wide eyed at the words printed before him in bold block letters:

TVXQ’S JUNG YUNHO AND KIM JAEJOONG REVEALED TO BE DATING

He doesn’t remember going to sleep.

-X-

“ _I know you won’t agree with me. Honestly, Jaejoongie! You’re so stubborn when you want to be! But… I think, I think it was a mistake to leave…_ ”

-X-

Everything is glowing with a stark white gleam. The lights are bright overhead, and it’s painful to look at them. His body _aches._ It feels heavy. Everything’s so fuzzy. He can’t think properly.

Where _is_ he?

“Jaejoong? Are you awake?” A voice asks, one that sounds as tired as he feels.

There’s a hand within his, one that’s gently rubbing circles against the back of his skin in slow motions.

He… He knows that voice, right? At least he _thinks_ he does? His mind struggles in a painful reach to focus for a moment and make the connection that he needs.

Wait, of course he does! That’s Yunho’s voice… Right?

“Ah, there you are.” The voice, Yunho, says again, and Jaejoong watches as his handsome face comes into view, hovering above him with a smile as soft as cotton sheets. “You’ve been sleeping for a while, I thought you were going to pull a sleeping beauty on me for a moment!” He laughs, and Jaejoong turns his head, watching as he goes to sit down in what looks to be an incredibly uncomfortable plastic chair set out to the side of him.

Was he… He was in hospital? Oh _God_. What had happened to him now?

“I bet you’d like that though, right? Sleeping for a hundred years I mean?” Yunho carries on, apparently not minding that Jaejoong wasn’t replying – which he supposes makes a change to his usual chatterbox self. “Or maybe not. I bet you’d just rather be home at this point…”

He’s finding it hard to keep up with what Yunho’s telling him, his mind feeling as though it was clogged with cotton wool, and only half grasping the words being spoken to him. Something’s clearly not right with him. Which he guesses makes sense, considering that he’s apparently in hospital.

“Oh, sorry!” Yunho then says suddenly, his head jerking up to look at him wide eyed. “Do you want a glass of water?” He asks, moving to stand back up once more from where he’d only just sat down.

His throat _does_ feel dry though, at least, that’s what he thinks it might be. So, he tries to nod, his vision clouding for a moment as he does, and his effort is rewarded with a rather sad smile.

“I’ll be right back. They took the water pitcher a while ago while you were still sleeping.” Yunho tells him, turning to leave. “One second.”

He tries to follow Yunho’s movements, desperately struggling to lift his head. But he finds that his attempt leaves him drained, and his body falls limp from the very little exertion he’d made. He sighs, eyes hanging heavy. Why was it so difficult?

“Here we go!” Yunho’s voice rings out, and Jaejoong lets his head drop to the side to see him back once more, this time with a pitcher full of water, and a single plastic cup. “Do you want to try and get up?” He asked, sounding oddly hopeful.

Yes, yes, he does. He just hopes that Yunho will help him with the task. Because right now, this body wasn’t going anywhere with his weak solo effort.

He’s not disappointed. Yunho moves quickly to support him, mostly doing all the work to heave him up. He doesn’t particularly enjoy the experience, and he feels incredibly needy for requiring the help for such a simple task. Normally being manhandled by Yunho was… Well a lot more sexy, and he always enjoyed the trill of it. But this, this doesn’t garner the same results. Especially when Yunho fusses about setting the bed to the right incline so as he can sit up comfortably. It was one thing when Yunho was doing it because Jaejoong was deliberately being a brat, and _wanting_ the fuss, and another thing completely when he had no say in the matter.

But, it gets worse.

Yunho reaches for the pitcher, carefully pouring out a modest amount into the plastic cup. Jaejoong watches him do it, mouth watering at the idea of finally getting a drink. He finds himself eager, and goes to move a hand out for it. But his body fails, and his arm falls limp after just about managing to lift it from the bedsheets.

Of _course_ Yunho notices. It would have been a wonder in itself if he didn’t. He laughs, and it sounds a little strained.

“What are you doing?” He asks, smiling at him with too much force. “You don’t need to do that. I can get it for you. Do you not trust me to take care of you? Even after doing it for all these years?”

_Years?_

“Here we go. Don’t drink it all at once, ok? We don’t want you being sick.”

As instructed, he takes slow sips. Yunho holds the cup steady to his lips, face painted with a fond look. It’s semi worth the helplessness he feels at not being able to do it himself. He manages to drink it all down, but finds that while his throat no longer feels like sandpaper, he’s still just as lethargic as before.

“Do you need any painkillers yet?” Yunho asks him, setting down the cup once more, and fixing him with a look of concern that makes him want to reach out and touch him. “I know you just woke up, but you’ve not had any for a while so if you need then-”

He makes a face, one that he hopes Yunho understands as “no” – which, he must, because a smile blooms in place of the previous concern that had been fast taking over. There’s a smile there now. A smile that’s so pretty, and fits so perfectly, that it begins to pull a smile to his face too. So, he tries to lift his head again, arm aching at the strain. Yunho notices the movement, and immediately moves to cradle it within his own hands.

Something about the action brings a sad look crashing back across Yunho’s face. He frowns, wondering just what had caused it.

“I’m sorry.” Yunho whispers suddenly, leaning down to press a kiss to his skin. “I... I spoke to them again; about letting me bring you home.”

Home? The idea of going sounds so good to him. He longs to lounge about his own apartment. Or even cook up a good meal in his kitchen. The longer he’s away, the more he begins to miss the simple things.

He wonders if his longing is beginning to show on his face. Because as he glances to look back at Yunho, he can see the beginnings of a teary-eyed expression blossoming.

“I tried. But… They said I couldn’t.”

His voice cracks a little over the words, and Jaejoong watches with a growing sense of unease seeping through him. He brings a hand up, and slowly stokes it down Yunho’s cheek. He can tell that he’s trying to ground himself. Trying to stop his emotions from leaking through.

“They keep saying you’re getting weaker, and weaker, these days. But I don’t believe it. I’m sure that you’ll beat this. You’ll prove them wrong, and you’ll be back home in no time. I’ll take care you, just like always, and we’ll go and see the fireworks like we did last year, ok? We’ll see them for sure.”

Jaejoong doesn’t feel the words are being aimed at him anymore. It sounds more like Yunho’s trying to convince himself more than anything. But it’s not like he can say it. His brain won’t co-operate with him, and he ends up just letting out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding.

He’s just so tired, and he idly wonders just how long he’s been here lying like this. Yunho says he’ll take care of him like always. Did that mean he’d been ill for a while?

Was he dying?

It certainly felt that way. What with Yunho making the comment about him getting weaker. Did that mean that time was running out for them in this world?

If so, then that made Yunho’s words even more heart wrenching.

“Ah, you don’t need to worry about that though.” Yunho smiles, his hand squeezing his a little tighter. “You just need to rest and get better. I’ll wait, I’ll keep waiting – no matter how long it takes.”

Jaejoong believes him.

Even as he struggles with the heaviness of his eyes, the call of sleep whispering so sweetly to him. He believes in those words spoken with such conviction. Even when a burst of pain flares through his body, and his eyes snap back open once again. Even as the sound of furious beeping erupts from somewhere beside him. Even as the room explodes with pounding footsteps, and hurried voices bouncing off instructions.

But most of all when Yunho calls out to him, with darkness clouding his view, his voice still carrying over everything else – as it always had.

“Don’t you dare leave me Jaejoong! I’ll wait here for you – don’t go off on your own!”

He wishes he could call back to him. Wishes he could promise to come right back to him.

But he realises that he can’t make those kind of promises anymore.

-X-

There’s no screaming this time. Only the sound of ringing somewhere close to his head, and rush of nostalgia that comes crashing over him as he listens to the familiar blaring sound.

If his memory served correctly, that was the sound of his old alarm. A loud, electronic beeping that hadn’t aged well, but had been the best of 4 options his phone offered at the time. Loud enough to wake him from the rare dead sleeps he sometimes experienced, and the least obnoxious of his limited selection. _God_ , how he didn’t miss it.

He quickly realises the awful sound would probably wake everyone within a 10 miles radius if he didn’t switch it off, and he wearily reaches for the device, jamming his fingers to every available button in a hopeful attempt to shut off the noise. He figures one of them must have been the winner, as the noise stops abruptly after a moment of blindly fumbling with the device.

Mission accomplished, he slides off the bed, shuddering as the memory of the last time he’d been awake still haunts him. He he’d rather avoid being in bed for a while.

He quickly checks that Yoochun is still sound sleep with a quick glance to the bed across him. His bandmate is, as expected, still knocked out cold, and he smiles at the sight, making his way out of the room, ensuring to pull the door shut behind him gently.

He already knows he’s back in the past again. That much was now obvious to him. For some unexplained reason he seemed to keep coming back here again, and again. Not only that, but he seemed to be returning to the same day each time. There had to be a reason for it. There was just no way it was pure coincidence.

The day of the first argument. The day that had changed everything.

Was he supposed to do something here? He’d been trying. But was he simple getting it wrong each time, and then repeatedly being given chance after chance to try again? He supposed that would make sense. Kind of? In a K-Drama sort of way.

What _was_ also beginning to make sense, however, was the idea of all of this being real. His mind was slowly beginning to believe that. What with the realness of the whole thing, and accuracy of what he was experiencing. How could it not be? Even in his wildest dreams his mind could _never_ think to imagine all of this; as creative as he was.

So, if he really _was_ being given this chance, then he had to make the most of it. Which meant resorting to some pretty drastic measures.

He moves to stand by the window, lip pulled between his teeth as he stares out across the city below thoughtfully.

His next move wasn’t exactly one that he wanted to go through with. It was one that would mean turning his back on everything he’d suffered through since the original decision to leave SM. He would be betraying the very blood, sweat, and tears that Yoochun, Junsu, and himself had sacrificed for the sake of their careers. An act that would pretty much besmirch the JYJ name, and everything they’d stood up and believed in.

However, after going through the last sequence of what Yunho had done for him. Sitting there for an undetermined amount of time while Jaejoong had apparently gotten sicker, and sicker, before his very eyes…  Well, he wondered if perhaps some things were worth a shot. If maybe this was the right thing to do, or at least try. Because leaving SM had obviously not worked out so well.

But if he _did_ go through with this, then they wouldn’t have to struggle, and the previous emotional scars would no longer be there. Not only that, but they’d all remain together, and should things get worse, then they’d still have each other to lean on. There would be no struggling alone. No being ousted from the industry, and no being left to crawl on their bellies for opportunities.

That being said, it was hardly going to be easy.

He sighs, closing his eyes, and taking a deep breath.

One step at a time.

 

There’s something unnerving about living through the photoshoot for a fourth time.

It’s not like it was particularly memorable from the first time round. However, having now done it three times already, he’s got a good idea of what will be happening, and finds himself being able to semi guess each move before being asked to position himself. It freaks the photographers out the first couple of times he does it, and they pause for a moment, lowing their cameras to give him varying puzzled looks before continuing. He tries to make it seem as natural as he can, acting as though he were doing it subconsciously, but he knows that no matter how innocent he tries to play it that it must seem odd.

His members don’t share the same wonder. Instead they merely call encouraging words to him, like they always did each other, clapping their hands together like seals, and laughing when Jaejoong shoots them dark looks over his shoulder.

“We’re going for a modern, rather chic look for the first few sets.” One of the staff members says, moving rather frantically about the set with a folder full of concept pictures. “Then we’ll move onto a softer look, lots of baggy, loose fitting clothing – browns, beiges, _natural_ colours!”

Jaejoong mimics them behind their back, mouthing the words right along with them, and causing Changmin to raise an eyebrow in question at him as Jaejoong walks back towards the stylists. He argues with the little sense he has left that he’s doing it to keep himself entertained, that keep himself sane. Because he’s _really_ going to need it with what’s coming next…

“ _Time to bite the bullet!_ ” He thinks to himself as he takes his next bundle of clothing from their stylist.

Just as before, he finds Yoochun in the make-shift changing room, slowly peeling back his clothes and replacing them with the hand selected ones.

“Already done?” He asks him, whistling in approval as Yoochun gives him a quick turn, before posing ridiculously.

“Yeah, I think I actually like it for a change.” Yoochun laughs, glancing down to inspect the outfit himself. “Not too outlandish, but stylish enough to stand out just a little.”

Jaejoong nods in agreement, chuckling to himself at the at the familiar words, and begins shrugging off his clothes, and dropping them into a small pile. Again, just as before, Yoochun hovers awkwardly, shuffling from side to side with that pensive look on his face. Jaejoong waits for a moment, making sure he’s dressed, before pointedly looking at him.

“You okay?” He then says, bundling his old clothes up neatly.

“Oh, yeah!” Yoochun confirms, a little too fast. “It’s just... Well I was thinking about what we talked about the other day.”

“Oh?” Jaejoong says, trying to sound intrigued, as he begins to run through what he’s going to say in his head.

“Yeah, about our future, I mean.” Yoochun explains. “I was thinking that now might be a good time to sit down with the others and talk about it. I mean I was talking with Junsu the other day, and he seems to think-”

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it too.” Jaejoong interjects, offering an apologetic look for interrupting so suddenly. “I know that before I was all for it - and part of me still is!” He says quickly after catching Yoochun’s expression twist into a befuddled look. “It’s just, well, I’m not entirely sure anymore.”

“What are you saying?!” Yoochun asks loudly, his voice prickling with anger, as he shoots Jaejoong a stormy look. “You were all for it before! You were agreeing with me about everything! From the unfairness of our schedules, to not being paid for the hard work we’re putting in! Even the lack of holidays! What’s changed? I don’t understand!”

Jaejoong lets him have his moment, knowing that what he was saying was bound to come as a sudden 360 from Yoochun’s point of view; and knowing that he was bound to be annoyed at him for suddenly defecting. So, he stays quiet, letting him stew, and plots out his next words carefully.

“I wasn’t lying before when I was agreeing with you. I _did_ , and still _do_ agree with you.” He explains, holding up a hand when Yoochun goes to speak again. “But, I just think we need to wait it out. Yunho is _not_ going to take well to the idea of leaving, and I really think we’d be in a much stronger position if we stayed together. Which I _know_ won’t happen if we steam ahead with the idea of leaving.”

“But I’m sure you could speak with him and-”

“No Yoochun.” Jaejoong sighs, folding his arms across his chest, and furrowing his eyebrows sadly. “You already know how protective Yunho is of the group’s name. I think it all stems back from the whole ‘ _Four Seasons_ ’ thing – you know about how _that_ fell through right? The group that Yunho, Heechul, Kangin, and me were supposed to debut with? I think he’s scared of that happening with us. He’d never dare to do anything that would threaten the collapse of TVXQ – he cares too much to let it happen. I can promise you. He won’t challenge SM.”

“You say that! But we’re not happy are we, and things are only going to get worse! There’s no freedom Jae! They hardly give us any kind of input, and yet they expect us to work under suffocating conditions like their own person puppets. It’s not right!” Yoochun rants angrily, his voice beginning to rise past the point of discreet, and Jaejoong glances toward the door of the dressing room anxiously.

“ _Yoochun!_ ” He hisses, jerking his eyes in a warning gesture towards the door, and frowning as Yoochun draws back in realisation. “ _Look_ , it’s all well and good that you want to leave, and yes, if we could get away with it, then I would be all up for following right behind you.” He tells him quietly. “But _think_ about it. Say we do march right into SM and tell them we’ve had enough and that we’re leaving. Then what? The first thing they’ll do is draw up plans to make us suffer as much as legally possible; that is, after they’re done laughing us out the building. Just think about the influence they have. They could practically erase us from the industry if they really wanted to – you _know_ they could. Don’t even get me started on the potential lawsuit they could drag us though…”

Yoochun stays quiet, clearly trying to take in everything that Jaejoong’s saying. He seems to mull it over, face twisting thoughtfully. Then a disgruntled look of agreement begins to surface, one that speaks of potential defeat, and he crosses his arms across his chest defensively, face scrunching into a frown.

“You really have been thinking about this haven’t you?” He mutters, more to the floor than Jaejoong himself, and the later laughs humourlessly.

“Well, you gave me a lot think about.” Jaejoong comments dryly, and then sighs long-sufferingly when he catches sight of the defeated look on Yoochun’s face. “I really do agree with you Yoochun. About the way were being treated, and the conditions we’re working under – everything. But… I just don’t think this is the way to fight it. I don’t want to risk what we have. I don’t want to risk you guys, and what we have.”

“No.” Yoochun says, dropping his arms back to his sides. “You’re right. Perhaps it’s too hasty. Maybe it would be better to leave it a while longer. It’s not like I want to throw all this away either. I’m just… _Frustrated_.”

“I know.” Jaejoong tells him sympathetically, offering him an empathic smile, and a gentle squeeze to his shoulder. “We’ll sort this. Just, not this way.”

In that moment he means it too, every word.

 

Rehearsals for tours are hard. He can’t believe he’d nearly forgotten just how difficult it was. It’s all hard work, and hardly any play – which he supposes is just the usual really. The choreography is coming back to him easily enough. Some steps are tricky, and he forgets his place at times, which of course makes everything all the more tricky. But the worst part is that Yunho’s a real slave driver when he wants to be, and he sighs dismally at the thought of another three hours of it.

He’d decided to try and get away from it for a bit by feigning the need to stretch out his legs - just for a chance to sit down and take a load off his feet.

He’s thankful that this body is still so young and houses a hell of a lot more energy than that of the one in the present time. Energy that he really wishes he still had. Those rock numbers he does nowadays are really tiring at times! If he even had half of the energy he had now then, damn, would those performances be a hell of a lot easier. But even with all this energy, the schedules are still tough, especially with the staff watching them like hawks hunting their prey.

He quirks an eyebrow in irritation at the thought, and silently thanks whoever will listen that they’re not currently in Korea. Because, the staff there were ten times worse, and boy oh boy, does he remember it. Just the thinking about it makes him scowl, and he makes a show of reaching forward just that little bit more, grunting a little in exertion. Of course, by the beauty that was his luck, one of their staff passes by just at that moment and gives him an odd look. He can only smile awkwardly as they exit the stage via the side and goes back to frowning at his toes again.

However, a sudden pressure at his back makes him whine, and he folds forward further, causing him to feel a tight burn that shoots through the muscles in his legs painfully.

“You’re going to have to try a little harder than that if you want to make it look like you’re _actually_ stretching.” A familiar voice teases. “Because we both know you’re just wanting to sit down.”

“Hm, well maybe if you weren’t such a war lord when it comes to rehearsals…” He mutters childishly, a pout blossoming across his lips.

“Oh, is my Jaejoongie pouting again?” Yunho laughs, squatting down to drape himself across Jaejoong’s back.

“Maybe.” He says back, voice cheeky. “What are you going to do about it?”

He can feel Yunho’s breath against the back of his neck, and goose bumps creep across his skin. He may, not so subtly, lean back into Yunho’s hold, but no one has to know that.

“I’ll have you practicing choreography, that’s what I’ll do.” Yunho tells him, whispering the words right next to his ear. “Someone’s foot work could do with some tidying up.”

“So not sexy.” Jaejoong sulks, dropping his head to Yunho’s shoulder, and reaching up to flick him in the centre of his forehead.

“I don’t know~ I think you’re pretty sexy when you dance.” Yunho teases, leaning over right into Jaejoong’s face as he says it, his lips dangerously close to making contact with Jaejoong’s cheeks.

He has to laugh at that. Dropping his gaze to the floor and trying to bite away the grin threatening to split his face. Yunho might be strict, and he might try at times to dance them into early graves, but at times like this he has to wonder if he’d ever really minded.

“You done stretching?” Yunho asks him, switching back so quickly to leader mode that Jaejoong has to roll his eyes.

“I suppose with that tone I should be.” Jaejoong sighs, letting Yunho pull him up.

“Good, cause my knees were starting to go dead from squatting.” Yunho laughs, and bends his knees a couple of times to rid himself of the stiffness that had started to set in.

“Seems like you’re getting old baby~” Jaejoong teases, reaching out to pinch his cheeks, unable to stop himself from giggling when Yunho fixes him with a thoroughly unimpressed look.

He places his hands over his ears and begins making noise so as he can’t hear Jaejoong speak, childishly babbling away.

“I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you!” He choruses, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Ah! You’re such a kid!” Jaejoong tells, but he’s laughing too, making a grab for Yunho’s hands playfully.

“I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you!” Yunho laughs, twisting away from him with a giddy expression.

Jaejoong goes to follow him, fully intent on getting his own back, but he comes up short suddenly, catching sight of Yoochun, and Junsu, huddled together at the side of the stage. He can’t see Yoochun’s face, due to him having his back to him. But he can see the look of baffled confusion on Junsu’s, a look that slowly turns into a disapproving frown as he says something to Yoochun. Whatever he says must be bad, because Yoochun’s frame seems to hunch over slightly, as though he had let out a heavy sigh. It has Jaejoong’s insides twisting with anxiety; especially when Junsu glances his way, and his face immediately transforms into a rather cross scowl.

He’s not sure what he’s done. Or maybe he is, and just doesn’t want to think about it. It’s a lot easier to keep the guilt at bay that way.

It’s certainly enough to have him avoiding the pair for the rest of the rehearsals. It’s also enough to keep him up late into the night, tossing and turning as he ponders whether or not Yoochun had told Junsu about their conversation earlier. Did Junsu disagree? Would he still walk away? Had he changed things for the better time? Or had he only made things worse again?

“ _Well there’s no going back now._ ” He thinks to himself, closing his eyes, and snuggling closer into Yunho’s warm embrace.

Just for now that’s enough to keep the monsters at bay.

-X-

It’s cold, cold enough to have him shiver as he slowly gains clarity. Someone’s hands are in him, gently coxing him awake. He can hear them calling to him, but he doesn’t want to get up. He feels so tired, and his body is aching. Was it his manager? Was he going to get scolded again for being late for a schedule? He really hopes that it’s not because he’s been sleeping with the aircon on again…

“Jae… Jaejoong.”

Slowly, he opens his eyes, blinking a couple of times as he adjusts to the lighting within the room. He’s pleased to find Yunho there, sitting beside him on the edge of the bed, and even more so to find him with a soft smile on his face. No manager in sight.

Ah, so he’s in a new future. One where Yunho’s present, one where Yunho’s _smiling_. So, hopefully everything is ok on that front then. There’s at least one check box he can tick off.

“Good morning sleeping beauty.” Yunho says gently, reaching over to brush a hand down his cheek. “You left the aircon on again.” He then says, lips tugging into a teasing smile. “I should have stayed outside, it’s a lot warmer out there than it is in here!”

“Ah, I’m sorry.” Jaejoong moans, rolling over onto his side to look at him – although his eyes won’t quite follow his instruction, and keep drooping; and he belatedly wonders just what he’d been doing to make himself so tired.

“It’s alright - just _try_ to remember to switch it off next time. It’s expensive to keep running it all day, and night. Help me out a little in attempting to keep you in the life you’re accustomed to!” Yunho jokes, mussing his hair, and giving him one those extra special smiles that people often told him had solely been reserved for him. “How was the flight back from Japan? Don’t tell me you got mobbed at the airport again.” He asks, getting up from the bed to open up the curtains.

Jaejoong briefly considers telling him not to bother, it’s much to bright against his eyes, and finding out that he’d taken a flight only recently definitely explained the groggy feeling. Looking back, he realises that he’d never been one to fall asleep while thousands of feet up in the air. However, he sits up anyway, figuring that Yunho must be looking to talk seeing as he’d asked, and he regrets the movement as soon as he’s propped up against the headboard; his body aching in protest.

“It was alright.” He answers vaguely, trying not to seem too distant as he says it.

“Yeah?” Yunho questions, looking back at him with a knowing look, more than likely understanding that he was sleepy due to lack of sleep. “Your concerts went okay though, right? I know how much you were looking forward to being out on stage again.”

He’d been performing concerts?

Well that explained a lot. Like why he was so achy. These days performing seemed to take it out of him. But _boy_ did he enjoy it – every moment was treasured memory that was well worth the fatigue that followed.

But Yunho was talking as though it was only him who’d travelled. Which meant that the rest hadn’t been present. Something was slowly leading him to believe that the concert had been a solo performance. So, where did that leave the group?

“Yeah, the concerts were great!” Jaejoong says brightly, knowing that if his fans were there, then they would have bound to have been good. “What about you?” He pushes, blinking as Yunho hands him a steaming cup of what smells like coffee.

“Me? Oh, you know, same old, same old here.” Yunho laughs, wandering off to pick up another cup from the set of drawers to the side of the room, before sitting down on the bed again. “I was at the studio for most of night. SM have got this new group set for debut, you remember that one I mentioned before you left? So, I’ve been running them through the choreography for their debut song. The pace is really quick, so a couple of them keep dropping behind every now and then. I’ve got to admit though, it’s pretty intense. But they’re good kids, and the leader’s super patient – so I’m confident they’ll have it down in no time.”

Jaejoong nearly chokes on his coffee; one sugar and super milky (just the way he likes it).

Studio? SM? Running through Choreography? Did Yunho work for SM still then? Did _he_ still work for SM? Just what had he changed?

“That’s good then!” Jaejoong says with a forced smile.

“Yeah, it really is. I was worried about them for a while.” Yunho admits, a fond smile on his face. “But it seems like they’re going to be fine. I put it down to my awesome leadership.” He admits grinning from ear to ear and puffing his chest out.

Jaejoong laughs, doubling over, and cradling his cup to try and protect the bed from rogue coffee spillage. Yunho frowns disbelievingly and shoots him a wide-eyed stare that screams from him to explains his laughter. But Jaejoong, can only wave his hand, gesturing from him to ignore him.

“How are the others?” he then asks, trying not to seem too eager, and aiming to keep it vague again; just in case someone had gone and done a runner, or there was some kind of discord going on between them again – mentioning names could potentially trigger something that Jaejoong just wasn’t equipped to deal with.

“Oh, they’re fine. Junsu’s preparing his new album still. He called me the other day while he was in the studio recording. He played me a bit of the demo track while I was on the phone with him. I think you’ll be pretty impressed when you hear it!” Yunho says, that proud leader smile of his blossoming through as he talks. “Changmin called me- when was it? Wednesday? Anyway, yeah, he’s somewhere in Europe travelling; should be back next week sometime. But he told me to say hi to you, and that he’d called when he was back in Korea.”

“Mm, that’s good.” Jaejoong smiles, pleased to hear that everything seemed ok so far – had he actually done it, was this finally the future he’d been trying for? “And Yoochun? What about Yoochun?” He asks, draining off his coffee cup with a final swig.

Yunho frowns at him oddly for a second, and then a look of realisation seems to dawn across his face.

“Ah, yeah… Junsu mentioned about that.” Yunho says with a sombre tone and moves a hand to awkwardly scratch at the back of his neck. “He… He wasn’t sure if you were going to go – what with you being away in Japan. But he said that he’d go with you if you were back in time; which I suppose you are now.”

“Go with him?” Jaejoong asks nonchalantly, glancing away from him as he leans over to place his cup on the nightstand.

A moment of silence passes, and Jaejoong pauses, hand still outstretched towards the nightstand as he turns back to shoot Yunho a questioning look. But what he finds sends his stomach into a flutter of nervousness. Yunho’s face twists into an uncomfortable look, as though he’s both confused as to why Jaejoong’s seeking clarification, and uneasy about explaining; which leads him to glance away as he speaks.

“To go and visit his grave Jae – just like you do every year.”

* * *

 

I think I managed to get this chapter up quicker than last time - which is an improvement to say the least! Warning the next chapter is going to be a bit... Dark?

So I was thinking about maybe actually writing some of these au's as actual stand alone stories? Would anyone actually be interested in that?

LINKS:   
[Here](http://taebyte.tumblr.com/) - for my main blog (taebyte)  
[Here](http://yunjaae.tumblr.com/) - for my YunJae side blog (yunjaee)  
Either's fine! I frequent both often.


	4. Chapter Four

I'm actually so nervous for this chapter for some reason! I'm really sorry it's so late, but I've been struggling with this one, and literally doing so many re-writes that it's been sending me a little insane... 

* * *

Shock blisters through him in a searing burn, whole body tensing up, paralyzed; breathing included. Caught up in the swirl of shocked delirium, his mind refuses to process what he’s just heard. It feels like the inside of his brain is spiralling out in frantic backflips, desperately trying to backtrack, and figure out just what he’d done to cause such a horrific outcome.

Grave? The word doesn’t sound right within his mind, and he stares at Yunho’s face, and finds no trace of the humour he so desperately wants to see within the hard lines of his face. He was serious. But that could only mean…

Terrified, his fingers shake, and then in turn lose their hold on the mug that had been gripped within his hand. Gravity takes over, pulling it down through the air in what seems like slow motion, until it meets its fate at the hands of the hard wood flooring. Coffee wrenches from the confines of the china, cascading from the rim right up until the collision, which ends in an explosion of dark liquid pearls cascading through the air alongside the sharp fragments that the mug had split into. He stares at the sight of it, a creeping sense of affinity crawling up on him, as his feels the same shattering splinter within his heart.

“Jaejoong!” Yunho exclaims, body jerking forward as the sound of the coffee cup crashing to the floor resonated throughout the room.

Unable to stop the impact, he draws back, face pinched in concern, and casts a searching look across Jaejoong’s face. Whatever he finds is enough to send him back into the throws of alarm, and he reaches forward once more, busy hands holding Jaejoong’s smaller frame.

“Hey, hey, hey!” He frets frantically, the realisation that Jaejoong’s stopped breathing dawning over him like an all-consuming wave of panic. “Jaejoong, come on, _breath_. Don’t do this to me.”

Shaking his head, Jaejoong pulls away hastily. His stomach rolls with urgency, a heavy queasiness flooding his lower intestine. The action has him all but shoving himself off the bed and stumbling across the room. He needs the bathroom - now.

“Jaejoong!” Yunho shouts behind him, following his movements, and rising from the bed also.

Jaejoong ignores him though, mind set on one thing.

It’s not hard to find. A quick glance around gives him ample sight of the open door leading to what looks like an en suite bathroom. He dives towards it, leaving the door banging angrily against the wall as he slams it fully open; all but falling at the foot of the toilet.

His stomach lurches, and he violently heaves, bringing up what, he doesn’t know. But what he _does_ know is that it _hurts_. The force of it makes his body _ache,_ with both the pain of throwing up so hard, and the anguish of what he’d been told. Tears dot his eyes, forced there by his current position hunched over the rim of the toilet. A slow seeping misery consumes him, thoughts clouded by the reality of being in a world where Yoochun no longer was.

However, a gentle pressure materialises on his back, cutting through the misery with swirling circles of comfort that ease the pain slightly. Even more welcoming is the hand holding back his hair, as he brings up another slew of whatever had been left in his digestive track. The caring nature of Yunho’s actions bring another wave of tears, ones that this time spring voluntarily to his eyes in such large pools that they roll down his cheeks in wet tracks.

At that point he draws himself away, sitting back on his knees, feeling utterly gross, and hoping now that his stomach is finally empty. He pushes the heels of his palms to his eyes, biting his lip as he feels the tug of arms pulling him back from behind. There’s no real force behind the action, and his body, as weak as it currently was, goes without a struggle. A warm, firm, chest meets him, and he rests limply against it, soaking up the reassuring words that whisper against the shell of his ear. The familiar resurgence of utter despair that he’d thought he was long over creeps back up on him.

Yoochun... Was dead? How could that even be possible? Jaejoong knows that he’s an emotional person, a person who was greatly in touch with how he was feeling at any moment in time. Someone who felt things immensely – whether they were good or bad. But how, how had _this_ happened?! Was it really because he’d made the call to stay with SM?

Even if it was true, why would Yoochun die as a result of that?

Another sob catches in his throat at the thought. He coughs while trying to hold it back, and a surge of tears breaks the banks of his eyes. In an attempt to hold them back, he screws his eyes shut tight, but it doesn’t help, and he pitches forward, hands clutching at the arms around him. His body feels tired, heavy from the touring he can only assume, and maybe from the lack of sleep from the flight. It all seems to catch up with him at once, and combined with his recent upchuck, he supposes it makes sense to suddenly feel so utterly spent.

He wants to leave this horrible future already and be done with it. Nothing can be worth the pain of losing Yoochun.

“Hey, hey, come on.” Yunho says, voice rumbling with a soft timbre that leaves Jaejoong shivering.

Jaejoong shakes his head, sniffling when he feels the feather light pressure of kisses being pressed against the skin of his neck. Trying to steal a little more comfort, he leans his head to the side, pushing his body around to try and lean more into Yunho’s embrace. He can _feel_ Yunho deflate at the action, and he immediately melts into something sympathetic, pulling Jaejoong into his arms for a hug that’s tight, and full of support. Jaejoong clings to it, shaking his head against Yunho’s shoulder as he fights the idea that it might be true; which the still desperate part of his mind screams that it can’t be.

“Hey, it’s alright.” Yunho coos to him gently as he shakes. “You’ve been away. It’s alright if you forgot, sometimes these things happen.”

Jaejoong blinks, frowning against his shoulder, but still leeching the comfort that the hand rubbing down his back is providing. Yunho thought that he was crying because he’d forgotten? He supposes it’s reasonable to think that way. He _had_ after all practically flown off the bed to run off and be sick the moment Yunho had told him. That, followed by the immediate after reaction of bursting into tears, was probably a raw enough response for him to have thought he’d forgotten more than anything else. It’s probably best to leave him thinking that too. It didn’t seem smart, nor would it serve any purpose, to try and offer up something more complicated.

Instead he stays silent, comfortably wrapped up in the warmth of Yunho’s arms, his tears continuing to train track their way down his face, while he desperately tries to work his brain around the mind fuck situation he’d now found himself in.

This particular train of thought lasts a good 10 minutes, with him eventually calming himself enough to piece together the bits of information Yunho had given him earlier. The bits that would hopefully help in trying to figure out just where he’d gone wrong this time.

Junsu. It all started with Junsu.

“I should- I should call Junsu, right?” He babbles, still struggling between the heavy urge to break down and sob, and the need to start making a move.

“You don’t have to right this minute.” Yunho tells him, drawing back with a soft smile, warm hands on his cheeks, wiping away stray tears with his thumb. “I think… You first need a glass of water, and then something to eat, preferably something light - _then_ you can call him.”

Jaejoong offers him a watery smile in return. That sounded as good a place as any to start.

Their kitchen is just as he would have designed it in his own home. Big, cosy, and sporting all the latest cooking equipment. It’s pretty clear that Yunho hasn’t had that much say in this part of the apartment, and it’s something that jerks a watery smile to his lips as he imagines him trying to help design the layout. He envisions that there had probably been a fair share of bickering between them. Yet, regardless of what had gone down, the outcome is beginning to make him feel the fuzzy, familiar, warmth of home, and it bleeds through his body. For the first time ever in these bizarre trips to the future, he’s actually feeling comfortable.

“So, what do you fancy?” Yunho asks casually over his shoulder, hands already busy gathering an assortment of ingredients from the fridge; it makes for a picture he can’t exactly say he’s used to.

“Yunho, you’re a terrible cook - shouldn’t I do it?” Jaejoong says teasingly, biting back a smile when he receives a sour look in return for his playful jibe.

“I think I can manage eggs with burning the place down Jaejoong.” Yunho shoots back, pouting as he returns to gathering plates for them.

He knows what he’s saying is true. His playful comment aside, he’s well aware that Yunho can handle himself in the kitchen when it came down to it. Had it been Junsu, then things would probably- No, _definitely_ , have been different. In fact, if it were Junsu, they wouldn’t have made it _this_ far.

“So, eggs then?” Yunho asks, the cutest pair of hopeful eyes watching him expectantly.

“Eggs are fine.” Jaejoong replies with a smile, and how can he not when Yunho’s looking at him like that?

He wonders just how cruel the universe can be, giving him his perfect future scenario on the back of something such heart-breaking.

 

Getting in touch with Junsu proves to be more difficult than he’d anticipated. For one, it takes fours call in total, and this is before Junsu even picks up. Jaejoong would have been more annoyed about it usually. But he’s currently in a state of post omelette delirium (who knew his man could cook so well), and happily cushioned in Yunho’s lap, so he’s too sated to actually mind.

“You get through yet?” Yunho asks him, hand sliding into his hair in a lazy manner.

“It’s ringing again.” Jaejoong tells him, listening to the sound of slow ringing tones drone against his ear.

“Mm, good.” Yunho replies, now sounding tired, his head leaning back against the back cushion of the sofa, hand still gently carding through Jaejoong’s hair.

Jaejoong glances up at him, curiosity peaked from the lethargic tone in his voice. He pouts his lips in a kissy face expression, which garners the softest of looks in return, and a throaty chuckle that has him melting under Yunho’s fond expression. A kiss graces his lips a moment later. One that’s light, barely ghosting his lips, before it’s gone. Yunho pulls back, and by instinct, Jaejoong finds himself reaching up to keep him hovering just above his face with a hand clamped to the back of his neck.

“If you’re tired, then you should go back to bed.” Jaejoong tells him, tone firm, despite the gentle circles he’s making with his fingers on the back of Yunho’s neck.

“No, it’s alright. I’ll wait until you’ve decided a time with Junsu. I’ll probably- No, I _should_ come with you.” Yunho says, titling his head to kiss him once more.

He tries not to linger on just how good Yunho is to him, knowing that he’ll only end up crying again if he does. It’s better to just to smile for him, and act like it’s completely normal for Yunho to be so in love with him.

“Ok.” He agrees, letting go of him, and shuffling a little, so as his head is better pillowed in his lap once more. “Just let me know if-”

“Hello? Jaejoong?”

Abruptly Jaejoong sits up, startling both Yunho, and himself, with his sudden reaction. He hadn’t expected to actually get through, given that Junsu’s phone had been ringing off to answer phone each time. But now to actually hear him, knowing what had happened, is pretty jarring.

“ _Junsu?_ ” He breathes, his throat forming a lump of emotion again as he wobbles around the name.

“Ah, sorry, I was driving before. Are you back in Korea?” Junsu asks, voice slightly clipped, and rather professional against his ears.

“No, it’s ok!” Jaejoong says quickly, feeling oddly nervous suddenly. “Yeah, I’m back… Ah, Yunho said you’d called...”

“Oh... Oh, yeah, I was wanting to know if you’d be back in time to go and see Yoochun... I thought you might have forgotten when I saw your schedule.” Junsu says, and Jaejoong can feel the awkwardness bleeding down the line as Junsu’s voice trails off quietly.

Why did it feel like that? He’d _never_ had such a strained conversation with Junsu before. Even after the tense discussions surrounding their immediate decisions after the split.

“No, no I definitely haven’t forgotten!” Jaejoong tells him firmly, confident that this future version of himself wouldn’t let something so important pass by without thought.

“Ah, that’s good… Okay, so do you want me to come and pick you up? We can stop by that florist just before the turning if you like. I know you’ll probably want buy some fresh flowers before we go in...” Junsu offers, voice trailing off again as he throws out the suggestion.

“Oh, erm...” Jaejoong stutters, turning to look back at Yunho indecisively. “Yunho was wanting to go too so-”

“That’s fine.” Junsu says quickly. “I can take you both. It would probably be easier than dragging two cars out.”

“Alright then.” Jaejoong agrees, sending a smile Yunho’s way. “When do you want to go?”

“Just give me an hour to get sorted.” Junsu says. “I’ll be there afterwards, so make sure you’re ready.”

“Ok. See you soon.”

The line goes dead, and Jaejoong draws back, and stares at the phone in shock.

Well, that was rude, and awfully unlike Junsu...

“Junsu cut you off again without saying goodbye?” Yunho asks, giving Jaejoong a lazy smile, one that feels tinged with sadness below the surface.

“How did you know?” Jaejoong asks him suspiciously, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

“Something I picked up on lately.” Yunho sighs. “He… He hasn’t really said “goodbye” to people since Yoochun passed.”

Jaejoong feels his heart pull at little at the words, and he dips his head back down again, eyes staring sadly at the end call screen.

 

Junsu shows up after an hour as promised. He’s quiet, all forced smiles and carrying an uncharacteristically sombre aura. It makes for an uncomfortable atmosphere to say the least. But Jaejoong makes an exception, choosing, for once, not to pass comment on it. He knows the blame for such an air must partly fall to their destination, and that, combined with the date, must make for the grim feeling. Just the thought of it is enough to start pulling at his own emotions, never mind Junsu, and Yunho, who have been dealing with this for far longer than him. With that in mind he steels himself to hold the building emotions at bay.

Still, discounting all else, Junsu looks well; other than perhaps the occasional grimace. He’s dressed surprisingly formal, looking as though he’d just wrapped up a photoshoot, and come straight to them without changing. It seems a little unlike him, a far cry from the guy who was known for just grabbing whole set pieces from a store manikin, and calling it his own.

“So, are you ready to go?” Junsu asks, face drawn into a stiff expression.

“Yeah.” Jaejoong replies bewilderedly, offering a strained smile as he takes the coat that Yunho’s holding out to him.

They walk down to Junsu’s car in silence, the awkward air from before following them like an elusive stalker, and not even Yunho offers to break the rigid feeling between the three of them. Which is odd. Jaejoong can’t figure it out. Yunho had been talking fine with him before, and it wasn’t like he’d been _forced_ to tag along. He himself had _wanted_ to come.

So why was it suddenly so weird between them?

Even Junsu, who normally seemed so oblivious to any awkward situation, suddenly seemed cautious, almost as though he was being careful of his own behaviour. It’s so… Jarring.

“So, did you want to stop by the flower shop?” Junsu murmurs quietly to him as they set off.  

“Oh, urm, yeah – I probably should.” Jaejoong replies quickly, avoiding eye contact with Junsu by turning his head towards the window and staring out at the grey clouds forming above.

“Alright.” Junsu says back, and once again, silence reins supreme.

To start up conversation with Yunho now would be awkward – at least that’s how Jaejoong’s beginning to feel. But the silence is suffocating, and Jaejoong’s mind drifts back to Yoochun, and he finds himself suddenly missing his easy-going nature.

His eyes blur with a thin film of tears. It still didn’t seem real to him that someone who had been such a constant throughout his late teens, and adult life could no longer be there. Yoochun had been there for every major milestone during his career, and every breakthrough leading up to it. So, it seemed almost cruel that he wasn’t here anymore. Heart aching, he drops his head against the window, and stares at the grey weather churring restlessly outside the car.

He picks out the brightest flowers from the store. Bright yellow roses, sunny compass flowers, burning orange and red marigolds, and then pairs them with soft pink carnations, and purple hyacinths. However, his eyes linger on two more flowers standing out in stark white among the colourful array of all of the other flowers. He debates it for a moment, standing there a little uselessly, arms already full to bursting with the other flowers.

But guilt gets the better of him, and he ends up adding in snowdrops, and asphodel’s to the mix anyway. It makes for… An _unusual_ combination, and it’s certainly pointed out to him at the counter as he pays for the rather large bundle. Even Yunho raises an eyebrow at him as the now wrapped arrangement is handed back to him.

“That’s… a _lot_ of flowers.” Junsu comments as they go back to the car, his eyebrows raised in shock, and eyes rolling across the assortment in awe. “You don’t normally take so many… Don’t you think it’s a waste?”

They’d been expensive, yes. But with guilt eating away at him tenfold. What can he do? He knows that they won’t make up for what’s happened – that being something that Jaejoong’s beginning to directly blame himself for. But, hopefully, wherever Yoochun is right now, they might bring a smile to his face.

“It’s fine.” Jaejoong tells himself firmly. “Yoochun… He likes- He _liked_ bright flowers.” He mutters, clutching the bouquet a little closer to his chest.

Junsu doesn’t answer him. But Jaejoong catches the tight grimace that pulls at his lips as he starts the engine back up again. The sight burns at him little, and Jaejoong decides to keep quiet once more, knowing that he must have said _something_ wrong to have set off such a reaction.

Thankfully, the silence doesn’t last all that much longer. The florist had only been a short distance from the cemetery, and Jaejoong feels tight sensation of knots begin to form in his stomach as he spots the sight of wrought iron gates growing closer. He finds himself tensing up unexpectedly, body closing in on itself as the dread of the situation rises.

He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to leave the car. He doesn’t want to see the sight of Yoochun’s grave.

But Yunho walks around to his side of the car and raps his knuckles against the window of the door, a reassuring smile pulled across his lips; strained, but still ever supportive. Jaejoong looks at him and takes a breath, one that leaves his lips with a shudder. He tries for a smile of his own, but he just _knows_ that it’s too forced from the sorrowful look that wrenches across Yunho’s face, and he ends up gripping the flowers in his lap tight enough to hear the paper wrapping them together crinkle within his grip.

Before he can open the door to tell Yunho that he just can’t do this, the door opens for him, and Yunho stands there with an outstretched hand, and hopeful expression.

“Come on.” Yunho says earnestly and stretches his hand out a little further to him. “We can do this. _You_ can do this.”

Unable to decline, he takes Yunho’s hand, and allows himself to be pulled from the car. He avoids the sheer power of Yunho’s gaze, tilting his head to the side, and instead catches a rather narrowed look from Junsu. He looks… Bitter? Oddly so, and Jaejoong for the life of him can’t figure out why. However, when Junsu realises that he’s been caught staring, he whips his head away pretty sharpish, gaze swinging offside to look at a memorial.

Ever puzzled by Junsu’s hostility, he turns to look back at Yunho imploringly, half wondering if he’d caught the exchange. But when he circles back to him he finds Yunho shooting an annoyed, slightly defensive, look in Junsu’s direction. It at least answers his question on whether or not he’d caught on. Yet, it also leaves him even more confused over just what had gone off.

“Let’s go.” Yunho mutters, taking his hand, and squashing himself close to his side in order to hide the action between their oversized jackets; a sudden throw back to when they’d been younger and attempting to be discreet.

Jaejoong moves right along with him, the pair of them catching up to Junsu in no time and following him up a winding pebbled path. He’d _thought_ the most emotion part was done with. Now knowing that Yoochun was gone, having been told, and then wrapping his mind wrap around that had to have been the worst part, right?

Yet, when he comes face to face with the headstone engraved with Yoochun’s name in carefully etched characters, something seems to break further; and not for the first time he wonders if it’s the last remaining shreds of his sanity, or the left-over fragments of his heart. As though his will to continue had been blown from his body by a passing breeze, he drops to his knees in front of the grave, flowers falling down with him and pooling at his knees like spilt milk.

He can’t say anything, and even if he could, he doubts the words would have made it past the solid lump in his throat that had taken up residence the moment Yoochun’s final resting place had come into sight. His shoulder hunch up, and he reaches out with one shaking hand to gently press his fingertips against the solid cold stone, slowly tracing his best friend’s name.

When had it been? The last time he’d seen Yoochun? It felt like a lifetime ago now. But in reality, was it only two days ago? He’d been alive then, obviously. Alive, and well. Perhaps a little ragged from lack of sleep, and long hours spent pouring over melodies, and lyrics. But he’d chuckled good naturedly when Jaejoong had answered the door with a fresh bed head, stumbling over that new rug he’d placed down to cover a rather large wine stain from that time when he’d been a little too enthusiastic while re-filling his empty glass. They’d talked until the early hours, both merry from drinking too much whiskey, and warm from basking in old memories, and good company. He’d left in good spirits, leaving Jaejoong with a warning to not sleep with the air conditioning on, and laughing when Jaejoong had pouted back at him with a complaint about being treated like a child even though he was older.

He wondered if they’d perhaps done the same in this life at some point.

“ _Why?_ ” He asks to no one in particular, pulling back his hand to cover his mouth as a harsh sob threatened to spill forth.

A presence moves behind him, and Jaejoong watches as Junsu reaches down, and collects up the flowers. He neatly arranges them in place at the grave with careful precision, righting the stems, and adjusting the heads. Once done, he kneels beside Jaejoong quietly for a moment, eyes staring straight ahead at the grave with a sombre expression.

“You should know why.” Junsu says, tone flat, and slightly accusing against Jaejoong’s ears. “I can’t believe you’re even asking.”

“What?” Jaejoong croaks, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion; somehow, he doesn’t quite like where this is going.

“No, it doesn’t matter. We shouldn’t go over old ground again.” Junsu sighs. “Forget that I said anything.”

“No.” Jaejoong says softly, still staring at him in shock. “You can say it.” He prompts tentatively.

Junsu frowns again, but this time it looks more thoughtful than angry. He seems to mull something over internally, maybe weighing up whether he should actually say it or not. But finally, he sighs, putting Jaejoong out of his misery.

“I’ve… I always blamed you a little.” Junsu admits, keeping his gaze fixed resolutely on the ground. “I know it seems harsh, and I know it wasn’t _all_ your fault. But, it’s hard not to trace it back to you sometimes.”

The admission hits him like a brick to his chest, and the cold bleed of pain that spreads through him is crippling. His breath leaves his lungs in a shuddering gasp, fingers automatically balling into fists tight enough to press crescent shaped cuts into his palms.

“I don’t-” Jaejoong starts to say, words sticking to his mouth like syrup.

“If you hadn’t said anything at that time... If you had just _listened_ to what we were saying.” Junsu stresses, his stony expression crumbling around the edges. “Maybe he might have, maybe things wouldn’t have turned out this, and he might have still been here.”

“Junsu.” Yunho suddenly says, his voice a steel knife edge, cutting off Junsu’s explanation as though he were slicing through butter.

It’s a warning. One that promises repercussions if Junsu doesn’t heed it. But Jaejoong just _knows_ he’ll never get any answers if he stays quiet; especially given that Junsu had looked to have gritted his teeth in an attempt to hold back any further comments.

“It’s ok.” Jaejoong says. “Let him say it Yunho.”

“Jae...” Yunho murmurs softly in disbelief.

“I want him to tell me.” Jaejoong adds when he catches Yunho gearing up to make a retort.

“Okay, sure. Go ahead. But I don’t want to hear it.” Yunho says, frowning at them both for a second before he glances away. “Dragging back all these bad feelings isn’t going to accomplish anything, and it won’t bring Yoochun back.”

“Maybe.” Junsu says slowly. “But it will make me feel better.” He quips.

Yunho’s lips pulls into a thin line and looks like he might say something in return for a moment. But before he can, Jaejoong shoots a look over his shoulder to him, eyes flaring wide, and mouth the word “don’t”. The result is Yunho rolling his eyes, and giving a particularly heavy sigh, before he walks off back down the path they’d taken.

“Wow.” Junsu marvels. “Never thought he’d actually cave like that. But there again you’ve always had a way of twisting his arm.”

“You make me sound like a manipulative wife.” Jaejoong laughs humourlessly.

“Aren’t you?” Junsu comments, dipping his head sharply when Jaejoong turns a hurt expression in his direction. “Sorry, that was... Unnecessary.”  He apologises, fingers rolling the hem of his jacket between finger and thumb.

Jaejoong pauses, grimacing at him for a moment, but decides not to comment on it.

“So, you were saying before?” He asks instead, eyes trailing away again.

“It comes back to Japan.” Junsu sighs, folding his arms over his knees. “He asked you, didn’t he? About leaving SM – I know he did; even if you won’t admit it.”

“He did.” Jaejoong confirms, and bites his lip in worry – was it meant to be a secret? “But surely that’s not-”

“It all stems for there.” Junsu cuts in, dropping his chin to his folded arms resting on his knees. “That was the point where everything started to fall apart. It was the catalyst for everything.” He says glumly. “He never said anything, because you told him to hang in there, thinking that it would get better. But SM just kept pushing, and he could only take so much before he came crashing down. That string of failed relationships, and the drinking problem – they were the signs. They were right there in front of us, and we didn’t do enough…”

Jaejoong stares dead ahead at the headstone before him, eyes prickling with tears as he imagines Yoochun crumbling under the weight of mounting pressure from the company. There’d been in a time in his life where he’d started to self-destruct, and he’d only made it through with the help of Junsu, Yoochun, and the support of his family. The thought that he hadn’t been doing the same for Yoochun is a low blow to him, one that makes him cringe within his skin.

“I don’t think the split helped either…” Junsu adds, his voice casual, but tired, and Jaejoong’s world tilts on its axis at the calm admission.

Split? The group had _split?_ Despite his best efforts to prevent just that, it had still happened? His heart sinks at the thought, and he stares down at the dirt with a crushed expression. He could only hope that things had at least ended with a little less turbulence this time – and hopefully, given that Yunho, and he, were still living together, it had been just that.

“It was tough. Everything was moving so fast, and we were climbing higher, and higher. Right up to such dizzying heights. They wanted more every time we had a comeback, expected that we could just keep giving them better results. It was too much, and we were slowly falling off the rails.” Junsu continues, his eyebrows pinching as he pauses, a troubling memory surfacing. “We told you we couldn’t keep up. But you just kept saying it over, and over again. That things would be ok, and we just had to keep holding on. But then it happened, SM just made the call. One moment we were all working towards the same goal, and then next we were scattered, SM deciding to split the group and send us off to do our own thing. Yoochun just couldn’t handle it.” Junsu continues, looking just as peeved as before when he’d first revealed his contempt.

“But that’s-” Jaejoong goes to argue, but Junsu whips his head back to him, eyes narrowed in anger.

“If you’d just seen it back then, if you’d not told him to wait it out, if you’d looked past your little bubble of happiness you were living in with Yunho, even just for a moment, and seen what was happening then- Well, maybe he’d still be here!” Junsu hisses, dropping his gaze again stubbornly. “But no. You just had to put your relationship first, right? Because God forbit we split, and you didn’t have the chance to continue your relationship with Yunho, right? We all know that Yunho would never leave after all. He’s a company man through and through. You knew that. So you told Yoochun to give it up.”

Jaejoong’s mouth drops open, and he stares at Junsu in stupefied horror. He suddenly remembers the look of betrayal on Junsu’s face the last time he’d been in the past. That rather nasty look he’d shot at him after Yoochun had gone over to speak to him. He’d suspected before that Yoochun had relayed Jaejoong’s decision to pull out from leaving SM. But he supposes that this just confirms it for sure.

“So yeah, I suppose I’ve always felt that it was partly your fault. Because from that point on, things were never the same, and I know that if we had gone, if _you_ have of agreed to go, that things would have turned out different.” Junsu says, all while having a one-sided staring match with the pebbled ground below.

Jaejoong knows it’s the truth. He _knows_ that if he’d have given the go ahead, and thrown in with Yoochun, and Junsu, that things would have gone differently. Hell, he’d _lived_ through one of the many options that that decision led to – and he’d _seen_ quite a few more.

But this right here had to be the worst of all of them, far beyond the pain of the split, and the torment that had followed.

Guilt washes over him once more, combined with the hurt of Junsu accusations.

“I-I’m _sorry_.” He chokes, teeth biting into his lip to stop himself from sobbing. “I’m _so_ sorry! I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Junsu doesn’t say anything in return, and Jaejoong feels the burn of shame wash over him, a sudden onslaught of self hatred that churns through the grief with a fiery intensity.

Forcing back the lump in his throat, he gets up from the ground, casting his eyes to Yoochun’s grave and burns the image into his mind, and runs. He traces back the steps that Yunho had took, racing down the pebble dash path, and feeling his shoes slip and slide against them. He stumbles, and nearly falls face first to the ground more than a couple of times, faintly wondering if it was merely adrenaline that was keeping him upright at this point.

He finds Yunho at the end of the path, half turned towards him, eyes alight with concern, and stops.

“Hey, are you alright?” Yunho asks, holding an arm out to him.

He’s not, he’s really not, and it must show, because Yunho sighs and shakes his head at him, lifting his arm a little higher in a come-hither gesture. Jaejoong follows the instruction, but as he flies forward, he doesn’t take his hand, but rather leaps into his arms, and sobs.

“Can we go now? I just want to go home!” He wails, unable to tell if he meant back to his own timeline, or back to the cosy home that Yunho and he had built here.

Either had to be better than the silent sight of Yoochun’s grave serving as a constant reminder of his mistakes.

Yunho never questioned it though, not when he’d calmed down enough to form proper sentences beyond the broken words he’d sobbed out before, nor when Junsu had come traipsing back to them in slow, meek, steps. He looks a little sheepish, but, he too doesn’t say anything – at least not to Jaejoong. He simply mutters something about dropping them back home and unlocks the car.

There’s not much to say when they roll up back home either, and Jaejoong doesn’t even try to make conversation. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything left to say between them. He knows how Junsu feels, and he’s pretty sure that Junsu knows he doesn’t have anything to say back to him in defence. After all it’s not like he can tell him the real truth.

Which means that they part in silence, with Yunho muttering something about meeting up when Changmin got back. Junsu doesn’t make comment on it, but he does offer a subtle noise of agreement, and a stiff nod that looks ridiculously forced.

Then he’s gone, speeding off from the side of the road like a bullet train. Jaejoong makes a point of watching him until his car darts off around the corner, and once he’s disappeared completely, he lets Yunho lead him away, discreetly placing a hand at his arm.

“Come on, let’s go and take a nap.” Yunho suggests quietly, and Jaejoong can only just managed to nod his head in slow agreement.

-X-

Soft waves of vanilla rouse him from sleep. It smells so good, and he stretches out, rolling onto his stomach, and pushing himself back into the welcoming puffiness of the pillow. His mind feels a mess, and the last thing he wants to do right now is properly wake up and face whatever drama is lying in wait for him in this world.

He cushions the pillow beneath his chin, eyes half mast, and staring at nothing in particular as he thinks back to Junsu’s accusing words from before. Suddenly he doesn’t dare move, terrified of what damage he might cause if he does. There’s one thing for certain, he doesn’t _ever_ want to make that big of a mistake again.

He wonders if he can get away with just dosing peacefully in this world until the universe decides to move him onto the next shit storm…

Relegated to doing just that, he lets his eyelids start to close again, heavy with the desire for sleep. Or, at least, he goes to just that. But a loud bang of a door clanging against hard wall reverberates, jerking him from any kind of sleep that might have been pulling at him. He bolts upright in alarm, eyes landing on the prim and proper form of his fourth eldest adopted sister, Sookjin. She’s stood in the doorway, hands on her hips, wearing the most flattering of pretty dresses, her hair piled on top of her head in tight looking rollers, with an equally tight frown on her face. She looks in the midst of getting ready for something, and apparently, judging from her tone at least, his sleep had somehow interrupted that.

He’s in trouble – clearly.

“Kim Jaejoong!” She states, voice pitched in stern disapproval. “Would you care to tell me _why_ you’re still in bed at this hour?”

Well no, he really wouldn’t – is what he’d like to reply. However, he knows from experience that that kind of sassiness never went down particularly well; not with _any_ of his eight sisters. Which is why he keeps his mouth shut, and instead goes for a pouty puppy dog look, hoping that it might bring out the softer side of Sookjin, and possibly garner him some extra sleep.

He’d forgotten that the universe was conspiring against him though.

“Don’t you give me that look!” Sookjin scolds, wagging her finger at him in a very disapproving mother manner. “How could you sleep in on your wedding day!?” She asks, sounding utterly horrified – about as much as Jaejoong does as he realises just what she’d said.

His… Wedding day?

His mouth drops open at the words, mind reaching back as far as can, digging into the recesses of his memories to dreg up a catalogue of people who he could possibly be marrying. Maybe his ex-girlfriend from eons ago – the one from _way_ back before he’d even entered SM. Or maybe a girl from his _very_ small pool of female friends?

His mental catalogue closes abruptly, however, when he remembers that this might not even be within the realms of his timeline, and stops himself short. Was this just another alternate reality again? If so, then it could be any girl up on the chopping block, depending on how he’d lived his life this time round.

“ _Please let them at least be someone I’m familiar with._ ” He prays internally, rolling his head back to stare up at the ceiling.

“Come on already Jaejoong!” Sookjin calls again loudly from the other room. “Don’t make me shower you myself – because I will!”

Threat in place, Jaejoong drags himself from the bed, eyes spying what looks to be a bathroom off to the side.

“And hurry up, the others will be round in half an hour!”

Dully noted, he showers himself quickly, rinsing away the last dregs of sleep still clinging to him, and wrapping himself in the fluffiest of towels he can find once he’s done. He feels a hell of a lot fresher, than when he’d woken up, and clarity returns to him in a steamy rush, his mind finally able to focus enough to eye the bottle of body wash he’d used. Something about it seems familiar, but he can’t quite put his finger on it.

Deciding to leave it alone, he wanders back into the bedroom, and finds his sister dusting down a regal looking suit frantically with a lint roll clutched tightly within her hand. He admires it for a moment, rubbing a towel slowly through his hair. It’s definitely something he would have picked himself for a special occasion. Black suit trousers, a matching black dress shirt with white decorative trimming around the collar, and finally, to compliment the whole thing, [a charcoal grey tweed jacket](http://www.kpopeurope.eu/wp-content/uploads/20130124_jaejoong_japan.jpg).

“Nice isn’t it?” Sookjin asks smugly, smirking over her should when Jaejoong blinks in surprise. “I wasn’t so sure when you sent me the pictures. But, I’ll admit, it looks like you’ve still got taste.”

Jaejoong scoffs at that, launching the towel he’d been using to dry off his hair at her, and grinning when she squeals; a complaint about ruining her hair falling from her lips.

“I swear to God Jaejoong, if my hairs even a hair out of pla-”

“ _Jaejoong!_ ”

Sookjin pauses her rant abruptly, eyes widening as the voice echoes, followed by a stampede of footfalls.

“Ah, the circus has finally arrived.” Sookjin states, turning in time to see the rest of Jaejoong’s sisters appear in the doorway like a cluster of excited school girls.

“Why are you not ready?!”

“There’s only two hours left before we need to go!”

“Sookjin’s already here?”

“Where’s your suit?”

“You’ve only _just_ showered?!”

Jaejoong exchanges a grim look with Sookjin briefly.

His sisters, while they meant well, are not much help. They prim, and pester him, offering complaints, and not many compliments until he does things their way. Hands fuss with hair, his clothes, and makeup, busily making alterations to the point where Jaejoong can’t even tell the difference between one change and the next.

Which leads him to, in the end, kick them out of the bedroom altogether, declaring that he’ll dress himself it takes a couple of attempts to do so, but they eventually leave him with matching sulky looks, huffing at him to hurry as they politely close the door behind them. He rolls his eyes, turning back to the mirror, and staring at his reflection in contemplation. He could do this, it was just a matter of following what his stylists usually did. He could that. After all, he often did his own makeup before leaving his apartment.

He decides on a simple look, after a cursory glance at the pallets available. Eyeliner, and a soft dusting of eyeshadow – just to cover the subtle shadows of sleep under his eyes. He leaves his hair in the style his sisters had gone for. Soft brown locks parted at the side, and ruffled into stylish, semi bedhead, look that he somehow manages to pull off with ease. So much so, that he catches himself staring at himself in the mirror for a moment, thoroughly assessing the look for a final time before he heads to the door while hooking his arms through the sleeves of the jacket as he goes.

His sisters greet him in a bubble of chatter as he steps through the door, turning him round, and round, with busy hands, and judging his handywork with critical eyes. It’s all for nothing through, because they end up gushing in the end, pressing their hands together in delight, and expressing their utter joy for him. A smile pushes its way to his face automatically, and for a brief moment he finds himself completely forgetting about everything else, simply content to stand and celebrate with his sisters for a while as they bring out small containers of food, and ample cups of peach blossom tea.

The soft chime of the doorbell stops the festivities short, however, and one of Jaejoong’s sisters quickly volunteers to go and answer it.

“It’s probably the flowers!” She calls over her shoulder, dress spiralling out around her as he turns.

“Flowers? You ordered _more!_ ” Sookjin calls to her, moving to follow her out in a rush of motion.

Jaejoong laughs at the pair of them, while his youngest older sister pins a small boutonnière to his jacket.

“Oh, Jaejoong! It’s Yoochun!” His sister yells from the other room.

Jaejoong freezes in place, his smile dropping from his face, a wide-eyed look of shock swinging in place instead. He turns away quickly, his sister squeaking as the flower she’d been fixing in place ends up being ripped from the fabric of his jacket. He ignores it though, rushing through the living room, and coming to an abrupt halt as he stares at their visitor conversing with his sisters.

Yoochun looks up, as dashing as ever suited and booted in fitting formal attire, and grins broadly at him when their eyes meet from across the room. Something warm bubbles inside him, rushing up to his eyes, and spilling over in the form of tears as he takes in the sight of his friend standing there with a smile as wide as the pacific.

He doesn’t even think about it, there’s no time, before his legs start moving forwards without having to be told. Arms open wide, engulfing Yoochun as soon as they meet, and he sobs into his shoulder like a lost child reunited with their parent. A hand brushes against his hair, carding through the strands soothingly, and a warm voice rumbles words of comfort against his ear.

Jaejoong lets it soak in, revelling in the feeling of Yoochun’s warmth, his presence, his every breath that signalled that he was alive, and that this time, Jaejoong’s meddling hadn’t inadvertently caused his death.

“What’s all this about, huh?” Yoochun chuckles, folding his arms tighter around him, gently rocking them both back and forth.

“Its pre-marriage nerves is what it is!” One of his sister coos, sounding moved from such a sudden display of affection.

“Well, not that I’m not utterly touched, and all. But I think you’re meant to cry when you see Yunho, not me!” Yoochun laughs.

Jaejoong immediately pulls back from him, eyes still watery, and rounded with shock.

“Yunho?” He whispers breathlessly.

 

The church is like something from a fairy-tale. Jaejoong recognises it immediately as one of the churches he’d driven past many times before within the heart of Seoul. But he’s never once thought he’d ever marry there in a million years. Mainly, because he’d never thought he really would ever marry – despite having fantasied about it before.

He arrives with his sisters, and Yoochun, all of them having piled into a white limousine, with the idea being that they would meet everyone else there. Jaejoong had apparently wanted it that way and had planned it all down to the last detail. Down to the last detail is how it seems plays out too, as when Jaejoong opens the door to get out, he sees his mother standing at the tops of the steps, her hand held up high waving to them. She’s not alone either, around her are a smattering of children, all dressed up in matching pretty dresses, or miniature suits. They too seem excited to see them arrive, and when Jaejoong moves closer he realises that the children are in fact his nieces, and nephews.

“Aren’t they just the sweetest!” His mother says, adjusting the flower crown settled neatly atop the head of one of his nieces.

“Yes, and a nightmare trying to keep them clear until the ceremony is over!” One of his sisters comments, reaching to hold back her son from running off into the grass.

Jaejoong chuckles, leaning down to greet the children, who are suddenly fascinated with him.

“Uncle Jae looks like a prince!” One of his nieces exclaims, her eyes wide as she reaches up to pet his hair.

“No way!” Another cries, and pouts. “Uncle Yunho’s the prince!” She argues.

“Oh? So, you’ve seen him already?” Jaejoong asks, grinning as the two turn to him with matching smiles, a flutter of nerves flaring as he thinks of Yunho stood at the end of the isle.

“Yeah!” His nieces chorus, jumping up and down as they point towards the doors of the church. “He looked _really_ scared!”

“Hah, second thoughts is what it is.” Yoochun says as he comes over to them. “But I suppose I’ll get to see for myself now.” He adds, clapping a hand on Jaejoong’s shoulder. “Good luck.”

With that Yoochun disappears inside, offering a cheery wave over his should as he goes. Jaejoong feels like he really will need the luck too, as a few moments after he hears the music begin to play, and he erupts into nerves again as he watches his sisters gather up the children into their places within an organised line ready to go in.

His mother moves beside him, and Jaejoong tenderly hold his arm out to her, and she takes it, looping her hand through to hold. She smiles at him so tenderly, and Jaejoong sees the beginnings of tears form within her eyes, and by pure instinct he reaches across brush them away as they try to escape.

“Oh, I’m so _proud_ of you!” She coos, voice lowered to a hushed whisper. “Yunho’s a fine man, I’m sure you’re going to be _so_ happy together.”

Jaejoong smiles right back at her, reaching to squeeze her hand within his own. He’s sure she’s right, he _knows_ she’s right.

He’d been somewhat shatter shocked earlier by the revelation that it was Yunho that he’s marrying. They’d talked about it before, frequently actually, during their late nights cuddled up together in bed after a steamy round of copulating. He’d wanted to run away after the high of their career was over and marry in secret. The amount of times he’d fantasised about it was probably laughable. But Yunho had indulged him often back then, chuckling against the top of his head, and giving occasional drops of input, or asking the odd question here and there.

Of course, he’d known it could never actually happen. At least, not unless they wanted a mass media witch hunt, the hatred of both their families, and the disapproval of a large portion of their fanbase to rain down upon them. It was a sad, but rather real, reality due to the view around homosexuality in their country.

However, it seemed that here, in this universe, things were far different.

“Oh! Quick, I think it’s starting!” Jaejoong hears his mother call. “Where’s Yoochun? Has he already gone in to stand with the other best men?”

His sisters start to flutter about, checking that everything was perfect for a final time, arranging both themselves, and the children, adjusting dresses, suits, and hair to ensure they were picture perfect again. They are of course, and Jaejoong tells them so, just as the haunting music of the ‘ _Wedding March_ ' sounds from beyond the door of the church, and tell-tale sounds of people getting to their feet echoes shortly after.

He takes a deep breath, his mother stroking her thumb against the back of his hand comfortingly, sending him the softest of reassuring looks as his sister begin to pile in through the doors.

The doors swing back, opened from the other side by two suited and booted men who smile as the lines begins to move. He can barely breathe, nerves sending his stomach all a flutter as he looks around at the many familiar faces filling up the pews. It’s even more surreal to see them all so happy, some even wiping away stray tears as they pass.

But the real wonder, the one that brings a misty film of tears welling to his eyes, is the sight of Yunho, stood tall, and handsome at the end of the aisle, with a mystified look of disbelief slapped across his face. He’s dressed in the most fitting of suits; one that makes him look ever the rich business man, and yet still the most fetching of men that Jaejoong’s ever had the pleasure of laying his eyes on. They’d even seen to have gone for matching suites, with Yunho wearing the same colour scheme as him – something that makes his heart leap a little in glee.

He tries to smile at him, even though the he can feel the first of many tears begin to trickle down his face; and he can only hope that the make-up he’s applied that morning was water proof to the max. But Yunho melts into a smile too, practically beaming at him by the time Jaejoong’s walking up to the steps to meet him. He reaches for his hands eager to bring him up next to him, but Jaejoong turns back to his mother first, planting a kiss to her cheeks, and whispering a soft “thank you”, before she departs to stand beside his father in the pews closet to them; and he makes sure he smiles to him too.

Yunho waits through the exchange, dipping his head to Jaejoong’s parents politely, before Jaejoong takes his hand, moving to stand beside him proudly. He spots Changmin, Yoochun, and Junsu standing just off to the side of them, Yunho’s sister’s husband with them. They each give him a cheeky smile, along with a quick round of thumbs up. It’s a sweet gesture, one that has him hiding a bubble of laughter behind his hand; ignoring the fluttering sounds of camera shutters going off somewhere to his left.

“You look ethereal; as always.” Yunho whispers to him, his voice a soft breath, as though amazed.

Jaejoong dips his head, unable to bite back the smile that surfaces in reaction to the words. An action that earns him a grin, and Jaejoong takes a sneaky glance up at him.

“You don’t look too bad yourself.” He jokes good-naturedly, delighting in the throaty chuckle he gets in return. “Handsome as ever.” He adds, and it’s the truth.

Yunho always did look simply dashing in a suit; and even better when he was stood at the end of the aisle waiting to marry him. Yet that thought sends a trickle of sadness surging through him, and he suddenly can’t help but feel a little disheartened, knowing that this would never be something he’d be able to experience back in his own world.

He wonders if the sadness behind the thought shows, as Yunho lifts his chin with a gentle hand, and offers a carefully concealed look of concern.

“You ok?” Yunho asks, a worried look glossing across his features. “Not having second thoughts, are you?”

Jaejoong gapes at him in shock, eyes blinking quickly as he takes the question in. How could Yunho even ask that? This was like walking into his perfect future, one he’d always dreamt about! Surrounded by their friends, and family (who were actually seemingly happy for them), and actually being able to marry each other without the fear of rejection.

How could he ever have second thoughts about that?

“No.” He whispers gently, slowly pressing his forehead to Yunho’s, as the priest steps forward to begin the ceremony. “Never.”

The words are all lost between the shock, and endless stream of overwhelming thoughts that rush through his head at every opportunity. He’s not even sure how he’d made it through the vows, and he’s pretty sure he’d messed up at several points. But if he had, no one comments on it, which leads him to believe that he couldn’t have messed it up all that bad – especially considering that Yunho manages to hold his gaze for the entire time with a tender smile gracing those ever-kissable lips.

“Now, if we could have the rings.” Their vicar says, and all eyes turn to Changmin, who fumbles for the briefest of moments, before stepping forward, and offering up the rings to the vicar.

Jaejoong smiles to their youngest, mouthing a quick “thank you” to him as he takes his place beside Junsu, and Yoochun once more.

Eyes then fall to the rings in question, and his chest tightens as he makes a sudden realisation. The rings looked eerily familiar to the same Cartier brand that countless fans had linked them together by in the past. In particular they look exactly like the [Cartier Wedding Rings](http://oyunjae.tumblr.com/post/169571166822/ohhh-new-secret-love-ring-from-cartier-love-it) that Yunho had brought for them a _long_ time ago. They’d been a rather expensive, and spontaneous gift, one that had been accompanied by dinner out to a fancy restaurant, and a slow walk along the Han River afterwards. It was a memory that Jaejoong always cherished dearly, and to think that now he was being reminded about it in such a way, by a ring that he knew himself to still possess. Well, it sure was an emotional kick back alright. So much so that he has to tip his head back just a little, and blink away another fresh wave of tears that threaten to ruin his makeup just that little bit more.

When he dips his head back however, he notices Yunho watching him with a cheeky smile, and a knowing look that says that he’d expected the shocked expression on his face.

“I could tell that you preferred this set.” Yunho laughs, leaning his forehead against his. “So, I went back and exchanged the ones we picked out before.”

Jaejoong laughs with him, but it’s far more chocked from the tears that have now burst the banks of his eyes, and he quickly moves a hand to his mouth to hide his giggles; a habit he can’t seem to break even now. Their audience behind seems amused to, and Jaejoong can hear the sound of resounding soft chuckling echo about the church; a quieter chorus of endearment mingling its way in.  

He’s not entirely sure how he makes it through the rest of the ceremony without completely breaking down, nor is he sure how he manged to keep things PG13 when they’d finally been allowed to seal the marriage through a single kiss. Things get just a little bit heated, but Yunho pulls away from him just before it goes any further and give him such a look of adoration that Jaejoong thinks he might just melt into a puddle of goo right there and then.

 

In truth he doesn’t really remember much of the after ceremony.

There had been a lot of dancing, speeches, and people coming up to both Yunho, and him to offer their congratulations. It’s exhausting talking to so many people at once, and it’s hard to let himself be at ease with the gaze of so many people’s eyes on them. Before he’d had to train himself to be careful with his actions concerning Yunho, never allowing himself to be too open with his affections while they were outside the comfort of the dorms. Of course, he hadn’t always been perfect, and every now and then he’d let a little too much seep through. Which of course would be met with Yunho’s careful reminders, the bemused looks of his members, the prejudice gazes of their managers.

Which is why it’s hard to let go completely, and just allow himself to enjoy the moment. He figures Yunho must notice, and if he does, he doesn’t say anything regarding it. He simply seems to keep a steady hand at the small of his back, occasionally brushing reassuring movements into the fabric of his jacket – which is wonderful of him, and certainly keeps him grounded for the remainder of the reception. Especially when Yoochun stands up to make his speech, face filled with a mischievous, and slightly sly smile, that Jaejoong hadn’t realised how much he’d missed until his heart clenches painfully at the sight of it, and he has to take a slightly stuttered breath.

He manages to regale tales of their youth with the reminiscent, faraway, air of a dying man retelling age-old tales on his deathbed. From it Jaejoong discovers that he’s apparently a wedding planner; something that Yoochun certainly doesn’t miss the chance to play off on, dropping in witty jokes about him finally being centre stage of a wedding he’d planned for once. He also finds that Yunho and himself had known each other for a long time, being best friends back in the day, and that Yunho had come to him in regards to planning a wedding for himself and his girlfriend. However, instead of marrying her, he’d eventually fallen in love with Jaejoong, after a series of events that Yoochun hadn’t quite delved deep enough into for Jaejoong to figure out. The tale surprises Jaejoong, leaving him a little shocked to say the least, but everyone around them had seemed to be utterly smitten with the happy ending, and he catches his sisters sneaking cheeky looks his way throughout the speech.

Yoochun had ended on a happy note though, one full of sincerity, as he’d made a toast to them, lifting his glass up with such a genuine look of happiness that Jaejoong feels a lump of emotion form in his throat as he pictures Junsu knelt beside him in front of Yoochun’s grave.

He’s rather glad by the time Yunho takes his hand, and the announcement’s made that they’re leaving for the night. Once more they’re led out by a procession, and a white limousine awaits them just outside the reception hall. There’s a driver waiting with a door already open for them, and Yunho seems to know him from the way he thanks him for coming out at such a late hour to pick them up, followed by a comment about making sure he gets a good bonus at the end of the financial year. He wants to question that one, but from the overly cheerful look he gets from the driver, he assumes he must already know him too, and decides to simply smile back and keep his mouth shut as he clambers in.

“So where are we going now?” He asks Yunho, stomach brimming with excitement as he catches Yunho smirking.

“Oh, you’ll see.” Yunho tells him and taps his nose quickly. “It’s a surprise.”

If he’s honest, he doesn’t think that he could be any more surprised than he already is. But he finds himself wrong again – obviously. They’re taken to what looks to be the heart of Seoul, bright flashing lights zipping past them in a blur, and the limo pulls up beside a tall building that’s aglow with the height of luxury – and one that Jaejoong doesn’t quite recognise as he steps out from the limo.

He furrows his brow, trying in vain to place it, but ultimately isn’t able to. Yunho mistakes the look with a laugh, taking his hand, and leading him towards the front desk with a smile.  
“Don’t look so surprised!” He smiles. “I made reservations a while back after you gave me permission to sort out our plans for after the reception. I knew you’d been wanting to stay here for some time. So, I figured that now was a best a time than ever.” He explains. “Of course, this is just to tide us over until tomorrow. Because tomorrow, we’re off to Jeju Island!”

“Y-you planned all this for me?” Jaejoong asks as they step into the reception, and he realises just how pricey the place must have been to book.

He’s been to more than a few hotels in his time. What with being a K-Pop star, and all; it kind of came with the territory. So, he’s more than well versed in hotels, and this one definitely fell within the 5-stars region. Not only that, but it was reaching for the top end of the 5-star scale.

He’s not wrong, their room is _huge_ , with sweeping floor to ceiling windows lining the font facing wall, and the biggest bed Jaejoong’s seen grace a hotel room. It’s obviously a honeymoon suite, kitted out for couples – what with the rose petals scattered about the top of the covers, and decorated heart shaped scatter pillows. He faintly wonders if he checks the top drawer of the bedside cabinet if he’ll find a pack of condoms, and a strawberry flavoured bottle of lube.

His thoughts of exploration are cut short however, when arms wind around him before he can make for it, and he sinks back into them by instinct, sighing contentedly as he stares out beyond the windows at the twinkling lights of the city. He dares himself for a moment to be happy.

“So? What do you think?” Yunho asks him, lips finding their way to the skin of his neck, and lightly kissing him. “Have I done you proud?”

“You always make me proud.” Jaejoong replies, without missing a beat, and he means it without a shadow of a doubt. “But, to answer your question, yes - it’s amazing.” He adds, realising that Yunho’s looking for a compliment, not Jaejoong’s guiltily admission of words that he should have said more to his other self in another universe.

“Good.” Yunho says, squeezing him a little tighter. “Then, may I have the honour of taking my husband to bed?”

“Always.” Jaejoong laughs, turning in his arms to stare up at him before planting a kiss to his lips.

He cries when Yunho makes love to him. It’s messy, and he feels a little silly for it. He shouldn’t be crying on what was supposed to be the happiness moments of his life. But it’s not his life, and that’s the problem. It’s the life he’d once dreamed of, and spent many an hour detailing out with Yunho while they’d been locked up behind the thin veil of privacy that the dorms could offer them. This was literally the life he’d been longing for ever since the early beginnings of their relationship back in 2005.

So, he cries, and sobs heartfelt admissions of love into the crook of Yunho’s neck, all while willing away the beginnings of guilt towards his Yunho back in the tightly locked boxes of memories that start to eat away at him. He’s not cheating on him, but it still feels weird somehow, and by the time it’s over with he finds himself spent, and tangled within the mess of all kinds of emotions that are hard to place.

Which is why he leaves Yunho in bed, the other man seemingly tired, both from the busy day they’d just been through, and probably more so from the three rounded of heated sex they’d just had. He’d been zoning between consciousness, and Jaejoong had swept a hand through his hair, placing a kiss against his temple before he’d slid out of bed, grabbing the nearest article of clothing to him, and moving off towards the balcony.

The airs cool against his skin, and goose bumps prickle at him in protest to him being out there. But he needs it right now and wraps his arms around himself in a not so successful bid to will them away.

It feels all so very unfair. Giving him a glimpse of something he could never had, and he curses whatever being was putting him through all of this. What for end, he can’t help but wonder. Just what was it that he was supposed to learn, or realise, or _do_ exactly? Nothing was becoming clearer, and if anything, each new reality he visited, the lines just felt as though they were becoming more, and more, blurry before him. The only thing he could imagine was that it was all some kind of punishment – one very sick recurring punishment designed to show him every heart-breaking route that he life could have taken.

But it seemed that now he was seeing the most heart-breaking of them all. A life that he could never, would never, and will never experience.

-X-

He doesn’t open his eyes. He doesn’t want to open them and find himself a victim of the past once more. Instead he curls up on himself, pulling the star patterned duvet over his head, and willing himself back to sleep, and when that doesn’t happen he cries.

He’s not even sure what he’s crying about at this point. The yearning to wake up again back in the reality where he was allowed to love, and to marry, Yunho? Or perhaps the idea that there’s a world that exists where Yoochun was dead, and the blame seemed to rest at his feet? Or even just pure frustration over being stuck back in the past once more, waking up to once again relive the same damn day that had started this whole mess.

He settles on a combination of all three, body shaking, and heaving. The fear of waking Yoochun suddenly nags at him though, and he pulls himself from the confines of his sheets, wandering out into the living room slowly, and over towards the kitchen. Leaning against the worktop, hunching right over, he tries to compose himself, and screws his eyes up tight.

God, he just _really_ wants to go back to his own reality already. He can’t take another one of these weird time trips back to the past – can’t bear to go through this day again playing happy family with a company that he felt had driven him to split from two of the most amazing people he’d ever had the fortune to meet.

Not only that, but now it seemed like every decision he made, each action he took that wavered from his original path sent him spiralling off into a completely altered future.

What if he caused Junsu’s death this time? Or Changmin’s? Or Yunho’s? He doesn’t want to have to go grave visiting again. He doesn’t want to have to hear another one of the members place the fault at his feet, or have to face the cold flame of anger brewing in their eyes. He just can’t go through with it again.

Caught within the snag of his own anger towards the situation, he jerks his arm out to the side, watching as a stack of plates balanced awkwardly on the counter go sliding off to the side before skidding off the surface, and plummet to the floor with a sharp crash. Fascinated, he stares as they break, shards scattering across the floor in an explosion of broken china.

Its loud, and it only naturally brings his members running. It doesn’t take long for them to arrive, and stand before him, bed rumpled, and only half-awake staring at him blearily.

“Jaejoong?” Yunho asks, blinking furiously as he fights the groggy feeling of sleep from his system. “What happened?”

Jaejoong continues to stare at the mess he’d made, eyes zoning out as he loses himself in thought again. Perhaps there _was_ a way to avoid this today. He just had to make it so he wasn’t around to experience it, right?

“Jaejoong!” Yunho snaps at him again, a frown now marring his handsome features, tone sharp, and ringing with that honourable leader authority that Jaejoong had once resented being aimed at him.

“Sorry…” Jaejoong replies slowly, bringing his head up to look at him finally. “Hand slipped.” He offers, shrugging his shoulders rather nonchalantly.

Yunho huffs at him, obviously irritated that he’s being less than forthcoming, and the others must sense the signs of an impending argument, because Junsu scuttles forward towards the scattering of china.

“It’s ok!” Their resident sunshine announces quickly. “We can get it cleared up in no time, right Jaejoong?” Junsu goes on to say, lifting his head up to look at Jaejoong for confirmation, a small pile of china shards already gathered within his hands.

“Don’t bother…” Jaejoong tells him slowly, already walking back towards Yoochun’s, and his, shared bedroom with a heavy sigh. “Everything will be back to the way it was again by the next today.”

His words cause a stir within the group, and even with freshly awakened minds, he clearly isn’t making much sense to them. Which is likely why Yunho follows him swiftly into the room as he starts to change himself into casual pair of dark jeans, and a simple t-shirt he’d found lying at the base of his bed. He assumes they’re his, and if not then it hardly mattered either – he’d been a serial clothes thief back in the day, and they say that old habits die hard.

“What are you talking about?” Yunho asks him, sounding equally as puzzled as Jaejoong currently feels. “Where the hell are you going? It’s 4am! Our manager will be here in an hour!”

“Good.” Jaejoong replies, snatching a jacket from the back of the door. “Then hopefully I’ll be long gone before he gets here.”

“Gone? You can’t go!” Yunho yells after him, seemingly astonished that Jaejoong would even consider walking out on them at such a time.

But Jaejoong aims to prove people wrong, and prove him wrong he does as he matches towards the door to collect his shoes, and leave. He hears Yunho make a distressed noise behind him, and Changmin confirms that he is indeed leaving with a rather dry remark stating the obvious. He hears a kafuffle of noise sound from behind him at the statement, and Yunho issues a command to someone to grab a jacket.

Jaejoong’s already off though, walking straight out the door, and down the stairs towards the main foyer. He can’t be here when their manager arrives. He doesn’t want to be there to be ferried off to their schedules and sit through another round of boring interviews, and radio appearances that he already knows all the answers to. No, this time the plan was to avoid it all completely. To wipe himself clean of the memory of today, and just not live it at all. Perhaps that had been where he’d been going wrong. Maybe the universe was trying to deliver him some kind of spiritual message about having to walk away from his bad experiences, and create a new, better, experience in its place.

Which he’s totally down for, and is the exact reason why he marches straight for the automatic sliding door leading out of the building into the busy main street. It’s still a little dark out, and the sun is still making its gradual climb in the sky, with most tall buildings still having that height edge, and therefore doing a grand job of blocking it out of view. This means that visibility is low, and cars rushing by still have their glaring headlights turned to dipped.

Jaejoong pulls the hood of his jacket up, trying to go for that inconspicuous looks he’d always been told to take every time he left the privacy of the dorms. While their Japanese fans were a great deal more considerate when it came to their personal space, Jaejoong had still learnt that over the years it never hurt to apply the better safe than sorry motto.

Feeling well concealed underneath the veil of his hood, he makes off down to street, heading towards a nearby crossing. He has a rough idea where he’s going, his memory stretching back to a cosy café that he’d used to visit – one that he now knew to no longer exist in the future.

However, he can hear a voice calling loudly from behind him, his name echoing through the air, making him cringe as he fights to keep his head down. Had Yunho lost his mind? That wasn’t a name to shouting about so loudly. Granted, it’s four in the morning, but Jaejoong still didn’t want to chance being ambushed in the streets by curious passers-by’s.

So, he makes the rational decision to stop, turning around to see both Changmin, and Yunho bolting towards him – which makes sense, considering that both of them have the longest legs out of the group. It still niggles against his bitter side that he has to admit it though, and he folds his arms defensively as his realises his mental admission.

“You really don’t need to follow me.” Jaejoong tells them as they come to a stop in front of him, both panting, and looking considerably flustered. “I realise that it might sound insane, but I just can’t deal with this today anymore, and nothing I do seems to be working out anyway. So, I figured the best way to deal with it is just to avoid it completely. Which is why I’m going to go and do just that.”

Yunho gives me the most befuddled of looks, his eyes blinking rapidly as he clearly tries to take in what Jaejoong’s saying – evidently with little success. Changmin’s a little quicker at catching on, and he takes a step back, folding his arms across his chest, eyebrow raised in question.

“You’re right, it doesn’t make sense.” Changmin says slowly, before he frowns, eyes pinching in concern. “Is this you having some kind of breakdown?” He then asks, giving Jaejoong a once over.

It’s enough to trigger his frustrations all over again. He can hardly go through this piece by piece right now. They were bound to think he was crazy; and Jaejoong doesn’t blame them, because he really does feel it.

“I just can’t seem to get it right!” He hears himself blurt, arms raising up in defeat as Junsu, and Yoochun, come rushing towards them with matching expressions of concern. “No matter what I do I just keep coming back here again! I try to keep us all together by leaving, and it goes wrong. I try to keep us all together by staying, and it goes wrong! I can’t win!” He rants, turning away from them to glare down the road. “I mean Yoochun even _died_ , and I just- I don’t want to have to go through that again!” He finally shouts, bolting back round to point an almost accusing finger at Yoochun, his eyes glossing.

The outburst is met with silent shock, especially Yoochun who bulks at the announcement concerning his apparent death. Changmin even takes a moment to shoot a rather puzzled look towards him, as though double checking that Yoochun was indeed alive and well.

“And the best part is, no one even knows what I’m talking about! So now I just look crazy!” Jaejoong blurts, carrying on with his tirade, unbothered by the curious looks being sent their way by the few people milling about at such an early hour.

“Look, it doesn’t matter Jae, just come back inside, and we can talk about it.” Yunho says calmly, his eyes glancing to side apprehensively, and Jaejoong narrows his eyes.

“Yeah, ‘cause that worked out _so well_ before!” He bites back, hands balling into fists.

“Jae! Just-” Yunho goes to say, and Jaejoong watches him reach out to snag his hand, and likely drag him back by force to the dorms – anything to get him to stop shrieking on the streets more than likely.

But Jaejoong twists away too quickly, turning towards the road again to leave.

“No!” He says firmly, eyes hard set as he glares at Yunho over his shoulder. “I’m done.”

Yunho’s eyes widen in horror, and he moves forward again, looking semi stricken as Jaejoong steps out to walk across the road. He doesn’t even think about it at the time, turning away from his members and breaking out into a run. He doesn’t stop to think about why they’re suddenly yelling his name in such panic, simply putting it down to fact that he was showing himself to be deliberately running away from their schedule. He doesn’t stop to think for a second that it might be out of concern for his life. His life which flashes before his eyes as he turns to looks round to his left to see a small lorry heading right for him with headlights aglow.

There’s no time to even think about screaming, never mind do it, as the blaring din of a horn sounds above the loud shriek of terror of his members. Rooted in spot he can only stand there as he takes in the sight for the brief two seconds that it takes for the collision to transpire. There’s pain, but only for a moment, his whole-body erupting like a volcanic explosion with blistering agony, before the world zips out like a light; his mind clearly unable to fathom the scale of the pain alongside the sheer shock of what was happening.

-X-

He’s awake, yet it feels as though he’s not. There's a slew of heavy clouds hazing his mind to a mush, which in turn causes a floating feeling to fall over him. Yet, he’s calm, overtly so, body churning with a slow, slightly sluggish, speed; almost of though he wasn’t quite all there.

He remembers the collision, though it’s a faint, foggy, and he’s not entirely sure on actual details of what had happened. But, he does know that his head _aches_ to think about it, brain thrumming in an uncomfortable motion to the point where he has to press a hand to his temple to ease it.

Without thought, he turns, attempting to assess his current surroundings. They’re basic, and bare of any homely contents in a way that feels clinical. They don’t tell him much, and any indication he’d hoped to get slips short of him. He instead tries to think about getting up, and maybe moving about a bit. But he finds he can’t. His body feels too lethargic, and that leaves him to lie back down within the stiff sheets of his bed that seem frighteningly familiar.

Was he in hospital again?

Before he can debate that horrifying thought, he hears a knock, and slowly turns to the door rather belatedly.

“Jaejoong?” A voice calls, feminine in tone. “You have a visitor.”

Jaejoong parts his lips to say something, but finds his voice falling short, and he frowns. Why did it feel like something was blocking him?  

The door opens, and a middle-aged lady is stood there, dressed in blue robes that look far too medical for Jaejoong’s liking. She’s smiling warmly though, and turns to her side, nodding to someone that Jaejoong can’t see. His hospital theory is slowly becoming more, and more tangible, and a ball of nerves wells up inside him. Why would be in hospital again?

Before he can dwell on it, something feels as though it kicks in, and the nerves drop away, his body relaxing far too quickly, to the point where it leaves him reeling at the quick switch for a second.

“Well, someone seems calmer today!” The lady says to him, looking suspiciously impressed, and pitching her tone as though she were talking to child rather than a fully-grown adult; the exchange leaves him ruffled, but once again the feeling dies away quickly.

He wants to ask why he wouldn’t be calm, or just maybe just question why he’s there in the first place. However, his mind tangles once more, and becomes stuck on the questions, leaving him to sit quietly, staring dumbly at the floor, eyes drooping lazily.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll perk up again soon." She tells him, smiling brightly, and then frowns when silence stretches between them. "Must be the medication kicking in again.” She mutters under her breath. “Well, anyway! I'm sure that's about to change - look who’s here to see you!”

Jaejoong glances up at her cheery tone, wondering just what had got her in such a good mood, and his eyes widen as he stares at the image of Yunho standing nervously in the doorway, a single paper bag in hand.

* * *

So again, I'm really sorry that this is so late! I've really been struggling with this chapter, and trying to get it right.. Anyway! Have fun with some yunjae links below!

Some notes on the flowers that Jaejoong brought for Yoochun:

Asphodel - regrets that follow you to the grave  
Marigold - Grief, Despair, Jealousy  
Yellow tulip - Cheerful thoughts, Sunshine, Hope  
Snowdrop - Hope  
Carnation (Pink) - I’ll never forget you  
Compass Flower (yellow)- Faith  
Hyacinth (Purple) - Sorrow, Please forgive me  
Yellow rose (Yoochun's birth flower month of June) - Friendship, Joy, Gladness

Flower meanings taken from [this site](https://www.flowersbyflourish.com/floriography/).

The Catier Wedding Bands that Yunjae have matching rings from: 

Jaejoong’s wedding ring, these rings date back to like 2005??? ---> <http://oyunjae.tumblr.com/post/169571166822/ohhh-new-secret-love-ring-from-cartier-love-it> 

Yunho has the matching silver one, images can be found here ---> <http://ndoroganjenfesyen.blogspot.com/2012/04/yunjae-couple-rings.html> and here ---> <http://kbblove.tumblr.com/post/154395873232/jaejoong-last-concert-before-enlisting-in-2015>

Their most recent matching Cartier rings as of the date this chapter was uploaded ----> <http://oyunjae.tumblr.com/post/166468804297/yunjae-and-their-cartier-wedding-bands>

**LINKS:**  
[Here](http://taebyte.tumblr.com/) - for my main blog (taebyte)  
[Here](http://yunjaae.tumblr.com/) - for my YunJae side blog (yunjaee)  
Either's fine! I frequent both often.


	5. Chapter Five

**TRIGGER WARNING! THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A SCENE INVOLVING SUICIDE!**

* * *

 

There’s a horrible stretch of silence burning within the air, bringing with it an all-consuming smoke that curdles, and chokes at him. It’s not an awkward silence per, but more a sad one, one that leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, and leads him to believe that there’s an awful lot of unspoken words between them.

Which… Makes sense really. After all, they’d always been a couple that leaned more towards leaving things unsaid, rather than having lengthy, _healthy_ , conversations to clear the air. It was ultimately one of the many reasons that they’d argued so much. Well, that, and the fact that they were too busy trying to grab every available chance they had to tip toe away and enjoy more _personal_ time together.

Sex had always come before more meaningful conversations – which was yet another aspect he’d come to regret.

Looking at Yunho now though, he begins to feel regret towards more recent actions. That look on his face just doesn’t look right. He’d always hated having to see him look so teary during fancam performances that he'd watched through the glowing screen of his laptop late at night within the gloom of his apartment. The ones that had followed the lawsuit had been the worst, and Jaejoong had felt his heart strain as he’d watched them. It had slowly eased, with Yunho becoming more and more cheerful as the years had gone by. But, right now, that sorrowful look on his face is giving him some major déjà vu back to those dark days.

“Hey Jaeji.” Yunho says softly, his expression twisting into a pained look as he shuffles his way into the room rather awkwardly, shooting an expecting look to the woman from before.

He’s not sure what the look is meant to mean. But it obviously means something, because the woman, who’s he’s convinced at this point is a nurse, soon makes herself scares; offering a soft comment for Yunho to press the call button if he needs anything. Jaejoong wants to ask her for a glass of water, or just anything to end the horrible dry throat he’s currently got going on. But, alas, his voice fails him, and he ends up lying there with his mouth hung open willing himself to speak words that just aren’t coming.

“How are you feeling today?” Yunho asks gently, albeit hesitantly, as he moves over to sit beside him.

He seems full of concern, expression pinched, almost as though there was more he wanted to say. Jaejoong knows the feeling. He’s full of questions, but no voice to express them with.  

“Heh, cat got your tongue?” Yunho then asks, when Jaejoong stays quiet before him. “Or are you just tired?” He adds, now sounding guilty.

Jaejoong twists his expression into a frown, opening his mouth again wearily. He’s frustrated, confused, and feeling unnecessarily lethargic for saying he’d apparently been sleeping. Yet, it all washes away as soon as it surges up, and he’s left feeling calm once more, and wiped blank of thought...

What had he been doing again, he wonders, lifting his head to stare at the ceiling.

“Jaejoong?” Yunho prompts, and Jaejoong turns to flick his gaze to him lazily.  “You still with me?” He asks, his face suddenly twisting in concern. “Ah, did they give you a shot again? I thought we’d asked them to stop dosing you up...”

His brow crinkles for a moment, trying to spur his brain to think on the words. However, his mind folds before he can, and he ends up feeling a wash of tiredness pull over him; his head killing back as he sighs. Yunho moves a hand up to stroke his hair gently, looking a tad regretful for a moment.

“I’ll make sure to speak to them about it before I go.” He murmurs softly, seemingly more to himself that Jaejoong. “I promised to make sure you were being looked after in here after all.” He then adds, pulling his hand back when Jaejoong tilts his head to stare at him.

Being... Looked after? Was he in a care home of some kind? How _long_ had he been here?

“Oh! I brought you something by the way.” Yunho goes on to say, fetching the paper bag he’d brought in with him from before, and opening it up.

Jaejoong tries to pay attention, but it’s slowly becoming harder and harder to focus. The wave of tiredness from before suddenly feels like it’s fighting against his own mind, and he’s disappointed to find that his mind is losing miserably. He suspects that Yunho’s theory regarding him being dosed up on medication is likely right.

However, he just about manages to keep it together enough to watch as Yunho produces the paper bag from before, and his stomach grumbles at the sight of a tupperware container.

“I know how much you hate the food in here, so I brought you in some of the home-made stuff.” Yunho tells him, a soft smile playing on his lips, before a snort of laughter bursts free. “Don’t worry. I didn’t make it myself. I saw your mum yesterday, and after she found out I was visiting today she insisted on me bringing you something. Apparently, she noticed that you’ve lost weight the last time she came.”

There’s a pause in his words, a moment where he takes a breath, seemingly struggling to continue. He takes a moment, composing himself briefly, and Jaejoong wonders for a second what could be running through his mind that was awful enough to nearly being tears to Yunho’s face.

“That’s why you need to get better, remember?” Yunho continues, placing down the food container, and taking his hand. “All that talk about alternate dimensions, and the- Well... The _accident_. It’s got to stop, you need to forget about that stuff Jae! Please, for me- No, for _yourself._ ”

Yunho pauses again, and Jaejoong frowns at him, trying his best to focus. He looks... Older, stressed, speckled with a small dusting of odd grey hairs here, and there. Time had not been kind to him it appeared, and Jaejoong’s mind drifted to the possibility of his incarceration being the possible cause for his current appearance.

He was locked up, wasn’t here? It seemed so, and Yunho’s tender spoken request only fuels him to believe so. A bubble of self-hatred wells up within him, and he desperately tries to hold onto the emotion as his eyes begins to sag, vision blurring as his eyelids drop. He takes a deep breath, a warm wave calling out to him, and dragging him slowly under the tempting spell of sleep. He can still faintly hear Yunho beside him, his voice a soft, rather soothing, lull of noise. He wants to remain awake, listen to him more, and maybe try to add some further evidence to the red strings that he was slowly beginning to pull together.

However, it didn’t seem like he was going to manage that one.

“We all hate to see you in here.” Yunho goes on to tell him. “Your parents, sisters, Yoochun, Junsu, and Changmin. We really hate it. You don’t belong in here, you belong out in the real world. With us, with _me_. This break from the spotlight wasn’t meant to last this long. So please Jae, please just _try_ to let them help. They won’t let you go unless they think you can be trusted to not- Jae?”

 

“He seems completely out of it.”

“Mm, Yunho mentioned before that they had been dosing him up.”

“Can he even hear us right now?”

“Just give him chance.”

“Give him chance? We’ve been here for over half an hour now.”

Sounds bubble their way down to his sub consciousness, the noise pulling him back through to consciousness. Everything blurs for a moment, and he blinks his eyes suddenly, wondering what had just happened. It takes a couple of seconds for the film of blurred colours to fall away. When it does, he easily makes out the sight of his mother, father, and 2 of his sisters seated about the bed he’s lying on.

When had they- Where was Yunho? Had he fallen asleep?

It doesn’t feel like he’d been napping. In fact, it felt like he’d been off day dreaming, and had been suddenly yanked from his own thoughts.

He wonders if his family think the same. Though their faces are painted with soft looks of relief, and Jaejoong’s torn between believing if it’s due to him being awake, or if it’s just a forced pretence.

However, he quickly puts those thoughts aside, basking instead in the simply being overjoyed to see them once more. It’s been a while, and he’s suddenly overcome with the bursting feeling of happiness. He hadn’t realised until now just how much he’d missed them.

“H-hi.” He manages to croak out, and his mother lets a couple of stray tears loose as she covers her mouth, on her feet a second later as she shuffles closer to his bedside.

“Hello Jaejoong.” She says in return, leaning down to press a shaky kiss to his forehead. “How are you feeling?”

He gives her a strained smile, before then realising that he’d actually managed to speak, and his eyes open wide in sudden surprise, leaving him sat there gaping.

“Jae?” His sister asks hesitantly. “Is everything ok?”

“I-” He says, lifting his head to stare at them in shock. “What _happened_?”

His sister laughs, moving a hand to try and smother the action in a way that feels oddly precious as he sees his own habits reflected in her.

“You were… Well, it seemed like you were staring into space when we arrived. So, we’ve been waiting for you snap out of it.” She explains, taking a seat at the end of his bed.

“Oh…” He replies, feeling guilty for them suddenly.

“Have they been giving you sedatives again?” His father suddenly asks, expression pinched into concern. “Yunho told us before that they’d been unnecessarily dosing you up with them.”

Jaejoong wracks his brain, throwing his memory back. But all he can remember is waking up, and Yunho coming to see him, Yunho talking, and then- Nothing. He’d suddenly jolted back, only to find his family present, and Yunho gone. The last thing he can remember before that was Yunho lamenting that his loved ones didn’t like seeing him in here, and begging him to allow the people caring for him to help him recover. But from what, he didn’t know.

“I… I don’t think so?” He offers to his father. “I don’t really remember much.” He admits, dropping his head to stare at the quilt gripped between his fingers.

There’s a moment of silence, silence that’s a little awkward, and he can’t help but drown in shame from his lack of forthcoming with answers.

“Ah, speaking of Yunho!” His sister suddenly chimes in, being the God sent that she was. “It looks like he’s been to visit you recently.”

Jaejoong blinks at her, bewildered as to how she knew – unless, that was, Yunho had already called them to say he’d been to see him. Unlikely, Yunho was terrible when it came to contacting people, Jaejoong had experienced it first hand for many a years previously. Spending hours furiously spam texting him, and receiving little in reply, or the many times he’d ended up firefighting their mutual friends who’d call him with questions on if their ever-hardworking leader was still alive and kicking due to having not heard from him in over a month. Personally, Jaejoong had always blamed his inability to grind all work to a halt and _chill out_.

“Yeah, he stopped by earlier.” Jaejoong admits, turning his head to the side, only to find the tupperware box that Yunho had given him earlier.

“Oh, is that what I gave him yesterday?” His mother asks, sitting a little straighter in her chair to look over at the tub.

“Looks like it.” His father replies, and then smiles warmly at Jaejoong. “You’ll enjoy that. A bit of good, honest, home cooking perks up even the most down of souls.”

Jaejoong smiles at the comment, and then sinks back against the mountain of pillows behind him to stare up at the ceiling.

“I- Can I ask you something?” He murmurs softly.

“Of course, Jaejoong.” His sister says, smiling softly at him.

“I am here because of the car accident?”

He’d been assuming as much since he’d woken up, but of course, he couldn’t know for sure. It made sense in his mind at least, and Yunho had said that whatever place this was wouldn’t let him go until he could be “trusted” – to do what, he didn’t know. He’d slipped into some sort of daze before he’d heard Yunho finish. So, based on what he _did_ know, it seemed that all roads were pointing to the car accident being the catalyst for this particular state he’d found himself in.

It seems to be true too, judging by the matching looks of surprise exchanged between his family.

“Jaejoong, don’t you remember?” His mother asks hesitantly, after a meaningful look between her and his sisters. “Y-you jumped in front of that car.” She explains, though it seems hard for her say, what with her eyes watering as she pushes the words past her lips. “You… You tried to commit suicide.”

Jaejoong balks at her, stunned into silence as he tries to process what she’s saying. He certainly knows that it’s not true. That hadn’t been his intention at _all_. It had been just as he’d said before, an accident!

He remembers arguing with his members, wanting nothing more to do with that day, and intent on simply leaving the whole thing alone. He’d left the dorm, and they’d followed in hot pursuit as he’d made his intent clear. They’d argued in the streets, and Yunho had been trying to persuade him to go back to the dorms. However, he’d firmly stood his ground, saying no, and so Yunho had reached out for him. But, he’d moved back, and-

His head throbs in pain, blistering across his skull in a pulsing wave, and he moves a hand up to press it against the area automatically, hissing as it booms once more in retaliation.

He can’t... He can’t _remember_ anything after that. But he hadn’t... There was no _way_ he’d deliberately tried to commit suicide!

“I know you’ve always denied it son.” His father suddenly says, his eyes shining with sadness. “But all those witnesses who were passing. They all testified that you stepped out into the road...”

“But the members-” Jaejoong goes to argue, removing his hand from his head, and balling it back into the sheets on the bed in frustration.

“They said you were saying some pretty intense stuff.” His sister cuts in, her expression creasing in worry. “Jaejoong... Don’t you remember?”

Jaejoong’s eyes widen in horror, he takes a sharp breath, willing himself not to cry in vexation. He remembers alright. But he hadn’t realised just how badly it would be interpreted.

“I don’t- This wasn’t _meant_ to happen!” He hears himself say, thoughts escaping in a jumble of words. “I just didn’t want to go through that day again!”

His hand finds its way into his hair, and he pulls at the locks in frustration, ignoring the exchange of worried looks passed between his family.

His father breaks the air once more, ever the figure of resolution, his soft timbre pulling Jaejoong from his hectic thoughts.

“It’s alright my son.” He says, offering warmth that melts away the cold that feels as though it’s been griping at his heart for far too long. “You don’t need to worry yourself with those thoughts for now. For now, you should rest, we will be here when you wake.”

He knows as much deep down. The stress of this timeline would soon be replaced with another, and he’d be forced to simply go along with whatever situation he was thrust into next – there was simply no fighting it. Meek though planted, he drops back against the pillows behind him again, feeling defeated once more. No matter how much he struggled the outcome simply lead back to the same path over, and over again.

There really was no point fighting against the tide.

“I suppose Yunho’s visits really aren’t helping after all…” He hears his sister mutter under her breath.

Somehow, he couldn’t agree more.

-X-

Numbness plagues his mind when he next wakes, a heavy heart weighing him down like it was made of lead. Right now, it really felt as though it wasn’t so much of a metaphor, but reality.

With forced conviction, he opens his eyes with a slow blink, staring unseeingly. He can smell… Salt? It hangs in the air, sprinkled into the passing breeze that’s currently cooling the warmth of his body, and gives it a sharp tang that he can taste at the back of throat every time he breathes in. It’s certainly a jarring change from the warm, almost pungent, air he’d been stewing in before. This is instead refreshing, and a calming atmosphere, that’s slowly beginning to clear through the mess that the last reality had triggered.

The glistening gleam of the ocean is the first thing he catches sight of, the swell of water crashing up against sprawling white sands. His breath catches in his throat at the sight, and he sits forward just a little, allowing the wind to catch his hair within a sweeping breeze. The suns peaking up over the horizon in the distance, and it takes him a moment to realise that he’s watching the sun rise, rather than set. Regardless, it’s beautiful, and he finds himself enraptured by the sight.

“Oh, you’re up.” A voice rumbles from behind him, sounding way too close, and unsparingly familiar.

He doesn’t turn round, he already knows the score by now. Instead of wasting his time staring at the strikingly handsome features that he already knows to be Yunho’s face, he lies back against his chest, and watches the burning amber, pink, and yellow hues chase away the dark stains of the night lingering upon the horizon.

“Still tired?” Yunho asks him, shifting Jaejoong’s body within his arms, and pulling the blanket that’s resting around them closer.

“No…” Jaejoong replies, reaching for Yunho’s hands, and holding them gently within his own.

“I’m surprised.” Yunho chuckles, his head dripping to gently press his lips to the back of his neck, a short, but sweet, kiss pressed against the warm skin he finds there. “We’re supposed to be on holiday, but all you’ve been doing is sleeping.”

“Sorry.” Jaejoong finds himself saying, eyes still caught within the swirling shades dragged out across the sky like a kaleidoscope of colour. “Guess, I am a little tired still…”

It’s not exactly a lie; he really is tired. Tired of floating about these different realities, trying to fix things in the past, and then ending up in a future where things finally seem to be ok, only to then find out that he’s made things even worse. Not only that, but then finding that no matter how many times he went through it, or how many different paths he took, the results always seemed to be the same. Unhappiness lingering in some shape or form.

“I thought so.” Yunho chuckles, pulling him a little a closer, and snuggling himself into him as though he was an oversized cuddly toy. “Well, I don’t mind. We can stay like this a little longer, right? I won’t even check my phone – promise.”

“You’d better not.” Jaejoong murmurs softly, assuming that Yunho’s phone must be a recurring peeve in this world.

“Hey, I’ve done well so far, right? Four days in, and I haven’t picked up a single call from the office.” Yunho states proudly. “Changmin must think I’ve fallen into the ocean, and drowned by now. Not that I think he’d mind all that much – he must be enjoying the peace.”

“Probably.” Jaejoong agrees, smiling discreetly to himself as he pictures a chilled out Changmin leaning back in a swivel chair, with his feet propped up on a desk.

He figures Yunho must be some kind of strict, no nonsense, boss in this world. One that worked above Changmin, and drove the poor boy mad with his work obsessed ethic. It seemed Yunho was always hardworking no matter what universe he was in. A trait that Jaejoong only hopes he emulates some what.

“Ah, well, it doesn’t matter. At least I get to spend some time with you finally, right?” Yunho chimes, sounding all too pleased as he leans forward over Jaejoong.

Jaejoong can see his smile, face framed with the beautiful colours shimmering across the sky like backdrop ripped straight from a painting. He looks beyond happy, the sort that Jaejoong had used to catch glimpses of when they’d manage to snag half an hour here or there of quiet time together, back when TVXQ had still been a 5 piece group taking on the world one continent at a time. Those moments had never lasted long, but they were still some of the happiest memories Jaejoong had, and were memories he fiercely treasured, and protected when it came the damage that the passage of time wrought.

He wishes he could make more together. Wishes that he could still reach out, and pull Yunho close again to ask.

A chill breezes past them, a littler cold this time, and the memories fade away from his mind.

Actually, he thinks, if he could, more than anything else, he wishes that he could be reborn. Only this time, he wishes he could chose a different path. One of a normal life, one that wouldn’t lead him to the false glamour of the k-pop industry.

-X-

It becomes obvious that he can’t win. No matter how he tries to play his cards, nothing works. It’s almost like he’s playing a convoluted game of chess all by himself, deliberating, and thinking through each move before he made it. Those moves, however, were not seeming to yield him any step closer to a checkmate, even after trying so many different combinations.

One of those combinations was to leave the group himself – solo. He chooses to make the announcement over breakfast, and unintentionally lands himself in the middle of a full blown clival war, with Yunho standing one side his voice cranked up to max, and the kids looking on in horror from the other. He doesn’t put up much of a fight against the furious tide that is to his be his soon ex-boyfriend, he doesn’t have the will to; despite the distance cries of his younger self raging for him to give as good as he was receiving. But he’s not looking for more verbal bloodshed, and once the waves of Yunho’s rage recede (having stormed off into the bathroom to shower), he instead puts his mind to wording together a curt email to their manager back home, detailing his decision to leave the company. It’s short, to the point, and void of any emotion that he might have normally included. He feels oddly satisfied by the time he’s done and hitting send unquestionably gives him a zing of pleasure. That done, he packs the very little possessions that he actually keeps in their Japanese dorm into a small over the shoulder duffel bag, and heads to the airport with a one-way ticket back home.

No one attempts to stop him, what with Yunho gone, and the kids steering clear of the two of them since the one-sided argument over breakfast; they knew all too well by then to not step in between the two eldest members were fueding.

Although, as he stares out of the window of the plane, sighing to quietly to himself under the protection of his facemask, he realises that he can’t exactly blame them. He knows all too well from his own memories just how explosive their fights could be, and if roles were reversed, he wouldn’t want to step into the firing line either.

Thinking about it makes him feel exhausted, and he slides down in his seat, finally allowing his eyes to close, his last thoughts wondering off to what type of bleak future would await him this time…

 

He’s not disappointed.

Bland shades of white, and beige greet him, and he finds himself within an apartment all by himself, staring at the haunting image of an aged version of himself within the reflective glass of a mirror hanging at the end of his bed. He looks worse than he has in years, with the last time in recent memory being that small blip where he’d done nothing but work himself to the bone building up C-JeS, partying, drinking himself into oblivion, and finally crying himself to sleep. He cringes at the thought, and pulls the shirt hanging off his shoulders around himself. He seemed to have slipped with his workout routine too, if the slightly pudgy belly was anything to go by, yet he can’t stop himself from lightly pressing his hand against it anyway in fascination.

When was the last time he’d even _had_ any kind of stomach to speak of? It was a jarring sight indeed, and suddenly he can understand why people were sometimes so concerned over his ant like waist.

He wishes he could use that same logic for the rest of himself, but he finds himself coming up short as he runs a hand through his greasy mop of hair, and ashen complexion that looked far from healthy.

Just what had happened this time?

Walking around he finds only small clues of this life, though they seem sparsely scattered. He’s in Japan, though he’s unsure of where exactly. There’s a stack of music sheets, what look to be lyrics smattered across the paper, along with various song notes, references scrawled through and beside them. Was he still writing music? A song writer perhaps? As amazing as that would be, it’s still not telling him what he _really_ wants to know. Just what had happened to his members?

The answer doesn’t come, even after a through search of the small apartment. There’s nothing. Not an inch of his past remains concerning TVXQ, and Jaejoong wonders, as he stands staring at the upturned apartment. Just what had driven him to the extreme of ridding himself of everything connecting to the group that he loved so dearly?

A final desperate attempt drives him to the internet via the mobile phone lying on the bedside cabinet, fingers slowly typing in the groups name to the search bar. There’s a tonne of sites waiting for him, and he scans for news articles instead, tapping, and scrolling through the list, eyes skimming across the screen.

KIM JAEJOONG SUDDEN RESIGNATION… KIM JAEJOONG LEAVES GROUP… TVXQ HALT JAPANESE PROMOTIONS… TVXQ ANNOUNCES TEMPORARY HIATUS… REMAINING INTERNAL CONFLICT… SM CONFIRMS PARK YOOCHUN ON TEMPORARY BREAK… MOUNTING CONCERN OVER TVXQ’S FUTURE… SM ANNOUNCES TVXQ MEMBERS SOLO PROJECTS… TVXQ CONFIRMED DISBANDMENT… FORMER TVXQ MEMBER PARK YOOCHUN FOUND DEAD IN APARTMENT AFTER SUSPECTED DRUG OVERDOSE…

His head spins from the information overload, and he finds himself dropping the phone to the bed, body soon following. His chest heaves a shuddering sigh, and he throws his arm over his eyes.

It seemed removing himself from the picture hadn’t helped after all…

-X-

5\. It’s the number of cracks on the ceiling above him. He can now point them out perfectly, almost without even having to look for them. Which isn’t really that difficult considering the amount of times he’s laid staring up at them recently. He’s not entirely sure what _that_ number is per say, but it’s fast totting up towards three digits now.

His more recent travels back to the past have been less focused on fixing the mess of the split, and more social based. They’d seen him visiting friends, roaming the city, and spending lazy days within coffee shops chatting to his family over Skype on a poor internet connection that was fitting of the late 2000’s; with said family voicing concern over his sudden bout of free time.

However, he’d eventually run himself dry of people he genuinely wanted to see/speak to, and had now found himself fresh out of options.

Well, options other than actually getting back to fixing the issue at hand that was. Which isn’t exactly something he wants to face. But, he knows he can’t just simply live out his days repeatedly having the same conversations with the same people on the same day. No matter how much he loved his family, it was eventually going to become a chore speaking to them due to their lives never moving forward, and therefore having them talk about the same current events of their lives repeatedly.

The thought forces him to gather the last of his fast dissipating will to actually _fix_ things, he finds his next attempt seeing him agreeing to the split in a more creative manner.

He attempts a similar method as his first trip back into the past, and pushes the idea of leaving onto Yunho, with the added suggestion of leaving Korea altogether. After all, if they’re no longer in the country, and then there’s no way of putting any bad blood between them, Changmin, Yoochun, and Junsu.

It had seemed to make sense within his own head. However, when he wakes up in the future once more, he realises that he’d overlooked just how selfish he was being once again.

While they’re life had seemed perfect, living happily within a foreign country, far from the sly clutches of an industry he was fast coming to despise, he’d overlooked the impact that such a move would have upon Yunho.

It comes to pass that Yunho’s family once again had denounced their son for his actions, and were now refusing all contact with both their son, and Jaejoong. Not only that, but their departure had earned the scorn of their former members too, with them seeing the move as nothing but a means to run away from the mess of the split, and then the subsequent aftermath that has arisen after their relationship had gone public due to them being spotted leaving the country together.

He finds it hard to really care at this point about the whole situation, but there’s a nasty feeling of guilt that pulls at him when he sees the poorly masked look of unhappiness pasted across Yunho’s face as he explains the details with clear confusion.

Like a carousel, spinning round and round, in an endless cycle, he finds that despite his own desire for a simpler life, he can’t keep putting Yunho through such tribulations for the sake of his own selfish wishes.

-X-

Having made it clear to himself that pulling Yunho from the group wasn’t the way to go, he tries leaving with each of the others separately, hoping each time that he might yield better results. He’s wrong though. It never gets better, and time and time again, he realises that his actions are merely selfish whims that he’s desperate to believe will work. Yet he can’t seem to stop himself from trying. Eager, for once to have at least one of his hairbrained ideas to work out.

The powers that be don’t seem to care for that though, and each of his efforts ends in misery, with a new gloomy ending patiently waiting for him in the future each time.

Someone hates him, Yoochun dies, someone ends up with nothing, half the group hate each other, or in the version where he and Changmin leave together, both Yoochun _and_ Yunho die.

He can only sit within the small house he’d retired to in his final attempt, eyes misty, and staring unseeingly into nothing. He’s gone beyond the point of sadness, hurt, and even the heartbreak that he’d expected himself to feel as the news of Yunho’s death settled on his ears. All that’s left behind now is the raw anger, and frustration of not knowing what to do, or how to solve the loop he’d found himself in.

-X-

Blinding rage overtakes him when he wakes up.

He can’t remember a time when he’d exploded in such a manner, but he knows for a fact he’d never done so while stuck within the constrictive hold that was his contract with SM.

He’s out of bed like a shot, utterly unaware of the time, and hurtling towards the kitchen with nothing but the need for destruction running through his head. Pots, pans, mugs, and other clutter go flying through the air as he sweeps them from the worktops that made up their cosy, if not small, kitchen. The satisfaction that their noisy collision with the floor brings him is somewhat disturbing, but that’s a thought for the back of his mind, and one he certainly doesn’t entertain as a sharp shout rips from his throat.

Despite the mess, he certainly feels better. But now there’s a thrumming rush shooting through his veins which is traveling straight to his head and beginning to form the start of a horrid headache.

He needs a drink. Preferably before the other members finish stumbling about their rooms from the noise of his earlier conflict in the kitchen. He’s not looking to stand about arguing over what was already done, not when he could be downing a number of shots in some VIP club with people whose names he wouldn’t even remember by the time he woke up in whatever twisted future he visited next.

It’s doesn’t surprise him all that much when he wakes up in the future to find that he’d been removed from the group.

-X-

-X- **TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE** -X-

-X-

He comes to realise that there’s one thing he hasn’t tried. One very drastic idea that sudden springs to mind as he lies in bed staring distantly up at the cranks on the ceiling once more, feeling himself slowly going mad as he gives each single fissure a name of its own.

Under normal circumstances he wonders if he might have made himself feel sick at the idea, a perfectly fitting reaction of nausea for his own disturbing thoughts. However, that doesn’t happen, and he reasons that it’s perhaps the product of this never-ending nightmare like predicament he’d found himself in. Yet, the more he tosses, and turns, within his bed thinking it over and over again, the more it begins to make sense.

He’d heard the concept dying in a dream. That idea being that if person died within a dream, that they would also die in real life. He can’t exactly say he’s sure on the actual truth of it, but it made sense that something was sure to happen if his mind did indeed believe he’d died within some kind of capacity. Would all this be reset? Would it trigger him to wake up? Was it not at least worth a shot?

He crinkles his nose at the thought, hiking up the blanket draped over him.

Realistically… It was. But despite that, he can’t help the bubble of uncertainly that warns him against the idea. Taking his own life, even within a dream, hallucination, or whatever this all was. It was still risky. If it really did kill him. Then where would that leave him?

“ _Dead and buried_.” He answers himself bleakly.

But if he didn’t try, then would he ever escape? He’d pretty much exhausted everything else, and he was pretty sure his own mental state was beginning to suffer for it. If he had to go through that damn photoshoot one more time, then he was going to strangle that damn photographer with his own camera equipment.

Mulling it over once more, he moves, before he can talk himself out of it, and quietly sneaks from the bedroom towards the kitchen. His hands tremble over the handle of medicine cabinet briefly, his mind buzzing with anxiety. Carefully he retrieves a couple of containers of pain relivers that he’d been prescribed for his reoccurring knee pain and sets them down lightly on the counter. He pours himself a glass of water next, unscrews the cap of the pill container, and starts popping them back, reaching to take small sips with each three pills he takes. It’s not exactly a quick process, and if he’s honest he’s beginning to feel sick with all the water he’s having to drink to take them down. Not to mention, by the time both tubs are empty, he’s more than convinced that it’s all for nothing due to nauseous feeling that’s hinting towards him throwing them all back up again.

“ _Deep breaths_.” He tells himself, leaning over the counter, and slowly counting in his head. “ _Don’t think about it, don’t think about it._ ”

His eyes find the empty pill containers, and he reads the labels on them to distract himself. 120 pills per tub, he reads, pressing his lips together in thought. Would that be enough? He’d never thought about suicide before, and he had no idea how many pain killers, or even what type, would be enough to efficiently push him over the edge. For all he knew, what he’d taken, could simple see him winding up as a vegetable in hospital – which wasn’t the point of this stupidity. No, he needed something more to guarantee him a permanent lights out.

Glittering like an ironic ray of hope, he spies a used knife still out on the table to the corner of the room. He’s none the wiser as to what it had been used for before, his memory not being able to stray that far back, but he’s pretty sure he make use of it now. Which is why he grabs for it, and cleans it up under the tap briefly, before stumbling off towards the bathroom.

Trying to be as quiet as possible, which is difficult given his current task, he runs a bath; making sure the waters as warm as he can stand it. It’s no easy feat, and he has to settle for having to water set to a steady trickle, so as not to wake the other members. At this early hour of the morning they would certainly find it odd for him to be running a bath, and would no doubt come to investigate; especially due to them being so overly intimate with each other when it came to seeing each other naked. There would certainly be no concern of walking in on him possibly being naked.

Bath filled, he forgoes stripping down, and simply climbs into the bath still wearing his pyjamas – which feels weird to say the least. He wonders if the pills are finally kicking in, or if maybe he’s already numb to what it is he’s about to do, because the first cut up his wrist doesn’t even make him flinch. That’s not to say he doesn’t feel it, because he certainly _does_ , and yes, it _stings_. However, it’s not the pain he’d been expecting at all. Nor was he expecting the relief that seems to bleed out of him along with the crimson of his own blood that slowly stains the once clear water a poppy red before fanning out into a dusty pink.

He marks himself with a matching vertical cut up his other wrist, some far off part of his brain nagging that it was better to do it that way than horizontal. He’s honestly got no idea where that little knowledge nugget had come from, and chalks it up to last minute delirious thoughts brought on by his brain finally registering his actions.

It serves its job though, and he lets himself sink down into the water, body weightless as he drifts in and out of consciousness. The light above him blurs briefly, becoming one with the bright ceiling, before clearing. It feels like he lays there for a lifetime, half lidded eyes gazing into nothingness. But at some point, he picks up on his name being called. It’s garbled to his ears, but he’d heard it none the less. It’s followed by the panicked image of Yunho’s face bolting in front of his vision.

His eyes are wide with panic, horrified realisation dawning through them so quickly that it’s a wonder he hadn’t fainted. Fast hands dart into the water, looking for what, Jaejoong doesn’t know. His fingers nick against the cuts that Jaejoong had made himself upon his skin, and although Jaejoong feels him do it, the pain that he knows should be there, doesn’t register.

He does however register himself being hurled out of bathtub rather clumsily by a now screaming Yunho. His boyfriend hollers to the other members in short sheiks of noise that Jaejoong can’t quite will himself to decipher; he’s suspecting its names, or orders.

Towels are suddenly being thrown about the place, ones that quickly become stained red within Yunho’s shaking hands as he presses them against Jaejoong’s butchered flesh; and he can’t help but lament the waste. Yunho’s leaning over him, gathering him in his arms, and weeping, all the while yelling from him to stay awake, to keep his eyes open, to stay with him.

He wants to apologise, wants to tell him it’s alright, and that it _really_ doesn’t matter. But the words won’t quite push past his lips, and he feels like he’s just making a fool of himself, gaping like a fish fresh from water. He takes comfort in the fact that Yunho’s probably more distracted by the fact that he’s dying right now then scrutinising the way he looks.

He also takes comfort in the sorrowful confessions of love that are being made to him as his vision begins to speckle with black spots. Yunho’s begun to rock back and forth, Jaejoong’s body follows his gentle sways, whispering loving works in hushed tone that are meant for his ears alone. He forces a smile for Yunho’s sake, forcing his hand to his cheek with what strength he has left, and unintentionally leaves a smear of blood across his skin as he strokes it with his bloodied thumb.

“It’s… O-ok-” He manages.

The words are meant to be reassuring, despite him knowing that there’s _nothing_ that could make anything about this situation better; aside from him blurting “just a prank bro – gotcha good there!”  - which at this point is something he wishes he could do. Because despite his intentions, Yunho was never meant to just walk in and find him. However, he thinks his words might have made it all the more worse, and just as the claws of sleep, death, or whatever it was that was consuming him, sweep his vision completely, he makes out the distraught expression on Yunho’s face before it twists up completely and Yunho begins screaming.

-X-

He’s perched upon a grave when he comes to, an open expanse of a graveyard sprawled out before him. A bitter feeling rears inside of him, as he realises that his idea from before had clearly not worked. It seemed it was true what people always said: “suicide was _never_ the answer.” But in this case, it begged the question of what _was_ the answer. Just what was he meant to do, because once again, he was back to square one.

For a while he sits and contemplates just that, until the silhouette of an approaching figure distracts him. He squints against the morning sunlight, leaning forward enough to spy black clothing dressing the figure, and a facemask that’s pulled up concealing everything from the eyes down. They’re holding a large, rather extravagant, bundle of flowers cradling them within their arms, and even from a distance Jaejoong can tell there’s a heavy air of unwillingness to be there radiating from them. Which, makes perfect sense, considering where they currently are. Jaejoong himself didn’t particularly want to be there either.

However, dread begins to fill him as he realises that the figure is walking steadily in his direction, and he silently prays that they’re not there to visit him. Out of all the sights that he wants to see, people mourning over him is certainly not one. Although he blames himself if that’s the case, because who was the one who’d deliberately taken his life again?

That being said, it’s hard not to feel grossly abandoned by the powers that be, especially when Jaejoong makes a sickening realisation that it’s Yunho of all people slowly walking towards him.

Heart in his throat, he watches in horror as Yunho bends down, and places his flowers to the grave Jaejoong’s perched on. He then kneels, pulling down his facemask, and to Jaejoong’s horror there are tears sliding silently down his cheeks.

“Yunho...” He hears himself whisper gently, reaching out to wipe at the wet tear tracks.

He stops short when his hand simply slides straight through Yunho’s head, and yanks it back in shock. His eyes drop to his own fingers, and sighs when he realises that he can faintly see through them. There’d clearly be no physically comforting Yunho.

“Jaejoongie…” Yunho murmurs softly, bowing his head low, and placing a hand to his face. “Ah, it’s been too long.” He goes on to say, his voice trailing off. “But even though it’s been so long, I still can’t seem to understand why you’re not beside me.”

His heart feeling cold, Jaejoong watches Yunho crumple his fingers into fists, suddenly feeling angry at himself for having caused such heartache. He curls on himself as he realises that Yunho possibly felt this way back in his own timeline, but perhaps to a slightly lesser extent – he was, after all, still alive in his own universe, just not physically beside Yunho.

“Why?!” Yunho suddenly asks, his voice a harsh whisper that draws Jaejoong’s attention back to his slumped form. “Why… If things were so bad, why didn’t you come to me? No matter what it was, no matter how difficult, I would have stood by you and have done what I could. If nothing else, I would have been a shoulder for you to cry on!”

There are tears now, dotting Yunho’s eyes, and creating a glossy sheen that has Jaejoong mirroring in mere moments. Yunho hadn’t cried often during their time together, he was a man of principal, and didn’t like to cry openly in public. So, during the few times when he had bared his soul open, it had been behind the closed doors of the dorms, and more than likely sheltered even more so behind the locked door of their bathroom. Jaejoong had sometimes stayed with him, propped up on the bathroom counter, with Yunho stood between his legs with his head buried against Jaejoong’s shoulder. He’d brushed away his tears back then, often trying to make him smile again with silly expressions, and light teasing. He wished he could do that now, just reach across and close his arms around him.

“Why didn’t you just _talk_ to me? Why Jae? I... I could have _helped_ you...”

A sharp breath pulls from his chest, and Jaejoong’s eyes finally let go of the building tears that had been gathering, freely crying along with the man before him. Silently watching on from his perch, he resolves to do better in the next past that he visits. If not for himself, then at least for Yunho.

* * *

 

So it's been a while huh... I'm really sorry this chapter is so late! I've actually had a lot on, and I've been ignoring this story because this chapter was just so difficult to write for one reason or another...  

Anyway! For those who are interested next chapter will be the last chapter, so prepare for that whirlwind I guess!


	6. Chapter Six

* * *

 

He’s sat on his butt when he makes an obvious revelation.

His backside is cold, and its starting to feel numb from the sharp chill of the ice he’d slipped on. However, the soft smile, and the warmth of the hand being extended to him currently is worth the chill that’s beginning to bite at him.

He’s not surprised to find Yunho in this universe, nor is he surprised that it’s Yunho who he first comes across – he’s far too accustomed it now. It should have been obvious all along to him, and he’s forced to smile at his own obliviousness as he takes Yunho’s hand – if only to stop himself from crying.

It’s Yunho, it’s always Yunho. Across all of these weird universes, futures, and the past. It was, and forever would be Yunho. He was the person he’d poured his entire soul into, the person he’d allowed himself to be vulnerable, and open up in front of over everyone else, the first person he’d truly fallen in love with to the point it had hurt. The very person who had taught him so much - including skateboarding of all things.

Regardless of the situation, time, or even world, it seemed he was always with Yunho. In every single one except his own…

Was that really the message he was supposed to understand? That he was supposed to be with Yunho?

“Hey, you seem like you’re having a bit of trouble there.” Yunho laughs, his breath spiralling into the air in a plume of steam. “Do you...” He continues, glancing away shyly. “I mean, I could teach you? If you wanted me to that is…”

Jaejoong wants to laugh, and after a moment he does, quickly lifting a gloved hand to his mouth, and smothering the sound behind his hand. Yunho laughs along with him, but it’s more awkward, slightly self conscious; almost as though he was suddenly embarrassed for making the offer. But Jaejoong clears the look away, lifting his head back to smile at him softly.

“Yeah.” He accepts, squeezing Yunho’s hand within his. “I’d like that – if you have the time.” Yunho's smile is back in an instant, full blaze, in a way Jaejoong had never had the pleasure of seeing before. He looks so young suddenly, and it suddenly occurs to Jaejoong that he _is_. His face still just a tad chubby with youth, body still lanky and awkward from being caught in the period of teenage growth. His heart is pounding suddenly, mind racing from the idea that they might both still be teenagers in this universe, both caught up within the window of freedom, youth, hormones, and first love.

He hadn’t been Yunho’s first. He didn’t even think he’d Yunho’s second. Yunho had long ago had his first kiss, his first time. Everything had already gone by the time Jaejoong had stepped into his life. Of course, there was no room to bitter over it. He too had already given away his firsts to someone else by the time he’d met Yunho. But that didn’t he hadn’t thought about what it might have been like to have been with an awkward, slightly unsure, and certainly more clueless version of Yunho. The thought of him being so hesitate, so determined to get it right, the picture of him asking if it had been ok, if he’d done it right. Just thinking about it made him smile.

“Of course I have time!” Yunho tells him eagerly, skating back to give Jaejoong room to move. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.” He adds, although Jaejoong can pick out the lie trickling across his face.

Something tells him he would have helped him no matter what he’d been doing. He’d been with Yunho too long to know the signs.

“That’s good then. I think it’s a bit obvious that I don’t know what I’m doing.” Jaejoong says, gesturing down to where his skates are sliding awkwardly over the ice as he struggles to keep his balance.

“You’re in luck then!” Yunho says, expression bright as he jerks a thumb to himself. “I’ve got over 10 years experience.”

Jaejoong laughs again, letting a fond smile fall across his face, head tilting to the side, loose strands of hair falling across his forehead as he does.

“I’m in your hands then - please look after me.”

Yunho does, leading him about the ice rink like a child taking their first steps. He’s careful, gentle, and considerate of both him, and the other people skating around them. Hands are on him the whole time, holding onto him securely in case he slipped, and ready to catch him at a moment’s notice. He slowly begins to get it, under Yunho’s blanket of patience. Little by little he becomes more sure-footed, and less reliant on the safety net that is Yunho.

“You’re doing it, you’re doing it!” Yunho cheers, apparently ecstatic for him, now confident enough to suddenly let go of him.

He'd given him no warning. Hands that had been there one moment are now gone the next after his brief congratulations. Jaejoong finds he’s having to support himself abruptly, arms hurriedly lifting to balance either side of himself. One foot moves in front of the other, pushing through the ice in one fluid stroke, before the other follows. He’s grinning before he can help it, happiness automatically showing on his face as he basks in a small bubble of pride. Feeling confident, he turns, wanting to make his way back to Yunho who’s stood behind him watching on in a glow of delight.

However, balance, or rather any kind of co-ordination, had always been his enemy. He was practically _known_ for his clumsiness after all. So, it shouldn’t have been all that much of a surprise to him when he missteps, or trips, whatever it had been. Cold greets him either way, his butt taking the majority of the fall, and he can feel the bite of it seeping through to his gloves. But it doesn’t hurt, he instead feels accomplished somehow. Especially when Yunho skates back over to him, smile so wide that his teeth are on full display – and oh, they’re crooked, an image that has his lips parting slightly in surprised as Yunho leans down, his hand reaching for him once more.

“I think we need to work a bit more on that balance before we move on to any flashy spins.” Yunho admits, his tone slightly teasing, but still full of pride.

“Y-yeah.” Jaejoong agrees, feeling a burst of nerves in his stomach suddenly, and wave of shyness consumes him enough to make him dip his head to avoid the bright light that is Yunho.

“Hey.” Yunho says gently, kneeling down in front of him. “Don’t worry! Everyone has their tumbles. I mean _I_ still fall all the time – even the pro-skaters do! Don’t let it get to you, let’s just try again.”

Jaejoong laughs, whether it’s at Yunho’s obliviousness, or of the irony of this whole situation, he’s not sure. But he takes Yunho’s hand again, and allows himself to be pulled back up, feet still sliding back and forth a little as he gets his footing.

“That’s it.” Yunho’s says, holding one of Jaejoong’s hands in his, and begins to guide them around the rink.

It doesn’t escape Jaejoong that this is beginning to feel very date like. He wonders if this was planned, if it had been Yunho’s intention, or maybe even his, that they would meet like this, that one of them already knew how bad he was at skating. It feels a little like one of the many dates they’d had during his TVXQ days. Full of sneaky side glances, discreet smiles, and moments that only they knew about.

“This really does kind of feel like a date.” He blurts before he can stop himself, realising that Yunho’s hand holding his is doing a far better job of keeping his hand warm than the gloves wrapped around his fingers.

His words obviously cause a fluster within Yunho, and the near graceful skating they’d been doing before comes to a stop, with Yunho being the one who brings them to a gentle halt. There’s a slight colour to Yunho’s cheeks, a soft smattering of dusty pink that looks oh so adorable to Jaejoong. His eyes are averted from him, his free hand moving to nervously scratch at his cheek.

“ _Cute..._ ” Jaejoong thinks to himself, a smile creeping its way across his lips as he watches Yunho gather himself.

“Well, actually...” Yunho begins to say, shifting his feet back and forth across the ice uselessly. “If you wanted it to be... Well, I wouldn’t mind... If it was, that is.”

Heart now full to bursting, and the biggest grin possible now stretching across his face, with no hand to cover it, Jaejoong leans closer. He peers up at Yunho, close into his personal face, and the slightest hint of teasing expression.

“Are you asking me on a date?” He asks impishly, sliding just a little closer, right up until the point he can clearly see the eyelashes framing Yunho’s now shock rounded eyes.

A surprised squawk sounds from Yunho’s mouth in response, and Jaejoong worries for a second that he might choke over his words. Thankfully he doesn’t though, and instead slides back a step in order to create some distance between them, eyes dropping down again more. The whole thing makes another memory of the past surface to the forefront of Jaejoong’s mind, and he can clearly picture a flustered Yunho from the very early days of their relationship; panicked, and paranoid over every public moment their shared.

The teasing smile on his face softens slowly, curving into more of a gentle glow, and he draws back, feeling a little silly with himself for ache of sadness that follows his brief remembrance.

“Yeah.” A resolute voice replies suddenly, drawing Jaejoong from his tender thoughts. “I am.”

This time it’s Jaejoong who’s shocked, his head swings back to find Yunho’s eyes on him, so full of determination that it takes him by surprise.

Back when they’d first started dating, Jaejoong had found himself always making the first move. He’d be the one to seek Yunho out, the one who’s first smacked a kiss to his lips in the heat of the moment, and the one who’d first suggested them sleeping together. Yunho had always appeared hesitant, unsure, and as though he was holding back whenever it came to any of the more emotional aspect of their relationship.

He’d understood, or at least, he’d tried to. Yunho was their leader, and he’d felt the responsibility that had come with that title. There was always worry behind every action, a fear that ran deep within Yunho that, one day, at any moment, they might get caught. So, Jaejoong had had to learn to live with that. With Yunho always dancing on the edge of their relationship.

Which is why his mind snags for a moment, leaving him standing there rather uselessly with his mouth hung open. There’s a strangled croak that leaves his mouth while he tries to form a response. But he gives up when he sees the disappointed look of regret that blossoms across Yunho’s face, and he realises that actions might speak louder than words at that moment.

So, he kisses him instead.

Even in ice skating boots he’s still shorter than Yunho. Which means he has to reach up with both hands and place them either side of Yunho’s head to tug him down; making it awkward to say the least. Yunho’s naturally taken by surprise, and there’s a startled, albeit muffled, yelp that leaves his mouth just before Jaejoong brings their lips together.

It’s not his first time at a kissing rodeo of course. He’s had more than a few years worth of experience in _that_ particular department, and so from his side the kiss is reasonably well coordinated. However, it slips his mind that _this_ particular Yunho is still young, and inexperienced in the art of kissing. So, when Jaejoong opens his mouth, carried away within the throws of passion, and giddiness of being able to kiss him once more, he finds nothing but tightly pressed lips waiting for him, and the view of Yunho’s eyes screwed up so tight that he looks a tad afraid.

Talk about a mood killer.

Sighing, he pulls back, unable to help himself from smiling when Yunho hesitantly opens his eyes to look at him.

“Wow.” Yunho breathes, nervously reaching to push a hand through his hair. “That was-”

“We’re really going to have to work on your kissing technique.” Jaejoong tells him, his voice stern, and slightly deadpan as he stares Yunho dead in the eyes.

“Oh...” Yunho replies, now looking very much dejected as he stares down at the ice.

Chuckling, Jaejoong reaches for his hand, sliding a little closer to him, and bending down to catch his eyes.

“But, if it’s still ok, I’d like to have that date now.”

The smile on Yunho’s face is worth a lifetime of tight-lipped kisses.

-X-

It’s pitch-black when he opens his eyes, Yoochun's snuffling somewhere beside him, and the clock on the wall tells him that it’s far to early to be awake. He is, however, _wide_ awake, and so he figures that he might as well get up and make a start on the day.

He makes an early start on breakfast, taking his time to chop, slice, and peel the ingredients he needs until everything prepared; and from there, he even makes a point of tidying up the rest of the mess the kitchen he’d managed to amass.

By the time he’s done, Yunho’s getting up for his morning run, donned in dark sweatpants, a baggy sweatshirt, and cap pulled tightly down to hide his face. Something about him dressed up like that already prepped for his morning run sends a zing of anticipation shooting down his spine. He nearly makes the suggestion to go back to bed together, but the reminder of Yoochun still being in there stops him short.

It does however spark an idea, one that has him smiling coyly as Yunho walks over.

“Uh-oh. I don’t like that look.” Yunho chuckles, making himself comfy as he leans against the counter. “Should I be worried?”

“No, not really.” Jaejoong replies, keeping his voice casual, and turns towards to Yunho after switching off the stove. “But, there was something I wanted to ask.”

“And there it is – the sentence that scares me most!” Yunho says, pulling himself back up, chuckling and holding his hands up in mock surrender when he catches Jaejoong’s mean frown. “Ok, what’s up?”

“Don’t shout at me.” Jaejoong says quickly, a pre-warning to the dragon he’s about to unleash. “But I was wondering if you’d come out with me today.”

A frown, slightly punched in confusion, forms across Yunho’s brows. Jaejoong already knows what he’s going to say, and he knows that Yunho’s annoyed that he didn’t remember their tight schedule for today; or so _he_ thinks anyway. There was a lot of perks to knowing someone as long as Jaejoong had Yunho.

“Today? Jaejoong, we have a schedule today. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten?” Yunho asks crisply, folding his arms across his chest, and falling into that stance he took when he was in full leader mode.

“No, I know.” Jaejoong tells him placatingly, holding a hand up to stop Yunho before he can begin one of his disapproving tirades. “It’s just that I’m really starting to get cabin fever being hold up here all the time.” He lies, leaning back against the counter, sighing. “I just need to get out for a while, get from fresh air, relax.”

“Seriously.” Yunho huffs, uncrossing his arms, and levelling his gaze on Jaejoong. “Jae… That’s _really_ not a good enough reason you know. We can’t just leave when we’ve got a schedule planned.”

Jaejoong crosses his arm, a mischievous smile (that he _knows_ is going to make Yunho’s stomach turn with nervousness) playing on his lips.

“Well maybe _you_ can’t.” Jaejoong mocks, lifting his chin in challenge, physically daring Yunho to prove him wrong. “But _I’m_ going – whether you come with me, or not.”

He's likely going to think he’s gone off the deep end; and not for the first time. That flabbergasted expression on his face tells Jaejoong as much. It wasn’t often he'd got the chance to leave Yunho speechless – what with how well the other knew him. He’d always seemed to be one step ahead of him, guessing with ease just exactly what he was up to, and intercepting when he thought Jaejoong was going too far. However, it had always been a treat when he did get the chance to stun him.

Right on cue, as though a brick had been dropped, Yunho’s face falls, and then twists into something displeased. His hand moves to his face, massaging his temple in slow circles; apparently frustrated. No doubt having reached his daily limit of Jaejoong’s whims already.

“Don’t be stupid.” He snips, turning his eyes to Jaejoong once more to level him with a pointed expression that holds no room for nonsense. “If SM catch wind of it, they’ll string you up faster than you’ll be able to piece together one of your clever excuses.”

He’s not wrong. Jaejoong knows the trouble it will cause. But he’s already done it a handful of times now, and he’d never felt the direct aftermath of it – so he’s hardly scared of that threat at this point.

“Besides,” Yunho goes onto say, folding his arm back across his chest. “Why are you so insistent on going out anyway? We might have some free time this weekend. Avex are proving to be a hell of a lot more generous when it comes to handing out rest periods. So surely it doesn’t _have_ to be today.”

Jaejoong smiles bitterly to himself, ducking his head to hide the expression from Yunho’s imploring eyes. He can’t expect him to understand, nor can he hope to explain it to him. Whatever was going off with him was far beyond anything he could hope to have Yunho wrap his mind around. He didn’t fancy waking up in an insane asylum again.

“No.” Jaejoong replies firmly, looking back to Yunho wistfully. “It _has_ to be today.”

He’s unsure on what it had been. His tone, the soft, almost sad, expression on his face, or the sagged, slightly defeated, way he was holding himself. But Yunho gives under the weight of it, sighing regretfully, likely already knowing that no amount of pushing was going to move him.

“Wait here.” Yunho tells him, expression firm. “I’ll get my jacket.”

“Wha-”

Yunho turns back to him, rolling his eyes over his shoulder.

“Well I can’t let you go alone, can I?” Yunho tells him, the most displeased of frowns carving its way across his face.

Jaejoong lets a smile creep across his lips, please at the knowledge that he’d won.

“Don’t get me wrong though.” Yunho adds casually, having caught Jaejoong’s budding victory smile. “You can explain to our manager why you thought it appropriate to ditch – and when you do, you can count me out of the equation.”

Shrugging, Jaejoong turns away to fish out the plainest of face masks, and oversized hoodie that he owns. It won’t really be his problem after all, he thinks to himself as he pulls the hoodie over his head, indulging Yunho in the task of allowing him to hook the loops of his face mask over his ears. By the time their manager caught up to them, he’d more than likely be long gone, and waking up in a new future.

 

He’s starting to appreciate little backstreet cafes all the more, and it makes him yearn for his own little café back home in his own timeline. While he already knew that he loved the place, having placed a little part of himself into the design and final construction. Sitting in this café, so unlike his own, makes him realise just how much he misses it. He’s already got an A4 sized list of new blends and flavours that he wants to add to the menu, and that itch to get back and try them out is buzzing just under his skin.

It’s an itch that’s hard to scratch though, given the circumstances, and so he settles for watching Yunho blow a plume of steam from his own coffee cup across from him instead. His other half looks especially dashing, what with his scarf pulled up just over his chin, and cap down low enough to cover as much of his face as he can. Jaejoong had had to talk him out of donning a pair of shades before they’d left. It would have only served to draw attention to them, and anyway, who an earth wore shades on an overcast day (unless they were up to no good)?

“So, are you going to tell me what this is all about? Or am I supposed to keep guessing?” Yunho asks him, breaking the silence he’d been maintaining since they’d first stepped into the café.

Jaejoong leans back in his chair, lifting his mug to his lips. There wasn’t a particular reason for wanting to skip schedules. He’s just exhausted his options with living the same day over and over again, and had become something beyond the spectrum of bored. Not to mention he was feeling desperate for change. Of course, it wasn’t like he could tell Yunho that.

Or could he? He eyes the large glass window of the café, taking another sip of his coffee pensively. He supposes he _could_ – in a roundabout way anyway.

“I was thinking.” He finally says, placing down the mug in his hands to the table.

“Uh-oh.” Yunho cuts in, heaving a sigh, and mirroring Jaejoong's position by leaning back in his chair too. “Should I be worried?”

Hiding a laugh behind his hand, Jaejoong rolls his eyes at him, reaching across the table in front of them to lightly slap his hand against Yunho's arm. It garners him a playful look in return, one that has Jaejoong meeting it with a challenging smirk. It quickly falls away though, as his mind settles back to his earlier thoughts, and he ends up distractedly running his finger around the rim of his coffee mug.

“Well, it was more of a question really – a hypothetical one.” Jaejoong explains, briefly flicking his gaze to Yunho before dropping it down to the dark pool of coffee. “What would you do if you found yourself repeating a specific day in your past over and over again? But not just that, the day in particular was also one that lead to an awful decision being made, and no matter how much you try to avoid it, and change things for the better, the outcome always leads to a far worse future.”

He lifts his head finally, waiting as silence stretches between them. Yunho’s face is thoughtful, but Jaejoong can pick out the confusion colouring the tight furrow of his brow. It’s obvious he’s intrigued to know the thoughts behind Jaejoong’s abrupt, and rather _deep_ , question. Although, he seems in the mood to humour him, and with a low hum buzzing from the back of his throat, he fixes Jaejoong with an inquisitive expression.

“What is it exactly that’s special about the day - is it anything in particular?” Yunho asks, folding his hands under his chin.

Jaejoong shakes his head.

“Not really, it’s a regular day. It’s just you can’t change the outcome of what comes after.”

“And that “outcome” is always bad? No matter what?”

“Yes.”

“Life threateningly bad?”

“Sometimes… Not always… It depends on the actions taken. But in the original future no, no one dies.”

Yunho leans back again, humming again in thought, and letting his eyes drift up to the ceiling. He seems to be taking it seriously, despite the randomness of the question. It makes Jaejoong’s chest clutch with a warm burst of affection. He can’t but feel cherished when Yunho humours him like this, and takes a quick sip of his drink to distract himself from smiling like an idiot at the realisation. He does after all want Yunho to keep taking him seriously.

“Perhaps it’s not about changing the outcome of the day.” Yunho suddenly says, making Jaejoong glance back to him.

“What do you mean?” Jaejoong asks, lowing the mug from his lips again, now confused himself.

“Well, sometimes bad things happen, despite how much we struggle to avoid them. It probably sounds cruel, and a tad dismissive – but it’s true. Life is full of ups and down, trials and tribulations. We can choose to grow from them, and push forward, becoming stronger and wiser. Or, we can dwell on them, and become trapped in the past, bitter, unhappy, and more often than not, blinded to the world around us.”

Jaejoong thinks on his words, finding himself unusually quiet as he stews. He understands what Yunho’s trying to say. But…

“Could you really let it be though? Just let it happen, even though you know it’s going to lead to an unhappy future?” He can’t help but ask, frowning when he hears how desperate he sounds.

Yunho laughs, seemingly at Jaejoong’s reaction, and leans forward again, his eyes bright.

“Yes, life is full of both good and bad events. Just look as us! We’ve had bad times before, right? Sometimes you have to live through those bad events to get to the good ones. If we had changed those events too much, then we might not have been together now, right?” Yunho points out, and Jaejoong knows exactly what events he’s talking about, and glances away from him mournfully.

He doesn’t want to think about that – especially not now. The image of Yunho taking a sip from that bottle, of him being rushed to the hospital, of him lying there in that bed, of sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair waiting for what felt like an eternity for news of how he was, and then eventually being allowed to see him only to find him looking so small and pale against the bedsheets; so closely touched by the cold fingers of death. His hands ball into fists, and he grits his teeth to stop himself from saying something scathing. Even after this long, he still could find it within him to understand why Yunho hadn’t pressed charges.

But…

Yunho was right, it was that event that had finally pushed them into confessing, and Jaejoong can remember himself still so young, so tired from days spent at Yunho’s bedside, lacking in both sleep and basic selfcare due to worry. His heart pushed to the limit with worry, anger, and panic that he’d found himself rambling from the lack of brain to mouth filter – which was thin on an average day. Somewhere along the line confessions had fallen from their lips, both of them worse for wear, admitting things they likely normally wouldn’t have.

Despite himself, he smiles. Such a tragic memory had given birth to such happiness.

“See.” Yunho says gently, having seen the small smile, and warm glow that was slowly starting to encompass Jaejoong’s face. “It’s better to improve on the present instead of giving chase, and trying to fix, the past. After all, it’s the present that paves the way to the future.”

Stunned, Jaejoong sits for a moment, staring at Yunho with a wide-eyed look of wonder. Was this what he was supposed to realise? That changing the past wasn’t what he should be aiming for, but bettering the present instead?

Even it was, that still didn’t tell him how to get back to his own timeline though. He was still stuck in the past until he figured out the right combination of events to move on from this cursed day.

“But even then.” Jaejoong continues, his voice light with uncertainty. “That still doesn’t solve how to break the repeating cycle of the same day.” He murmurs, caging both hands around the warmth of the coffee mug.

Again, Yunho brings Jaejoong’s attention back to him, a light bubble of laughter falling from his lips. Jaejoong frowns at him for it admonishingly, raising an eyebrow when Yunho only offers him a fond look.

“Well that’s the thing about the past Jae.” He says knowingly. “It’s already been lived through once, hasn’t it? The events are fixed. So, with that in mind, what do you think needs to happen?”

The glass breaks, an idea born, one that he’d never once thought to consider. Was it really that simple?

“I think it’s more about acceptance than anything else.” Yunho adds, closing his eyes to enjoy another sip of his drink.

He’s right, Jaejoong realises, casting his eyes back down to the dark pool of remaining coffee within his mug. Admitting that, however, left him with one glaring question. Was acceptance something that he was ready to face?

 

“I hope today was worth the grilling we’re going to get from SM as soon as they set up that meeting.” Yunho says as he opens the door to the dorm.

Jaejoong doesn’t reply as he follows him in quietly, still stuck within his own mind as a ponders over their earlier conversation in the coffee shop. He chews his lip, pretending to look apprehensive in the face of Yunho’s warning, so as not to give himself away to the fact that he hadn’t really been paying much attention to what he’s been saying. If it wasn’t the thousandth time he’d heard the threat of grilling meetings with SM’s management, then he _might_ have been a little more concerned. But by now he’d lived though far too many to really feel the full weight of the threat; he _had_ been to court due to them after all.

So, he wasn’t all that worried, and the time hopping mumbo jumbo meant that he wouldn’t have to deal with their high and mighty bullshit in person anyway. _Wow_ , had he really just discovered a plus to this weird pseudo super power?

“I think it was worth it.” He decides, more to himself than Yunho, glancing over when he hears the other snort as his answer.

“Tell that to SM when they decide to put us on watch.” Yunho replies dryly, phone already in his hand, more than likely checking for scathing texts from their Korean management team.

Jaejoong rolls his eyes at the thought, already knowing that they likely weren’t above the idea.

They’d just come back from a meeting with their Japanese management, the very meeting where the potential online meeting with SM had first surfaced from. Their morning disappearance obviously had not gone down well, and they’d been dragged directly to the company as soon as they’d stepped foot across the threshold of the dorm. Not the mention the fact that the text Yunho had sent earlier in the day to tell them that they’d both gone out had been met with a flurry of phone calls and panicked texts, which had all gone ignored; and had hardly helped their situation. They’d then both turned off their phones off after that, not wanting to deal with the onslaught of calls both from their management, and members.

Junsu, Yoochun, and Changmin had apparently made the decision that they’d both gone mad, if the lucrative stares they’d been on the receiving end were anything to go by. But what had surprised Jaejoong, and slightly insulted him, was the fact they they’d made the rather offhand statement that it was something that they had expected from Jaejoong, but not Yunho – a rather brash declaration to make indeed, and one that has had them graced with Jaejoong’s best miffed expressions. He’d seen to it that he’d justly threatened to withhold his cooking services if they said anything more, which had sent them scattering pretty quick; Changing being the first. There was no way Changing was going to risk not having a full plate of home cooked goodness sat in front of him.

“I’m sure it won’t come to that.” Jaejoong says gently, walking to Yunho’s side to place a hand to his arm, slowly sliding his fingers down until they tangle within his fingers. “They don’t have the time to babysit us 24/7.”

Something flickers across Yunho’s face, his eyes watching Jaejoong closely, as though he were waiting for an opportunity to do something. The whiplash change in appearance causes Jaejoong to mentally pull back for a moment, trying to unravel the meaning behind his expression.

Had he said something wrong? He doesn’t _think_ so... Yunho was normally quick to make a verbal comment to him when he did. So…

It’s then he connects the dots, his eyes blowing wide. Yunho was giving him _that_ look.

_Oh._

His hands reach for Yunho’s collar, body surging forward, and pulling Yunho along with him. He already knows what he’s got to do, and if that really was the answer, then he at least wanted this last future with Yunho.

The door to his bedroom hits the wall with a solid bang, Jaejoong soon following as he pressed up against it, Yunho’s larger frame keeping him in place against it as he makes short work of placating him with bruising kisses. A short noise pulls from the back of his throat, something between a sigh and a moan as he arcs his head back. Whatever it is, it causes Yunho to grab at him, placing a hand to the back of his neck and tilting his head to the side ever so slightly.

Jaejoong’s hands are on Yunho’s clothes, pulling, and pushing them away, all fingers and thumbs, and very eager to press against warm flesh. He wishes he could just rip through his damn clothes entirely; just like in those trashy romance movies his sisters had forced him to sit through during his teenage years when they’d had the choice of what movie to watch. However, he knows the moment he did, Yunho would cease all sexy activity, and more than likely shout at him for ruining yet another shirt.

Though, he pleased to find that he’s not the only one who’s eager for more, a shiver of delight rushing down his spine when Yunho leans down to lift him up and wrap Jaejoong’s legs around his waist. He rolls his hips against Yunho’s groin in retaliation, revelling in smug pride with a matching grin to match, when Yunho hisses a soft curse against his skin. It’s always a plus to realise that he’s still got it – even with all the time that’s passed between them.

He slots his lips back to Yunho’s again, giving as good as he’s getting while Yunho walks them backwards across the room towards one of the beds shoved up against the wall. It’s all so quick, rushed kisses, and fumbled movements as they fall back against the mattress, poor Yunho taking most of the impact as he lets Jaejoong plant a knee either side of his hips. Jaejoong’s not complaining though. Such a position allows him to take full advantage of the high ground, his fingers hooking into the folds of Yunho’s jeans, and making short work of the zipper; all while keeping Yunho’s normally sensible mouth busy with his own.  It’s not particularly difficult, and Jaejoong had become rather practiced over the years, having done this routine so many times before, each so quickly and urgently as they fought not to be caught. Which is why he’s not at all surprised when he finds himself so suddenly with a handful of Yunho’s erect cock.

Fingers nimbly work their way around the warm flesh, handling it with firm familiarity. He knows it about as well as he knows his own, meaning he own exactly how to have Yunho falling to pieces within minutes – to the point where he’s moderately pleased with how easily it all comes rushing back to him. Even more so when he begins to see the sight of pre-cum blooming at the head of Yunho’s cock.

“Someone’s eager…” Jaejoong smirks, leaning down to nip at the sensitive spot beneath Yunho’s ear, drawing back to fix Yunho with heady, half mast, eyes.

“Y-yeah, you would be too if you were on the receiving end of a 5-star hand job.” Yunho murmurs, hissing when Jaejoong jerks his wrist suddenly, his eyes squeezing shut, and hips jolting upwards.

“Hm, 5-star eh?” Jaejoong teases, grinning broadly when Yunho’s shoots him a warning look through narrowed eyes.

“Hurry up already.” Yunho grits, letting out a guttural moan. “Do you want to get caught?” He then asks, shooting a nervous look towards the door.

“Why are you so worried? The members already know that we’re togeth-”

“I’m not talking about them.” Yunho cuts in, his eyes far beyond that steady warning look he’d been wearing before – they’re serious now, if not a little disappointed. “You _know_ who I mean.” He says, now a little apologetic as he reaches up to brush away a stray strand of hair from Jaejoong’s face.

“ _Management_.” Jaejoong summarises to himself, dropping his gaze from Yunho, his hand falling a little slack around Yunho’s cock.

He remembers the stress that came with each of their private moments, whether it was short stolen kisses, or quick romps within the sheets. There had always been that element of danger that had had them hurried and cutting things premature. He couldn’t remember a time when he’d been able to take his time with Yunho, drag it out, and thoroughly enjoy a moment. They’d instead rushed it all, running toward the finish line, and chasing their release, before cobbling together their clothes, and moving on. There was always the worry of being walked in on, and not just by the higher ups, but for their members sakes too.

While they were ok with knowing that they were dating, and more than likely sexually involved, both Jaejoong, and Yunho had still not wanted to have them walking in on them, and potentially making things awkward. The group had always had to come first after all. Something Jaejoong had both knew, and fully respected in the past.

Moments, and words like Yunho had just spoken, would always bring that rushing back. It makes Jaejoong frown, now wanting nothing more than to just ignore about it all for as long as he could.

“Can we not just forget about that for a while?” He asks, dropping his expression into a saddened look, one that he hopes will pull the right cords with Yunho.

“Jae-” Yunho sighs, more than likely about to launch off into another lecture.

“Just for tonight…” Jaejoong pushes, leaning down to drop his head to Yunho’s shoulder. “Just one night.”

He’s not sure what he’s expecting Yunho to say to that. Part of him hopes that he’ll go along with it, and when he spies that look of resignation on his face, combined with a sigh of surrender, he can’t stop the smile that lights his face.

“Why do I always give into you?” Yunho asks, dropping his head back against the pillows behind him.

“Because you love me?” Jaejoong answers automatically, surprisingly himself for a moment with the fleeting feeling of déjà vu that creeps up over him.

“Hm, is that it?” Yunho hums to himself, reaching up to run his fingers through Jaejoong’s hair again. “Why did I fall in love with you?” He then asks, smiling when Jaejoong stares at him with wide eyes, watching his lips falling open to form a perfect ‘O’ shape in shock.

“ _No matter how much time has passed. I thought that you would always be here…_ ”

“ _But you have chosen a different road._ ”

“ _Did I?_ ” Jaejoong thinks to himself, eyes dropping down to his hand pressed against the bare skin of Yunho’s chest.

“Jae?” Yunho calls gently, carefully brushing his knuckle across his cheek, concern lacing his words.

Jaejoong clutches his hand within his own, keeping it pressed against his cheek, and closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to walk a different path to Yunho – as much as he knows that that’s where he’s heading. He can’t salvage this echo of the past now. It had long gone past the point of the argument already, and unless Jaejoong marched out into the living room right now and started off the fireworks himself, it was never going to happen this time round. Which meant that this was perhaps the one last opportunity to live the future in any way he wanted to.

He opens his eyes, smiling down at Yunho tenderly, and delights in the look of awe he finds there.

“I’m going to stay with you.” He tells him resolutely. “No matter what.”

The awed look on Yunho’s face lasts a moment longer, before faltering, and in its place rolls an amused expression of befuddlement. He tips his head back against the pillows again, body quaking with that squeaky laugh that was so uniquely his.

“Of course!” Yunho finally says, still winding down his chuckles. “Where else would you go?” He asks brightly, stroking a thumb across Jaejoong’s cheek affectionately.

Jaejoong pouts at him, feeling a touch disheartened that his heartfelt declaration hadn’t had quite had the impact he’d been hoping for; though he’d strongly deny that it was anything but a pout.

“Hm, maybe I’ll go and find someone who’s more appreciative of my heart then!” Jaejoong frowns, making sure to pin Yunho’s hands down by his head, leaning over him in what he hopes is a dominating pose.

His words trigger Yunho’s jealously, something that had always been bubbling under the surface when Jaejoong made flippant comments on broadcasts, or unknowingly captured the attention of a brave MC, or special guest who gotten far too close for comfort. It didn’t take much to have it raising its head, and Jaejoong could already see the tell-tale signs of the green eyed, possessive, monster from the tightness of Yunho’s jaw.

“You wouldn’t…” Yunho dares, frowning up at him, his hands balling into fists.

“Wouldn’t I~?” Jaejoong asks back playfully, leaning down a little closer to bump his nose against Yunho’s.

“Nope!” Yunho cries suddenly, pushing back with his full strength, and sending Jaejoong onto his back, with Yunho falling a top of him, crushing him into the mattress, despite Jaejoong’s yelp of surprise.

“Yunho!” Jaejoong wines from beneath him. “Ah! You’re heavy…” He sighs, pushing at his head.

“You’re staying right here with me, right?” Yunho asks him, his voice slightly muffled against Jaejoong’s skin.

A heaviness settles in Jaejoong’s chest, much like a lead weight, cold, and dense. It makes him ball a hand into the back of Yunho’s dress shirt still hanging open off his frame. He nods stiffly, dropping his head into the crook of his neck.

“It’s like you said.” He replies. “Where else would I go?”

“ _At least one more time you’ll be my first choice._ ”

-X-

“Don’t wake him yet.”

“But I’m hungry...”

“Then grab something on the way.”

“But Jaejoong’s cooking is better!”

Rolling over onto his stomach, Jaejoong stares at the ceiling, wondering just what he’d done last night to feel so painfully grim, and just what kind of future he’d spun himself this time round.

Judging from the voices at least, it seemed that Yunho, and Changmin, were at least still around. Of course, that didn’t mean that he was holding his breath for a happy ending; he’d fallen prey to that trick too many times already.

Still groggy from sleep, he lifts a hand to his forehead, closing his eyes again as he squints against the bright rays of daylight that are starting to sting his eyes like the burning laser beams of death that was the light of the sun. The last time he’d felt this bad was back during his 21st birthday after a night long drinking session which had ended sometime after 5 o'clock in the morning, and a following 8am lecture from the highest level of management in SM. He’d have liked to have referred to it as good times. But then he remembers the following photoshoot they’d had to attend, and the way he hadn’t quite been able to focus his vision without the world tilting on its axis. Not to mention the headache that had lasted for three days, and the snide comments from Yunho regarding his insensitive party animal ways each time he’d had to down a glass a water and three painkillers in an effort to not walk around like a diagnosed alcoholic trying to live their best life.

So, not so good times?

“Jaejoong!” A loud voice yells, the sound of doors slamming wide open following.

He grips his head, wincing as it throbs at the noise, and narrows his eyes towards the source of his discomfort.

He’s mildly surprised to see Changing standing there, a thoroughly unimpressed look donning his annoyingly attractive face – and _God_ , why Changmin always look like he’s just walked straight out of a photoshoot?

“What do you-”

“Are you planning on staying in bed all day?” Changing asks, arching an eyebrow at him. “I thought you handled your alcohol better than this? Are you getting old?” He then asks, a sly smile sliding into place.

Ah, so that’s what he’d been doing last night. He groans, the thought of drinking making his stomach turn. He knows he won’t actually _be_ sick though. Despite his love of partying, drinking, and general all-nighters spent in various clubs, he’d never once succumb to upchucking. It was... A blessing really. One that his friends, and members alike, had been painfully jealous over.

He just wished the same could he said about him feeling the effects of morning after hangovers.

A laugh comes from in front of him, loud, and annoyingly obnoxious. Ah, yes, the very person who _didn’t_ suffer from said hangovers was still present. He shoots a dark look in Changmin's direction, though he thinks the effect might be slightly dampened thanks to the baby pink sleeping mask that chooses that moment in particular to slide down his face to conceal his eyes.

“Pff-!” Is the rather mangled noise that comes from Changmin as he attempts, very poorly, to hide his amusement. “Here I was thinking that it wasn’t possible for you to look more a state then you did last night!”

Jaejoong yanks the eye mask from his face, attempting again to shoot another dark look Changmin’s way irritably. Damn, his head _really_ hurt, and Changmin’s snarky comments were _not_ helping.

“What state?” He snips, gaze sliding to the doorway as Yunho, who looking particularly wonderful as always, walks through with a steaming mug in hand.

“Oh? You don’t remember?” Changmin replies coyly, setting himself on the end of the bed, a Cheshire Cat smile slotting into place as he gears up. “That’s not like you~” He adds playfully.

“It wasn’t that bad.” Yunho cuts in, offering Jaejoong the mug with a sympathetic smile. “Don’t tease him Changmin – otherwise I’ll revoke Jaejoong’s breakfast service from you for good.”

“What?!” Changmin whines loudly. “Yunho! That’s not fair! You really _were_ bad last night Jaejoong!” He protests, turning back to Jaejoong, and thumping his hand down on the bed. “You were so drunk that you forgot that Yunho was your boyfriend and asked him if he was single! Then when he said he wasn’t you started crying!”

Jaejoong’s face warms considerably, and he chokes on his tea as processes what Changmin had just said, continuing to hack up as Yunho begins to tap his back.

“I-I what?” He manages to croak out between coughs.

“It’s true!” Changmin insists. “You wouldn’t stop whining about it, and were getting really loud, so we had to take you home. But you continued being a handful, and _I_ had to come home with you guys to help Yunho out. Only _someone_ fell asleep in the taxi on the way back, so we had to lug your ass up to Yunho’s, and your, apartment. Course, I insisted on staying over after that on the grounds that I was going to get an apology breakfast for my trouble.” He explains, crossing his arms tiresomely. “I had to hold open a fair few doors while Yunho carried you up, you know!”

“How awful for you…” Jaejoong murmurs sarcastically, swilling down the last few dregs of his tea, before giving Yunho a appreciative smile.

“Hey! I still want breakfast!” Changmin continues to whine, tapping the bedsheets again in an attempt to grab Jaejoong’s attention.

“Yeah, yeah…” Jaejoong agrees, waving a hand at him, a sign for him to leave and let him at least get himself somewhat clothed.

It seemed that someone (Yunho), had taken the liberty of at least removing the clothes he’d been out and about in last night; something he’s pleased about considering his past record of spilling drinks, often down himself by accident, when drunk. So, if Changmin’s to be believed, then those clothes are at best speckled with stray spillages.

Changmin, thankfully, gets the message though, and with a short announcement that he’ll be waiting in the living room, he disappears out of the bedroom altogether, leaving Jaejoong, and Yunho alone.

Jaejoong frowns suddenly, narrowing his eyes as he stares straight ahead at the wall.

“Did I really forget that we’re dating?” He asks, voice tense.

Beside him Yunho laughs, leaning down to press a kiss to his cheek.

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t too offended.”

 

Begrudgingly, he forces himself from the warmth of bed, and ends up putting on a spread for both Changmin, and Yunho. He himself forgoes breakfast, his stomach vehemently protesting against the idea of food. A decision that perks Yunho’s concern, and has Changmin reaching across the table for seconds – with an excuse that he should get Jaejoong’s portion. Jaejoong let him, rolling his eyes as he begins to gather up the beginnings of the dirty dishes, already filling up the sink with hot water when he feels a hand slide across his lower back.

“You sure you’re goanna be ok today?” Yunho asks him, his fingers still massaging his lower back in gentle movements.

“I’ll be fine.” Jaejoong laughs, tilting his head to look at him. “Besides, there’s not much you can do right? A schedule is a schedule.”

“Ah, yeah, I suppose you’re right.” Yunho agrees. “But SM is a little more lenient these days, so-”

Jaejoong turns back to the sink, a bitter smile on his face as Yunho’s voice blurs into the background. He’d figured something like this might have happened when he’d awoken to Yunho, Changmin’s voices; plus, they’d yet to mention Junsu, and Yoochun. Something similar had happened before, in one of the other timelines he’d managed to screw up. But that one had been full of sadness from the off, with an agitated Changmin, and brooding Yunho. Here however, the future seemed far brighter than before.

“Hey, we’d better get going! Managers coming for us in 10.” Changmin calls, forcing Jaejoong to snap back to reality, his eyes staring down at his hands still submerged in the warm water he’d been washing up the plates in before.

“Got it!” Yunho calls, kissing the top of Jaejoong’s head, and moving to fetch his jacket. “Come on Jaeji.”

“Right...” Jaejoong replies softly, reaching to drain the water from the sink slowly, frowning as the water spirals away.

 

They’d always been a small part of himself that had wondered into the realms of “what if” when it came to the split, and while he’d _never_ admit it aloud (especially to Yoochun, and Junsu), he’d often found himself entertaining the small voice at the back of his mind that had posed the question of “what would have happened if you’d have stayed at SM?” with quiet curiosity. His brain had speculated that all would have continued as it had for Yunho, and Changmin, and the modest part of himself told him that him being there wouldn’t have changed _anything_. But then the selfish part of him had reared its head in outrage, and Jaejoong had given into the fact that it would have changed _everything_ for _him_ rather than _them_.

Such as now, as he walks into a press conference crowed between the tall figures of Yunho, and Changmin with a sickening feeling of nerves vibrating through him. Cameras flash left and right as they walk out onto the stage, photographers asking for them to turn left, right, then back to the front.

Both Yunho, and Changmin handle it with ease, turning gracefully, faces moulded into comfortable smiles, and each with a hand folded into a fist as they raise them in the classic “ _Hwaiting!_ ” pose. He tries to mirror their enthusiasm, but he can already tell that his smile is sitting awkwardly on his face, all teeth, and too much strain in his cheeks. He curses himself belatedly, embarrassed as he pulls his face back into a more neutral look, titling his head to flick his fringe from his face to hide the sudden change in facial expression.

It feels _weird_ to be there, stood between them, in front of the press - the very media who had hounded them for months after the split. It’s becomes especially difficult as the trio are gestured to take their seats finally, and Jaejoong realises that he no longer has anywhere else to look. The media before them all look so eager, settling down, and pulling recorders to captures their answers, and Jaejoong’s stomach rolls as he wonders just how he’s going to get through this with such little information to go on from this timeline.

Does he still go by the name Hero Jaejoong? Was he still the lead singer? What was the concept, the track title even? He has no idea on how to even begin to answer those questions, and a bubble of nausea burns inside him as their conference co-ordinator settles everyone in with the final greetings.

He takes his chance while he can, and leans in towards Yunho beside him, leeching a small amount of comfort from his other half while he can reasonably get away with it. The move doesn’t go unnoticed though, and it’s not long before he feels lips brushing against his ear, a shiver tingling down his skin.

“You alright?” Yunho asks, and Jaejoong can see Yunho’s gaze on him from the corner of his eyes.

“Y-yeah.” He replies meekly, keeping his head down, only to flinch a moment later when he feels the touch of a hand underneath the table take his, and gently rub soothing circles against his skin.

“You sure? You seem oddly nervous this time round.” Yunho chuckles, trying to be discreet.

“No, I’m good.” Jaejoong tells him, then pauses as his mind attempts mental gymnastics in an effort to put something reasonable in place to not make a complete and utter fool of himself in front of the paparazzi, and most importantly his members. “Actually, just so we’re clear.” He starts, turning properly towards him this time. “Are you introducing the album?”

Yunho furrows his eyebrows, looking a mix of concerned and confused.

“I thought we’d already been over this?” He says in confusion. “ _You’re_ doing that.”

Jaejoong fumbles, smiling a little awkwardly at him. So much for playing dumb. It seemed like he was going to have be a little more deliberate.

“Would you mind doing it instead?” He asks sweetly, pushing his best hopeful smile to his face.

“Wha- Why?” Yunho stammers, blinking owlishly at him. “Why are you so nerv-” Yunho goes to say, and then stops as Jaejoong keeps on looking at him with that pushing smile. “Ah, ok sure. I’ll do it.” He finally gives, turning away, only to jerk his head back to him a moment later. “But you’re doing the comeback aspirations section!”

Jaejoong grins broadly, nodding his head, and reaches out to fiddle with a paper cup in front of him. He can do that. It’s essentially just a string of pretty words in which they talk about wanting to make a positive comeback which all their fans will enjoy, and that they’ve worked really hard on the new album to challenge themselves in ways they haven’t before in the hopes of showing a new side to themselves. Then cut. Nothing more needed to be said.

Anyone could do that. He just hopes he doesn’t get roped into giving a song demonstration…

“Ok, we’re going to be taking questions now.” Their conference MC saying cheerfully, all bright smiles as he turns to them. “Please introduce yourselves first!”

Yunho immediately melts into smile beside him, dropping his head forward into a polite bow before picking up his microphone in front of him.

“Hello, I’m TVXQ’s leader, Uknow Yunho.” Yunho says brightly, smiling when the cameras begin to flash erratically, all eager to get the best shot.

Knowing he’s next, Jaejoong hesitantly picks up his own mic, and smiles weakly towards the sea of flashing lights.

“Hello, I’m Jaejoong.” He hears himself say quietly, deciding to simply go with his own name rather than the additional name SM had graced him with; after all he’d dropped it many times before the split, what harm would it do now?

“Hello, I’m TVXQ's Choikang Changmin.” Changmin follows, bowing his head, and Jaejoong belatedly kicks himself for not having bowed himself.

Almost as a sort of punishment, Jaejoong keeps his head down as much as he knows he get away with, lifting it only when Yunho begins to speak about the new album, trying to soak up as much as he can – which admittedly isn’t much. But he clings to the keywords that Yunho’s says, the title songs a pop song with electric synthase feel, with the other tracks on the album having various colours. The MC teasingly asks for Yunho to give a demonstration, but Yunho quickly declines, smiling perfectly, and cheekily quipping that they’ll have to wait until the tracks released. It’s all very cute, and has Jaejoong thinking back to their various showcases from before, not just the ones when TVXQ had been a 5 piece group, but also the JYJ fan meetings and press conferences. He bites his lip, a melancholy feeling of longing filling him up inside. He suddenly misses that, the feeling of joking around, and having fun with new music, the excitement of watching fans react to their new material, and staying up well into the earlier hours just to see the raw reaction from people around them.

It’s not something he’s felt for a long time. These days he’s focused on his own solo career, and working with only a small team around him. He’d lost the feeling of having members beside it seemed, instead leaving himself lonely. It wasn’t so much that he hated working alone, in fact there were genuinely nice aspects to it. The feeling of knowing that if he messed anything up, then it was only though fault of his own, and being able to only have to rely on his own creative input was nice too. There was no squabbling over which track was the title track, and which songs were even going to make it onto the album.

But there was no comradery anymore. No one to turn to and share that pure moment of success after ever triumphant comeback. There was staff, sure, and they all were eager to share in the fruits of his labour, quickly grouping around him and keen to offer their congratulations.

It wasn’t the same though. Nothing could ever be the same as having those who had been right up there beside you singing, dancing, and generally putting their all into the performance along side you. Nothing could be the same as suffering alongside each other with the same strict diet, the same late hours, and lack of sleep leading up that fateful, and sometimes dreaded, comeback date. There was truly nothing like it, especially when that unbelievable win was announced, and you were stood beside each other with matching expressions of shock, falling into each other for tight hugs, and gobsmacked examinations of “us?” when your name was called out.

Yes, Jaejoong does miss it, which is why he revels in the feeling that blooms in his chest when the three of exchange smiles between them at Yunho’s cheeky suggestion, and Jaejoong even reaches out his hand, slapping it lightly against Yunho’s arm, and shocking himself at the warmth he feels from the mischievous smile curving across Yunho’s face. Ah, there it was, he thinks to himself, a shy happiness taking flight within him.

He misses it, he misses it, he really misses it…

-X-

A light breeze kisses across his skin, cooling blanket warmed skin, and rousing him from what had felt like a deep sleep. He feels refreshed, as though he’s been stretched paper thin before, and was now properly rested. Which was weird, considering that he’d been on break for a while, a simple scattering of meetings was all that was littering his schedule at the moment, thankfully nothing like the heavy agenda that usually accompanied a busy comeback.

Nothing to do but relax, he thinks to himself, taking in a deep breath, stretching out his arms, and groaning as his body settles again against soft pillows. Laughter, soft, and ever so slightly nasally rings, and confused, Yunho opens his eyes to find the source; a slight glint of panic spiking when he realises that he doesn’t recognise it as Changmin’s.

Hadn’t he crashed at Changmin’s last night? Had a rogue fan broken in?

Wearily he glances about the room, frowning when he doesn’t recognise Changmin’s living room – the place where he’d thought he’d cheekily made his sleeping quarters last night. Worse still, he feels his whole-body lurch, heart springing to his throat when he finds the source of the giggling from before.

“Oh? Are you finally awake?”

Yunho chokes on air suddenly, unable to force words from his mouth as he sits bolt upright to stare in mute shock, and forcing himself to take a breath. There, to his disbelief, at the end of the bed, dressed tight black jeans, a simple t-shirt, and an oversized hoodie jacket, was the once (maybe still) love of his life, Kim Jaejoong.

Something clenches painfully in his chest at the sight of him, a cold feeling that spread up to his throat and throbs, making his eyes feel close to watering. He’s not the same as he’d last seen splashed across glossy magazines in passing, or shining within the glow of the odd online video he’d caught. No, he seems younger, face just a tad fuller, and eyes brighter under the dim lights hanging above – glowing with a similar grace to how he remembers him from the past.

Was he… Dreaming?

It wouldn’t be the first time he’d found himself having nightly wanders back to the past. However, that being said, they had never felt this feel, nor had he ever felt so in control before. Wasn’t there a word for it? Lunitic dreaming? Lumid dreaming? No, that didn’t seem right…

“Hey, are you still half asleep?” Jaejoong asks him, pulling Yunho’s gaze back to him leaning forward, a cheeky smile on his face as he steps closer to him, stopping at the right-hand side of the bed.

Slowly, Yunho reaches out from him, unable to stop himself, and feeling curious; eager to confirm that Jaejoong is real for him. Jaejoong doesn’t stop him, and Yunho’s fingers end up curled around his wrist, tugging him closer. He feels solid under his touch, and he gasps as he brings him closer to him, pulling him until Jaejoong comes to kneel on the bed beside him.

“Come on already!” Jaejoong whines, righting himself until he’s learning back on his calves. “Don’t you remember what today is? We promised to- ah!”

He doesn’t. But if this really is a dream, he wonders whether it’s linked to a memory already lived. Perhaps they’re on a schedule, or maybe there’s a meeting. Either way, right now, he doesn’t really want to go anywhere – not does he want Jaejoong to go anywhere either.

It had been a _long_ time since his dreams had starred Jaejoong, long enough that the sight of him now brings back a rush of feelings he’d thought he’d long ago let fade. Having him there in front of him, so close that he can reach out and touch him, is far different than seeing him on the bright screen of his mobile phone late at night when he was all alone. Or catching a glimpse of his face splashed across an advertisement for whatever business venture he was steaming ahead with next.

It would be a lie to say that he didn’t keep up with Jaejoong. Of course he did. The time they’d spent together, no matter how bitter towards the end, was too precious for him to simply throw away. So yes, he searched Jaejoong’s name up often, listened to his music, and even made sneaky purchases of his albums before tucking them away in the safety of a locked drawer. They’d become like precious treasures, ones for his eyes only, and for him to know about only; well maybe Changmin too, seeing as the other couldn’t keep his nose out of anything.  

Jaejoong sighs in his hold, frowning slightly, and making Yunho feel the need to reach up and brush it away with affectionate touches.

“You are planning on getting up, right?” Jaejoong asks pointedly. “I had a lot planned, so... So I don’t want it to go to waste.”

Chuckling, Yunho turns to press a light kiss against his arm, and nods (still a little dazed). It seems he’d confirmed it for himself. Even after all this time, he just can’t hold onto any anger that he’d wanted to feel towards Jaejoong. Changmin was right after all – damn know it all.

“Yes dear.” He replies jokingly, unable to keep a smile from touching his face.

“Arse!” Jaejoong quips, and pulls away from him suddenly, making his way back to the door, before pausing and turning to look at him over his shoulder. “You’d better get up!” He warns, pouting for a moment before his face drops to something more reserved, and a touch soft. “I made breakfast... So, yeah...”

Yunho feels his heart swell with longing, and he smiles like a fool at him, all pearly whites and eyes forming half moons as they crinkle with joy.

“Thank you!” He calls brightly, heart soaring when Jaejoong tenses up, and dips his head a little lower, before turning away to scurry from the bedroom.

Yunho himself drops back against the bed, finding himself grinning like a fool. He’d forgotten just how cute Jaejoong was, with his not so subtle gestures, and stubbiness to provide for their odd, makeshift, family.

Speaking of which.... He should probably get up before Jaejoong came back to nag him again. He knew full well that he would too, having been the victim to Jaejoong’s early morning nagging plenty of times in the past. Not even the boyfriend card had spared him. Sighing at the thought, he pulls himself up, and rolls himself out of bed, plodding towards the kitchen with a heavy footed clunkiness that was never present during stage performances, but instead tucked away under a heavy layer of professionalism.

It’s a pleasant sight to find the rest of the group huddled around their old kitchen table, each of them busy with a plate of something that smells incredible. Changmin spares him a quick glance between bites of his food, raising an eyebrow in suspicion when Yunho smiles brightly at him. However, he goes back to eating a moment later, pausing once more only to nearly send his chopsticks piecing through the skin of Junsu’s thieving hand.

“Oh, Yunho’s up.” Yoochun comments blearily, his voice sounding heavy with sleep, and gravelled as he pushes the words out.

Either he hadn’t had his first coffee of the day, or Jaejoong had literally freshly plucked him from his bed. Yunho can remember with vivid fondness the mornings that had been spent around the table, with Yoochun nearly falling asleep face first in his breakfast bowl or dish.

“Yup.” Changmin agrees, lifting his chopsticks to point in Yunho’s general direction. “And he’s not ready to go.”

“Uh-oh.” Junsu says forebodingly, shaking his head in a disappointed mother kind of manner. “Someone’s going to be in trouble when Jaejoong gets out of the shower.”

Yunho can only frown at them for a moment, hovering by the table in thought. He distinctly remembers Jaejoong having said that he’d made breakfast, and that he needed to get up. Having put those two together, he could only assume that Jaejoong had meant for him to come and eat. Was that not it? Was this dream about to take a weird turn?

“What are you talking about?” Yunho asks, taking a seat at the table, and reaching for a plate from the centre. “Jaejo- _Jae_ told me he’d made breakfast, and that I needed to get up. So that’s what I’m doing.” He explains, stumbling over Jaejoong’s name as he reminds himself that right here, in this moment, in this dream, he’s allowed to call Jaejoong in a more affectionate manner.

“Oh dear.” Changmin sighs, surprisingly pausing his onslaught on his second plate, his face pinched with an expression of impending doom.

“Don’t tell me you forgot!” Junsu whines, fixing Yunho with a flabbergasted look.

“Jaejoong’s going to be super disappointed if you have.” Yoochun sighs, half-heartedly reaching for a mug to his left, and nearly missing until Changmin quickly shoves it into his grasp. “You’re supposed to be going out together today.”

“Yeah! Jaejoong planned the whole thing! How could you forget?” Junsu pipes up again. “That’s why he made us all breakfast early – cause you two might not be back until later on.”

“Oh...” Yunho replies, his mouth hanging open as he tries to come up with something a little more substantial.

Changmin laughs when he catches the look though, amused to say the least, and rips a chunk of meat from his chopsticks before surveying Yunho with a look of admiration.

“Ah, you’re really amazing sometimes.” He states, sighing with an unimpressed air. “How could you forget your own birthday.”

 

Birthdays had never been something they’d had the luxury to properly celebrate. More often than not there had been schedules already in place on said days, and so they’d ended up thrust into the spotlight with the apparent obvious suggestion that they celebrate it with fans. Which was fine. Yunho had never been opposed to the idea of spending such a special day with people who loved him. But it meant that by the time they were back behind closed doors, which was usually close to the dead of night, they were more inclined to spend what time they had left sleeping. Tired from the earlier events, and never actually getting to celebrate among themselves. It was… Disappointing.

Which is why, now that remembers, he’d been so happy to actually have a day that was free of the usual grandeur of birthday surprises. This wasn’t just a dream after all. At least, it wasn’t a _normal_ dream. It was one based on a memory from long ago just like he’d suspected. One that centred around his birthday during the time they’d been staying in Japan. It was one filled with happiness, one that he’d cherished for a long time, and still very much did.

He vaguely remembers the day before his birthday old those years ago, with Jaejoong lying across his chest, lazily drawing slow circles into his skin, and gently suggesting the idea of spending a day together for once. Yunho hadn’t been opposed to the idea. But he’d maybe just been a little wary. He’d warned Jaejoong not to do anything _too_ grand, nothing that would draw unwanted attention to them, nothing that would have the paparazzi standing in the shadows whispering, and writing up dating scandal articles to the press.

He smiles despite himself, looking to his side now to find the very event planner of the day toddling along beside him with a smile a mile-wide half hidden within the folds of a scarf wrapped around his neck. Their members had fortunately not spilled the beans about him “forgetting” the agenda for the day, and Yunho had made it out with nothing but a giddy smile, and eager fingers pushing him out of the door.

It thankfully wasn’t particularly cold, but it was enough to argue wearing winter clothing, and certainly enough to not make it seem odd for them to be dressed up in hats and scarves. Jaejoong looks especially cute in his beanie pulled over dark hair, just the tips of his wispy locks peeking out from underneath. He wants to kiss him, right there and then looking like that. But dream or not, he’d never been a fan of the idea of people catching them, and this dream still seemed to be playing by the rules of the waking realm. Which meant even if he did, Jaejoong would likely not react well. Which, he obviously doesn’t want to happen. He’d rather enjoy this day and do justice to the original memory.

“Here, here!” Jaejoong suddenly calls, reaching to pull on his arm insistently. “This is the place I was telling you about before! Apparently they do the _best_ ice cream this side of Japan!”

Yunho glances to the shop front and smiles in recognition – it was indeed the place he remembered. Jaejoong pulls him over, just like he had back then, face full of excitement, and eyes glancing back at him looking for his approval. He’d been a little unsure the first time, too busy checking out the area for stray fans who might notice them. Listening out with rapt attention for that all too familiar snap of a camera, to the point that he’d been horribly distracted while ordering his ice cream, which had resulted in him ordering something that had been so far from his usual taste that he’d ended up giving most of it to a rather disappointed Jaejoong in the end.

Which is why he keeps his head forward this time round, listening as Jaejoong scopes the flavours, and orders a crazy concoction of his top favourites in three hearty scoops. Caramel banana crunch, mighty mint, and a simple scoop of strawberry to top it off. Yunho goes for something a little more put together, strawberry, vanilla, and mint. Jaejoong playfully calls him boring, and then threatens to pinch a bit off him in a contradictory move, but Yunho only smiles at him offering him the cone only to see if he really would follow through. However, his smile drops a moment later, falling to a startled look of uncertainty as he blinks against a quick flash of light from his left. Paired with the flash comes the telling snapping sound of a camera, a noise which pulls a feeling of dread down into his stomach.

Ah, here she came, right on time.

“Oh no...” Jaejoong says miserably from beside him. “We got caught.”

This had happened the first-time round too. A stray fan who had been passing by when she’d recognised them goofing about in the ice cream parlour. Obviously excited to see them out and about, she’d snapped a couple of photos of them on her phone, clearly having wanted proof for later – as most fans did.

But they weren’t on schedule then, as they aren’t now, so Yunho had approached her, gentle with his words as he’d politely asked her to delete them. She’d looked horrified for a moment, fumbling over her words as she’d apologised, and Yunho could only smile, finding it a little endearing; she’d meant no harm after all. After he’d seen them deleted, he’d asked that she try and keep their meeting a secret, offering some excuse. Something vague, and likely along the lines of that they shouldn’t actually have been out, or that they’d snuck off to grab ice cream for the group. He couldn’t remember the exact excuse he’d given, but she’d seemed to get the general idea all the same.

He takes those same slow steps now, walking over to her with a smile lining his lips, so as not to scare her off. She catches sight of him, and her eyes widen in surprise, slowly moving her hands down to hide her phone within the folds of her coat. But Yunho beats her to it, pushes his smile a little wider, and lowering his voice so as only she can hear him.

“Would you mind deleting those pictures?” He asks gently, pushing a hand through his hair in an awkward movement. “It’s just… Well we’re not supposed to be out at the moment.” He then laughs. “We’ll be in trouble with our manager if it gets out that we snuck off and are cheating our diet.”

To cement his words, he turns to Jaejoong over his shoulder, offering a guilty look – which Jaejoong returns nervously.

The girl catches the look, and begrudgingly pulls her phone from her coat, bringing up the images she’d taken to painstakingly delete each one under Yunho’s gentle gaze. He thanks her gratefully, offering the warmest of smiles that he can (though he’s unsure if it makes up for the loss of the photo’s), and watches as she leaves, feeling Jaejoong come to stand next to him; holding out his ice cream that he’d been holding onto for him.

“It’s melting.” Jaejoong says, sounding a little put off from them being interrupted, and Yunho can tell that he’s being cautious, unsure of how Yunho felt about them being caught.

He’ll probably fall quiet now if Yunho doesn’t say something quick; and Yunho still doesn’t want to spoil this day.

“Shall we go?” He says, voice quiet, but full of affection as he takes his ice cream cone from Jaejoong’s waiting outstretched hand.

He must say the right thing, because the smile that blooms across Jaejoong’s face is blinding.

 

His fingers itch to reach out and take the hand beside him. He’s already so close, but he still wants just that little bit more. Jaejoong’s talking to him about a new anime he’d checked out the other night while Yunho had been busy with a meeting at the company, but all Yunho can focus on is the cute curve of his mouth, and how much he wants to kiss it. He’s listening, genuinely _wanting_ to listen to him – what with not having had a decent conversation with Jaejoong in _years_. Jaejoong could rattle on about the length of his toenails, and he’d still listen with the upmost concentration; just to hear the sound of his voice.

It’s then he realises, really realises, that he hadn’t been able to talk to Jaejoong in _years_. His heart aches, a swell of cold sadness rising up inside of him, swamping him in a tidal wave of misery that stings at his chest. He wants to, he _really_ wants to. He’s pretty sure he’d go to some rather extreme lengths just to sit beside Jaejoong again, the Jaejoong that was back in the waking world, the one that seemed so very far from him, and just _talk_.

There’s so much he’s missed after all. So much that’s happened. So much that’s changed. He wonders if he even knows the key things about him anymore – the things that made Jaejoong, well, Jaejoong.

Does he still cook like he used to? Does he still collect an absurd amount of ‘ _Hello Kitty_ ’ merchandise? Does he still crack first over cheesy dad jokes? Does he still stretch his head back in an almost feline like motions when he wakes up in the morning? Does he occasionally hide his smile behind a hand when he’s embarrassed, or make that unique laugh that was so distinctly his laugh?

Is he still in love with Yunho, like Yunho feels he is with him?

He’d wondered, not for the first time, if he was perhaps just in love with the memory of Jaejoong. The Jaejoong that had seemed to spend each and every waking moment beside him. He’d mulled over every inch of their relationship, the ups, and the downs, flicking back and forth to find where it had all fallen apart. At first, he’d wanted to blame Jaejoong for walking away, slapping a large sticker of fault in Jaejoong’s corner, and washing his hands of responsibility. But the longer he’d dwelled, the more he’d looked, the further in the realms of guilt he’d fallen.

It had become obvious to him that neither of them could hold the full weight of responsibility, and Yunho suddenly didn’t want to lumber Jaejoong with all of it. The petty, not to mention public spats, had had to stop, and so he’d fallen quiet, holding his silence like the stone guardian he’d chosen to become. Silence was the best form of protection he’d realised. Not matter how loud Jaejoong yelled over the noise of the media, no matter what he posted online, or what he said during the JYJ concerts that they held, Yunho kept his mouth tightly shut.

It had been his hope that Jaejoong would tire of flaunting their dirty laundry, that maybe he’d fall silent too, and eventually the public interest would die along with it. But he’d forgotten just who he was dealing with, and occasionally, every now and then, he’d catch wind of something Jaejoong had said, or done, in reference to their past together, and he’d be remaindered yet again of what had been lost.

He laughs at the thought, smiling wryly to himself.

“ _What’s been lost… Huh…_ ”

“Hey.”

Yunho tilts his head, glancing just a tad down to where Jaejoong’s frowning at him, his mouth pulled into an unimpressed thin line, his cheeks every so slightly puffed into what’s quickly morphing into a pout.

“Are you listening?” Jaejoong asks him, tone clipped, and ready to reprimand him with that sharp tongue of his.

Yunho blinks for a moment, lifting his head as a naughty idea springs to mind. The coast is clear, and a target comes within sight. Quickly, he reaches for the others hand, pulling him forward into him, and turning back to run into a narrow alleyway behind them. Jaejoong yelps, of course, surprised by the sudden movement, and then makes a grunted noise of pain when he finds his back meeting the solid cold of the brick wall of the alley way behind him. He looks up, lips parting as though he’s about to say something; something more than likely along the lines of wanting to know just what the hell Yunho was doing. But Yunho’s mouth laps up whatever complaint was about to spill from his lips, instead putting them to better work in kissing him.

Much like chocolate sitting in the warmth of a palm, Jaejoong melts against him, anger diffusing like a lit match to water. Through practise, his head automatically tilts to that perfect angle where Yunho can best kiss him, and his arms lift to find their usual spot around his neck, back arching up, and curving into Yunho’s body until they’re flush up against each other; drawing him closer in a more intimate position.

It’s just as exciting as he remembers. Kissing Jaejoong had always had that inciting trill to it, one that had always made him feel like he was up to no good - but in the best way possible. One that always had him coming back for more. One more kiss, one more touch, one more time.

But… Time had been precious back then, they’d been walking on constant eggshells, always looking over their shoulders, and keeping their voices to quiet whispers. He’d had no choice, being the leader of one of the most in demand groups at the time. He hadn’t been able to afford for them to be exposed, and while he know it had broken Jaejoong’s heart to have him push him away, it had been a necessary evil. Because if he hadn’t then there wouldn’t have been another moment between them. At least, not in the same way.

But he’d felt like he was living for those moments, that bashful smile on Jaejoong’s lips as he looked up at him from hooded eyes. Just like he’s doing now.

“What was that for?” Jaejoong whispers, unable to stop himself from smiling up at him, thoroughly placated by Yunho’s impulsive display of affection.

“I’m not sure…” Yunho says, reaching up to cup Jaejoong’s chin between finger, and thumb, gently caressing his skin. “I just… I wanted to kiss you I suppose. I always want to kiss you.”

It wasn’t a lie. He’s always wanted to, but he’d had to keep his hands, lips, and body to himself. But now it was more than that. More so then just wanting to be physical. Now he just wants to see him, to _really_ see him. Not just in glossy magazines, and flashes of his image splashed across online articles and social media. He wants to see him in person, talk to him, just be beside him like they are now.

He sighs heavily, glancing up out of the alleyway and onto the busy streets.

“I just… I wish I had done it more.” Yunho hears himself say, the dense feeling of regret heavy on his tongue as he makes the admission to a stunned Jaejoong.

Jaejoong takes his hands within his own, brows furrowed in what looked like confused as he stared at Yunho’s fingers in a quiet moment.

“I don’t really get what you mean by that…” He says slowly. “But you should already know that I have no issues with you kissing me whenever you want to.” He laughs, lifting a hand to hide his smile – an endearing habit that tugs at his heart strings with aching familiarity.

“Yeah.” Yunho admits. “I guess you don’t.”

He then blinks, head feeling fuzzy out of nowhere, furrowing his eyebrows at the unexpected feeling. Wha-

“ _Yunho? Hey, Yunho…_ ”

“What?” He asks out loud, looking back at Jaejoong, who blinks back at him in question – apparently having said nothing.

“I didn’t say anything…” Jaejoong replies innocently, confirming what Yunho had already assumed.

“You di-”

“ _Yunho! Hey, wake up already!_ ”

A feeling tugs at him, hard, and his surroundings begin to wash into pastel, colour draining away. He steps forward, hands finding their way to Jaejoong’s face, and cupping it tight enough to have Jaejoong wincing as he places his own hands over Yunho’s.

“No! Not yet!” Yunho shouts, and stares at Jaejoong desperately, taking a shuddered breath. “I still have _so_ much I want to tell you!”

“ _You sleep like a damn troll! Get up – Yunho!_ ”

The frightened look on Jaejoong’s face suddenly melts away, and a reserved smile takes shape instead, soft around the edges, and a touch understanding. He removes a hand from Yunho’s and brings it up to Yunho’s face, a sincere expression following.

“Then you should tell me – I won’t know if you don’t say anything.” Jaejoong says, leaning up to kiss his cheek as he begins to crumble right before Yunho’s eyes.

Yunho can only stare, even as Jaejoong pulls back, and his eyes widen with shock; and maybe a slight bolt of realisation.

“I will.” He promises adamantly. “This time in person.”

Jaejoong laughs at that, nearly gone completely now, but he offers one last cheeky look, a smirk forming across his lips.

“I’ll be waiting then.” He challenges, and then bursts into a shower of white sparks. “It’s a promise.”

“ _Wake up!_ ”

 

Bolting upright, eyes flared wide open, he finds the displeased face of Changmin hovering above him, the buzzing shape of his phone held between his hands. Yunho can only stare at him, slowly processing his surroundings.

“Oh, finally!” Changmin complains, sounding just a touch annoyed, his brows pinching into a frown.

Yunho says nothing in response though, numb to Changmin’s displeasure, and feeling tears clinging at the corners of his eyes. He breaths out, throat feeling strained with emotion as he does. For a moment, he allows himself stay like that, staring up at the ceiling as he wills the dampness welling within his eyes to dissipate. He doesn’t want Changmin catching on and asking questions. Questions he likely won’t be able to give answers that meet level of detail Changmin will require.

“Was I dreaming?” He asks himself, dropping an arm over his eyes, the images of whatever had just happened still painting themselves across his vision.

“More than likely.” Changmin snorts in reply, dropping the offending phone he’d been holding to Yunho’s chest without warning. “You’ve been out for a while - are you ok?” He then goes to ask, not pushing when Yunho nods from behind his arm. “Ah, by the way, Heechul’s been trying to get in touch with you.” He explains, pointing offhandedly at the phone, before moving over to the kitchen counter to grab a glass from the top shelve with little effort.

“You didn’t speak to him?” Yunho questions, finally sitting up, and rubbing at his bleary eyes.

“I don’t want to speak to him.” Changmin replies, sounding as grumpy as he looks at the idea of speaking with Heechul. “He’d keep me on the line all day complaining about this and that.”

“He’s not that bad.” Yunho chuckles as he unlocks his phone.

“You speak to him then.” Changmin shoots back, turning to lean against the counter, the glass he’d reached for previously now full to the brim with what looked like orange juice. “He’s probably only calling to complain about you not having been to see him recently – how much do you want to bet?”

“Nothing.” Yunho replies, trying to trace back to the last time he’d had the time to see Heechul outside of concerts, and company get togethers.

Was he really calling to complain about that? You could never be sure with that unpredictable man.

Pressing the call button, he waits, listening to the ringing from the other end. His mind wanders as he does, back to the dream, remembering the sad look of acceptance on Jaejoong’s face before he’d faded away. He wonders at the timing of it, reminding himself that he hadn’t dreamed about Jaejoong in a _long_ time.

“ _unho-_ ”

He startles at the voice from the other end of the phone, pulling it back from his ear for a moment, a garbled noise falling from his lips in surprise, and flushing when Changmin frowns at him from the counter.

“ _Oh_ , Heechul. Did you call earlier?” Yunho asks, sitting back against the sofa awkwardly, waving his hand dismissively as Changmin starts laughing at him.

“ _I did indeed – several times._ ” Heechul croons, giggling for a moment. “ _I’ve been asked to deliver a message of sorts…_ ” He then says cheekily, voice pitching into something suggestive. “ _I think you’re going to like it._ ”

“A message?” Yunho asks, frowning as he thinks back to Heechul’s usual mischief.

“ _Yes, let’s just say you’re going to receive a phone call very soon…_ ”

-X-

57, 58, 59...

Feet swing down onto soft carpet, and Jaejoong steels himself for a moment in thought. He can’t remember _exactly_ how this day had played out the first-time round. But he’s got a rough idea of the generally line of events, and half an idea still on the script he needs to be reading off. It’s just a matter now of pulling back his attitude from over 10 years previous, and settling into the skin of an angry diva who had flown off the handle at every poor choice their management made, and mastering the art of shooting withering looks Yunho’s way with every excuse made.

It’s... Difficult. Because despite what people may think he had actually _grown out_ of such behaviour, learning and bettering himself from the tough life experiences his younger self had paved way to. He’d mellowed, becoming more lenient, and less likely to rear up at everything thing that didn’t go his way, working harder, and striving to make the thread of his tattered dreams meet.

Yeah, he’d grown himself some damn maturity.

But being mature sadly wasn’t what he’d been back then. He’d been prone to bouts of child like behaviour, whether it was the more painful side of throwing tantrums his four-year self would have been proud of, or the endearing habits of becoming fascinated with soy sauce gag merch. That being said, it’s that past version of himself who he needs to channel, and re-live life as, one last time. He needs to be the person Yunho had first fallen in love with, and more than likely ended up hating.

The thought of that has him worrying his lip like a high schooler crushing nervously over their first love, and he quickly pushes back against the wave of dramatic emotions that are rising up fast to match, threatening to well his eyes with tears. He gently slaps his cheeks, closing his eyes, and counting to 5 before he takes one last look at Yoochun still sleeping in his bed, and heaves himself up from his own mattress, and out the bedroom door.

Yunho is predictably already gone, off for his run as always, so Jaejoong busies himself with making breakfast; musing idly over if it would make a drastic change to the future if he didn’t cook the exact same thing as he had the first time. Something tells him that it won’t. He very much doubts the toss up between breakfast options was going to decide the fate of the group. Eggs over fish was unlikely a deal breaker. However, he does cook a little extra, mainly out of guilt of what was to come, and then regrets it when he sees the fridge so low on stock. Ah, he should have started the day as he meant to go on – barren.

By the time he’s done, Yunho’s breezing through the door, sweaty, and much in need of a towel, but wonderful all the same. Jaejoong pushes a smile to his face, greeting him as he always had, and playfully pushing him away when he tries to hug him with his, beautifully toned, and rather damp, body.

“Smells good as always” Yunho compliments, reaching to steal a pinch of rice from one of the bowls already set out.

“Wish I could say the same about you!” Jaejoong teases, frowning a second later as he catches Yunho’s thieving hands a moment later. “Hey! It’s not ready yet.” He calls out in scolding, pouting at him for good measure.

“Hm?” Yunho himself, walking back to him and pressing a chaste kiss to his temple. “You won’t allow me a taster?” He then asks cheekily, flashing him a wolf-like grin, clearly hoping to get off the hook.

These days, Jaejoong might have allowed it (providing he wasn’t pre-album stressed), he would have laughed, and let it go. But he’s playing his ten years previous self, so he reaches for the spoon he’d been using to check the soup he’s cooking, and swats it in Yunho’s direction

“Ah, go for a shower already!” He whines, turning back to his soup to give it a good stir, and heaping in another spoonful of chilli - just like he knew he’d used to do.

If in doubt, bring that extra scoop of spice out. Junsu was going to _hate_ this.

“Alright, I’m going!” Yunho laughs, making his way to the bathroom. “Should I wake the kids up?” He then asks, pausing near Changmin’s shared room with their manager – who thank goodness wasn’t staying over right now.

“Hm, you can wake Junsu, and Changmin.” He calls back, already setting about clearing the kitchen up – heaven knows the kids weren’t going to do it; something he’s sure to bring up later when they were arguing he’s sure. “Better leave Yoochun to me.” He advises thinking back to his groggy friend, who usually only pretended to be rising from his bed, when in actual fact he’d be falling back to sleep again the second he was left alone once more.

“Alright, I’ll leave him to you then.” Yunho laughs knowingly, pushing open the door to Changmin’s room with a flourish. “Hey! Changmin! Rise, and shine-”

Jaejoong shakes his head as Yunho’s voice trails away from him, and turns back to the soup, watching the bubbles bloom, and pop, within the pot.

“ _Yeah, leave it to me._ ” He thinks sourly, face tightening into a characteristic frown as he plonks the lid back over the pot to simmer a while longer.

“Ah, that smells good!” A sleepy voice calls out to him, and Jaejoong looks up to see Changmin meandering his way towards him, a hand rubbing at his eyes. “What have got this morning?” He asks.

“Why don’t you come see?” Jaejoong says, turning down the heat on the cooker, and moving to grab a stack of bowls.

Of course, Changmin thoroughly inspects Jaejoong’s work, lifting lids, and sniffing each dish with a grin. He’s clearly pleased, which tugs a reserved smile to Jaejoong’s lips, his heart pulling with the smile as he drearily realises that this is likely the last time he’ll be able to see that smile produced by his cooking. He shakes his head at the thought, wiping his hands against a hand towel.

“ _It’s better than him spiralling off into depression._ ” Jaejoong reminds himself as he thinks back to the future where Junsu, Yoochun, Yunho, and himself had left SM, leaving a solo Changmin to carry on alone.

“Are Junsu, and Yoochun up yet?” Changmin asks, now lounging against the worktop as he watches Jaejoong move about the kitchen with an impassive aura.

“No.” Jaejoong sighs irritably, turning to nod towards the table. “So, could you set things out for me?”

Surprisingly Changmin goes without complaint, more than likely doing so because of the bounty Jaejoong had laid on for breakfast. He knows for sure that normally he would have frowned, and put on a pouty look for his efforts. Although, he does notice the scowl on his face when Junsu comes wandering from his room, nearly tripping over his own feet as he stumbles towards the table and drops himself down into the first free chair he sees.

“Good morning Junsu.” Jaejoong smiles, chuckling when he receives a garbled noise in return.

“Ah, you’re in my seat!” Changmin whines, nudging Junsu's side with a sharp jab of his finger. “Move, move!”

Jaejoong rolls his eyes at them, leaving them to it as he goes to wake Yoochun. He’d rather not get between the two squabbling youngest this early in the morning. Besides, he’d just heard the shower turn off, which meant Yunho would be out soon. He supposes he should let the dad of group handle the kids just this once. Because heaven knows it’s going to take a while for him to coerce Yoochun into leaving the warmth of his bed.

 

He keeps quiet during the concept talk for the photoshoot, and instead focuses on doing his damnedest not to roll his eyes at every over the top description. It’s difficult, due to the fact that he could _literally_ word for word give this talk himself. But he already knows if he does that Yunho _will_ smack his bicep and give him a talking to in private later; and he’s too scared to deviate from his original goal at this point to dare try it. Not to mention everyone will likely think he’s ascended into the fifth dimension, become one with the universe, and been bestowed with omnipotence.

There again, it’s not like he even knows if doing any of this right now is going to make a remote bit of difference. He could end up going through with his plan, and still end up right back where he was this morning, living though this downright cursed day all over again. But at this point he’s willing to try anything in order to escape this never-ending scenario.

“Ok, Yunho! We’ll be shooting your solo shots first.” The set coordinator calls out, just as Jaejoong’s having the riveting mental contemplation of exactly how long it would take to fly back to Korea in order to visit their old dorm there, and he ends up watching idly as Yunho’s quickly led away with a flurry of stylists at his heels.

Jaejoong decides the loiter for a while after that, under the watchful eye of their manager. It’s not exactly a secret as to why he’s being given the toddler treatment. No, he knows why already, having done this day to death, and having the tendrils of memories gone by to remind him of the fact that he was thought of as the most unpredictable member of the group. Hence the nanny like treatment.

In the past it would have irked him. Enough to the point that he might have rolled it into an argument with Yunho later on, a thought that he stores away for later. For now, he settles on fixing his face into a tight frown, and tries he stews in past experiences where this kind of attitude had occurred before. Though he’s hardly for very long with those thoughts, as Yunho soon makes a reappearance in a mix of warm, freshly colour coordinated, garments, and a charming smile to match. He desperately tries to ignore the jump his heart feels like it makes, and dampens down his own pleased smile that’s threatening to push its way to his face. He pretty sure Yunho sees the beginnings of it anyway though – if the bright smile he returns his way is anything to go by.

“Jaejoong!” One of the stylists call, interrupting the moment he’s having across the room with Yunho, and he turns with a sulky expression to find himself being waved over to change into his own outfit.

Resigning himself to the act of having to change out his comfy casualwear, he moves away from his corner, heart dropping mid-step, a tight feeling of dread coiling around his stomach. He knows what’s awaiting him in the makeshift changing rooms if he goes now. Right on time, a ready for shoot Yoochun is lying in wait, with a question acting as a loaded gun ready to fire. Only, _he’s_ the one with the answer that’s going to decide if they pull the trigger.

There’s no avoiding it. Not unless he’s willing to unhinge the future again. Although, he reckons at this point he’s still got time to warp it into the future he desires to live through if he wishes. But it’s just not meant to be, and there would always be an overhanging trail of tragedy lingering behind him. Whether it was someone’s death, or an empty space left behind by someone who was no longer a part of their lives.

He decides against it, forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other as he strides over to the changing room, taking his bundle of clothes from the stylist waiting for him with the brightest of smiles; something he apprehensively returns with as much zeal as he can muster.

Right on cue, Yoochun descends on him, all fingers, thumbs, and awkward shuffling with his clothes as he tries to get to the point. Jaejoong forces himself to wait it out, repeating the words Yoochun speaks seconds before he actually say them in his head. It doesn’t make him feel any better about what’s being said, but it stops him from literally speaking over him just so as they can get to the point quicker. He’s more than had his fill of this particular conversation.

“I was thinking that now might be a good time to sit down with the others and talk about it. I mean I was talking with Junsu the other day, and he seems to think-”

“Yeah, sounds good.” Jaejoong finally cuts in tiredly, not wanting to hear anymore about it as he yanks his clothes on, smoothing down his shirt carefully; they were TVXQ after all, and everything had to be pristine. “We can broach it when we get back.” He adds stiffly, noting the apprehensive expression that had taken a grip of Yoochun’s features at his dismissive manner.

“Right…” Yoochun agrees, a long-suffering breath leaving him in a rush; one that gives Jaejoong the feeling that he’s had a weight lifted from his shoulders.

Jaejoong only wishes he could admit the same as he watches him with guarded eyes. A flutter of a memory returns to him slowly, and he can perfectly place the hazy vision of Yoochun running a hand through his hair anxiously, a sight that perfectly mirrors what he’s seeing right now – he can perfectly overlay them, just like two carbon copies of the same movement. His lips twist into a frown, and he ends up looking down at the floor, fingers pausing at the last button that he has yet to do up. Did that mean that things were heading down the right path?

“It’s not going to be easy.” Yoochun suddenly tells him, his voice a low warning against Jaejoong’s ear. “Are you sure you’re ok with this?”

“Yeah…” Jaejoong tells him, a flawless coined lie that sees him proud of the fact that he’d managed to impressively keep most of his self-doubt separated from his voice. “It’s now or never.” He adds, though mostly to himself, and finishes threading the last button through.

As though his new mission, he hovers at Yunho’s side for as long as he’s able for the remainder of the shoot, leaving him only to handle his own solo shots; and nailing the sombre, guilty lover, concept with ease. If anyone notices his jaded expression beyond those immortalised photographs, they don’t mention it – aside from Yunho, who can’t seem to keep that look of concern lover like expression from his face for more than 5 minutes. It’s a simple fix to wash it away though, and Jaejoong manages it with a placating smile, pressing his face against his back in a moment of weakness, and wishing he could be the lover that Yunho needs. Was it so foolish to believe that in another life they could have worked so perfectly? Especially when he’s already seemed to have been given the gift of small glimpses into what he believed was just that?

 

He doesn’t want to step across the threshold when he returns back. Knowing that once he did, he would, for once, be walking into territory he had only trod through a grand total of once. It doesn’t help that the doorway had seemingly become sentient, and now held a decidedly ominous aura to it, just the like the setup before entering the final boss fight in a video game. The feeling spread to him too. That awful stewing feeling in the bottom of his stomach is a bubbling once more, fingers jittering as he holds the door open for Changmin to step in behind him, and oh, there’s no going back now…

Dread gnaws at him, and he walks forward, making it seem like it was his intention to go straight to his room. However he’s stopped in his tracks, as planned, by what feels to him to be the deafening sound of Yoochun clearing his throat behind him.  

“Can we talk?” Yoochun asks the room, his voice seriousness, but still carrying that anxious urgency that sends Jaejoong’s skin crawling with nerves, jittering under his skin as he screws his eyes shut.

Soft concern burns in Yunho’s expression, and Jaejoong spots it immediately as he tuns back towards the rest of the group, face falling as he catches Changmin’s expression drop to a suspicious frown. He wonders if Yoochun, Junsu, and himself look guilty of something, especially when their youngest flits his gaze between the three of them for a second time.

“Yeah, sure.” Yunho answers unceremoniously, glancing between them all, his gaze momentarily settling on Jaejoong for just a little longer than the rest, and Jaejoong has to swallow down a lump of emotion that’s beginning to grow within his throat. “Group meeting then?”

They move together, just like how they’d started, and Jaejoong takes a seat in the sofa opposite Yunho, his heart slamming against his ribcage as they settle down. He can tell Yunho’s a little perturbed, especially given the fact that Jaejoong normally slotted himself down beside him each time they came together like this, tucked in on his right-hand side like they were about to give a group interview. But this time the splits a little different, and he feels sick to his stomach when he realises that they’re sitting in a formation that would eventually mirror that of the split. Jaejoong on the left-hand side of the sofa, Yoochun to his right, Junsu huddled on the spare armchair to Jaejoong’s left, and Yunho, and Changmin opposite them on the other sofa.

Why did this now feel like a war meeting? Even if Jaejoong himself knew it pretty much was that, they didn’t need to mirror it quite this well. Not that it really mattered. Most of this conversation/slanging match would later see them duelling wits while stood up on their feet.

“So, what’s on your mind?” Yunho asks once they’re all sat down, and a rather painstaking silence passes between them; one in which Jaejoong had regrettably exchanged a rather knowing look with Junsu; one he finds himself ducking out of as soon as eye contact is initiated.

“Ah, well, it’s more… What’s on _our_ mind, right Jaejoong? Junsu?” Yoochun prompts, the sharp point of his elbow nudging into Jaejoong’s side rudely when Jaejoong keeps his silence tucked behind his teeth, the knuckle of his index finger caught between his lips pensively.

He remembers it. The shame of having to bring this up the first time. He hadn’t wanted to then, and he doesn’t want to now. So, he keeps his voice for a while longer, frowning when Junsu pipes up with a quick “yes” tumbling from his mouth. He briefly wonders if he’d crumbled due to the sharp look of disapproval sitting on Yunho’s face as he swings them both a look of betrayal. Jaejoong can immediately sense where this is heading, with or without his future foresight. Here can the betrayal game.

“So, you’ve been having private conversations?” Yunho asks them, voice low with discontent, and brows dipping into a furrowed expression. “Is this about leaving again? You’ve been talking about it amongst yourselves?”

The questions are deliberately accusing, and so is his tone. It’s obviously there to get a rise, and Jaejoong soon realises that that’s exactly what he’s got to do. Rise up and take the bait; just as his younger self would have seen him do over ten years ago.

With all the fury of a 6-year-old child, Jaejoong pushes himself up, eyes narrowed, and fingers curled into tight fists beside him as he turns on Yunho.

“So what if we have?” Jaejoong shoots back, his tone barbed, and venom lacing into his words as he makes himself out to have seemed upset from the clear accusation. “I wasn’t aware that we had to include you in on _every_ conversation that goes off between us.” He challenges, lifting his chin in affront.

Almost as though rehearsed, Yunho jerks his head up, a frown falling across his face as he takes in Jaejoong’s tone; seemingly surprised by Jaejoong’s outburst for a moment. That, however, falls away a moment later, and he sighs in frustration, shaking his head.

“That’s not what I’m saying Jaejoong.” Yunho retorts; and oh, he’s using Jaejoong’s full name now. “Although, it would have been nice for you to have shared with the group when it’s something concerning the group.”

“Well you would have flown off the handle either way! Just like you did before!” Jaejoong shouts back, folding his arms across his chest, and glaring for all he’s worth. “Just like you’re doing now.”

“Can you _blame_ me?” Yunho asks, eyebrows now raised as he swings his arm out to the side in a sweeping gesture. “What with all this scheming you’re up to behind our backs?”

“ _Scheming?!_ ” Jaejoong seethes, now genuinely beginning to feel upset as he absorbs Yunho’s accusations, the words going straight to his heart, and anger straight to his head, hitting each one of his petty nerves on the way up. “You’re accusing us of scheming now? Oh, that’s rich! Coming from you who’s always sitting in SM’s pocket like a puppet on strings!” He snaps back, ignoring the hesitant attempts from beside him that Yoochun’s making to incept their slanging match.

“Don’t try and turn this on me Jaejoong!” Yunho yells, the volume of his voice cranking up to angry, cheeks flooding with a scarlet rage as he jumps to his feet to match Jaejoong. “I’m not the one conspiring with the members behind everyone’s back! Who knows what poison you’ve been feeding them-!”

“Yunho!” Yoochun cries, now a gasp with horror, and obviously trying to bring down the tone, and get them back on track to the core reason that he’d called for this impromptu meeting in the first place.

Jaejoong’s already flown off the handle on his behalf after all. Yet, if he hadn’t have done, Jaejoong knows full well that Yoochun would have. However, clearly that urge to fight has dampened since Jaejoong’s abrupt outburst, now leaving poor Yoochun scrambling to try and play the mediator and bring about peace instead.

“That’s really _not_ what’s been happening.” Yoochun says firmly, frowning between both Jaejoong, and Yunho. “If anything, it was me who approached Jaejoong.” He admits, glancing nervously Jaejoong’s way as he makes the statement – clearly worried about how Yunho would react.

He’s right to be it seems too. Yunho’s eyes immediately flash with surprise, widening as he looks between the two of them, coming to rest on Jaejoong for confirmation; something Jaejoong gives him in the form of a stiff nod, but still avoids his eyes.

“You went- _What?_ _Why?_ Why didn’t you come to me about this first?!” Yunho asks, now annoyed again as he starts to work himself back up again.

Yoochun flails for a moment, apparently stuck between choosing his words, and it shows. He gestures to nothing in particular for a moment, mouth opening, but no voice leaving him. Only a half-formed croak that dies a moment later as he hangs between words.

“You don’t trust me?” Yunho pushes, a mean attempt to force reason from the other.

“What? No! That’s not it!” Yoochun denies quickly, mouth pursing into a frown, looking quietly agitated.

“Then you didn’t want me to know? You wanted to keep it secret?” Yunho barrels on, sounding more and more victimised with his tone.

“No! Oh my go- It’s _not_ like that!” Yoochun presses. “I just-”

“That’s what it looks like to me!” Yunho shouts, looking angrier, and angrier the more time trickles on. “How can you not expect me to be angry about this?! You’ve been having private discussions about the group without letting us all in on it. Acting like it’s some dirty secret that you’ve only just thought to talk to us about – almost like the guilts just catching up with you. So excuse me for being angry-”

“Well excuse _me_ for being angry when I know for a fact that our almighty leader is unfairly taking the biggest chunk of _our_ collective earnings home with him each time we perform!” Yoochun snaps back, leaving the rest of them, Jaejoong included, reeling.

Silence descends while they all take stock, absorbing Yoochun’s words, and slowly processing them like some ancient tower block computer from the pre 1990’s – the ones that ran on dial up, and mimicked sounds from the abyss each time they were forced to connect to the outside world. Jaejoong feels very much like one as he blinks in surprise at the cutting blow Yoochun had just coughed out, eyes him from the corner of his eyes with a stunned expression.

“I-I what?” Yunho stutters, drawing back from the full-blown verbal fight he’d just been engaging in to collect himself.

“Don’t act like you don’t know.” Junsu now cuts in, having been silent thus far, folding his arms across his chest defensively. “Both you, and Jaejoong, take the biggest cuts out of us all.”

Jaejoong slides down a little in his seat, feeling small suddenly under the looks that slide his way momentarily. Yeah, that had been a thing. Money really hadn’t been the deciding factor in them leaving – but it certainly hadn’t helped. Between Junsu finding out that the pay gap between them had been a tad excessive, and everything else in between, things had begun to snowball; directly downhill, and into a barbed wire fence - and Jaejoong isn’t about to forget the snide comments that had broken out because of it. For that reason alone, he shrinks down a little more, wilting like a dying plant under Yunho’s whiplash look that flashes his way.

Shit.

“Did you-” Yunho begins to ask Jaejoong, but Junsu cuts in, voice cold.

“He didn’t tell us anything – at least nothing to do with _your_ pay.” Junsu sniffs, tilting his head dangerously. “Although you just confirmed my suspicions with _that_ reaction.”

Yunho’s brows dip, and Jaejoong suddenly feels as though all of the air within the room had been sucked away, leaving him stewing within unease, not daring to breath.

“So, you told them how much you’re earning?” Yunho asks, still directing all of his energy Jaejoong’s way, pressing, and pressing on him like an open wound. “That you’re getting more?”

“Oh, come _on!_ ” Changmin bursts out of now where, rolling his eyes as he looks between the rest of them. “It’s not that hard to figure out. He’s the _main_ singer, most of the damn lines in songs go his way, he’s _bound_ to be given more than the rest of us!”

Jaejoong wishes looks could silence, wishes Changmin would stop talking suddenly, but he knows this had come up the first time things had exploded, and he can only keep quiet as eyes pass over him. He can feel the accusations burning into his skin as he fumbles for word to claw himself out of this hole that he hadn’t even dug himself.

“That’s not…” Jaejoong begins, pulling his words back as they threaten to leave his mouth in a tumble of word vomit. “It’s not like I _ask_ for them to use my voice so much.” He tries, a bubble of contained guilt bursting free within his chest. “Haven’t I always said it should be more balanced?”

“No!” Junsu argues abruptly, making Jaejoong’s head snap up to stare at him in shock. “Wait, no, that’s not what I’m saying!” He retracts. “I’m not _blaming_ you… I just… It’s not fair! The rest of us… We are work _so_ hard, and it’s frustrating! I waited so long to debut! I worked so hard for them and was so patient! But _this_ is how I’m being repaid? It’s just…”

“We _are_ being repaid!” Yunho shouts, eyes wide, and a frazzled expression on his face. “Don’t you see everything we’ve achieved so far! We’ve never been so popular; each comeback has only gained us more and more. _Why_ do you want to throw that all away?! All that hard work, the effort we put into it, those first few years we suffered in Japan alone, and isolated. I refuse to let that go, and you should too!”

“We’re not asking to throw it away!” Jaejoong bellows, already seeing where this was going, and seizing the chance to push Yunho’s buttons again – not without feeling horrible for doing so; he’s not blind to the effort that Yunho’s going to to try and talk them down, he never had been. “ _God_ , you _never_ listen!” He stresses, running a hand through his hair restlessly.

“You’re right!” Yunho concedes, shaking his head dismissively. “I don’t listen. Because this is madness!”

“ _Madness?!_ ” Jaejoong asks imploringly. “Madness is what we’re doing right now, willingly grinding ourselves into dust at the mercy of a company that doesn’t even care to let us rest when we’re injured, or eat when we’re hungry. It’s stupid Yunho, and so are you for acting blind to it for the sake of your petty pride as our so-called leader!”

Yunho grits his teeth suddenly, and Jaejoong glares right back at him, a trickle of trepidation riding inside of him as Yoochun cuts between them cautiously.

“Come on guys...” Yoochun asks gently, holding his hands up placatingly. “We’re really get off course here.”

“Ah, leave them Yoochun.” Changmin sighs, trying to look disinterested – but Jaejoong can easily spot the disappointment in his tone, and nervous manner in which he’s wringing his hands together, despite his best efforts at trying to conceal it. “Better to let them shout it out.” He adds, now going for that bored attitude as he lies back against the sofa cushions. “They’ll kiss, and make up later anyway…”

“Oh no, not this time!” Yunho promises darkly, his venomous expression turning to Jaejoong with full force. “You’re going too far this time.” He quips, taking a breath, and turning to walk away.

Jaejoong knows this routine all too well. Yunho’s going to head out now, leaving before he can say, or do something he’ll later regret. But Jaejoong also knows if he leaves now, with things like this, he’ll come back later full of remorse (having thought about things quietly to himself). He can’t allow for that, he didn’t the first time, and he can’t this time.

“Oh? So you’re leaving - just like that?” He asks, tone haughtily, self-righteous in a way that makes him inwardly cringe at his own confident gall. “Some leader you are!” He accuses, knowing just what to say, and just where to hurt – Yunho and his leader complex. “Not even going to stay, and work things out – how typical!”

It garners him the reaction he’d been envisioning, and Yunho rounds on him, narrowed eyes glittering with rage. His words had done the trick, pushed the button, and driven Yunho past the point of settling this without things coming to blows. A part of him feels a twang of nerves, but he pushes them down, folding his arms across his chest, and lifting his chin in challenge; a flicker of curiosity burning as he awaits Yunho’s next move.

“Oh boy…” Yoochun whispers somewhere off to his side. “Now you’ve gone and done it.”

Jaejoong agrees with the statement wholeheartedly.

“Why do you _always_ have to go and push things?” Yunho asks him quietly. “Can’t you just keep that pretty little mouth of yours shut for once, and let it go?”

“Why? Just so we can keep going over and over this? Why don’t you want to sort this out?” Jaejoong presses.

“There’s nothing to sort Jaejoong!” Yunho thunders, arm lashing out to the side as he gestures to all of them in one fail swoop. “What would you have us do? Go up against the whole company? You really think we can do that? Against a company with as much influence as SM? Is that what you want?”

“Why not?!” Jaejoong yells back petulantly, feeling slightly childish as he echoes the words of his past self. “What are you so afraid of?”

“Afraid? That’s what you think this is about?” Yunho asks him ludicrously, eye brows raised. “You’re really as stupid to think that’s the root of the problem here? My God, are you even listening to yourself?”

“Well what is it then?” Jaejoong snaps, twisting his face into a look of hurt as he absorbs Yunho’s insults.

“They’re not just going to let us walk out peacefully, idiot! We’ll be dragged through the courts, made a laughing stock in the papers, and at the end of it more than likely held within our contracts – if you even still remember what they are that is! You don’t bite the hand that feeds you Jaejoong!”

“ _Feeds_ us!” Jaejoong laughs, throwing his head back. “You think that’s what they’re doing for us right now? Feeding us?! Is that what you call it when they shove more and more on our already bursting schedule to the point that we don’t even know what day it is anymore?” He laughs louder, shaking his head at Yunho smugly. “They’re running us into the ground Yunho! Look at your members! Do we look well fed?! Do we look _happy?!_ ”

Yunho does look at them, his head turning to stare at the faces of the three members still sat, now rather uncomfortably, on the sofas. His face drops a little, just for a moment, before he turns to look back at Jaejoong, and that defiant look is back, his fingers curled into fists.

“If you want to leave Jaejoong, if that’s the road you really want to walk down, then it’s not one that I can follow you down.” Yunho tells him, eyes dropping to the floor in what Jaejoong can only think of as defeat. “I won’t- I _can’t_ do that for you.”

Jaejoong sucks a breath in, unable to stop the welling in his eyes. His chest is burning with feeling, cold spikes shooting through his veins in shock of a memory that surges forth. He’d never thought it would hurt so much to hear those words a second time.

“Y-you-” He babbles, gritting his teeth to stop himself crying. “ _Why_ can’t you see what they’re doing?!” He cries desperately.

“Stop it already!” Yunho shouts at him, lifting his head to stare him down. “I’ve told you already, haven’t I?! If you want to go Jaejoong, then go! But I won’t follow, so perhaps you should think on that for a while. I’m not going to discuss this with you any further!”

“You’re not listening!” Jaejoong hisses at him as Yunho turns to the door again, apparently done with him for real this time.

“I don’t want to hear it – I don’t need to. Moreover, until you’ve come to your senses, I don’t want anything to do with you.” Yunho tells him, opening the door, and hovering for a moment. “Don’t wait up.”

With that said, he’s gone, slamming the door behind him loud enough to have the wall rattling behind him. Jaejoong drops the floor, feeling defeated, tired, and finally done. He stares at the hardwood floor, letting his eyes relax into a state of unseeing as he lets his heart begin to calm from the thunderous beating that it had been fighting to maintain during their shouting match. He’d gotten way too caught up within the emotion of that fight. Flown far too close, to point where he’d honestly injected himself into the moment as though this was his current, his _present_ , life. But…

“ _It’s over…_ ” He laments within the safety of his own mind, shuddering as he finally realises just how cold the room feels, now he’s not being kept warm by his own passionate words.

“Jaejoong…” Yoochun calls softly to him, moving to kneel beside him, a hand, feather light, resting on his shoulder. “He didn’t mean it Jae.”

Jaejoong shakes his head meekly, a soft flutter of hair from his bangs falling across his forehead. He’s know too well.

“No, he did.” Jaejoong says, shoulders sagging slightly as he takes a shuddered breath, forcing back the wave of fresh emotions that surge over him at a realisation. “He meant it – and I deserved it.”

A snort sounds from off beside them, and Jaejoong lifts his head to see Changmin still settled in place on the sofa, a peeved expression resting on his face.

“I’ll say.” Changmin finally comments, folding his arms across his chest, looking to picture of irritated as he continued to express his frustration – a mere drop in the ocean of what Jaejoong knows is to come. “Kicking up a fuss like that, and saying those things, when you _know_ it’s only going to make things worse! It’s no wonder he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you right now – _I_ wouldn’t either.”

“Changmin!” Junsu chides, scowling at their youngest with a harsh expression for a moment, and rolling his eyes. “ _Not_ helping!”

“I’m not trying to…” Changmin mutters, and rises to his feet, huffing to himself. “I’m going to bed.” He tells them, shoving his hands in his pockets, and making long strides towards his room without another word.

They watch him go, Jaejoong swallowing nervously, and wincing when he hears the door slam; a signal that they likely wouldn’t be seeing Changmin for the remainder of the day. Already he can see the fractures beginning to splinter within the group, they’re fast forming, and he heart sinks at the realisation.

“ _You don’t get to be sad about this_.” He tells himself mentally, dropping his head back to the floor. “ _You at least won’t have to be here again when things_ really _start to get ugly._ ”

Which is true. But he at least still _remembers_ when it had gotten to that stage, and the torment that it had wrought in its wake. He heaves a sob, chest aching as he forces himself to draw in much needed air.

“Jae… Come on Jae,” Yoochun begins softly, his voice mirroring the tone that Jaejoong had used to hear from his mother when he’d been a child crying over a broken toy. “Let’s go to bed already. Things will be better when you wake up.” He promises, and both he, and Yoochun pull Jaejoong up between them, slowly guiding him to take steps towards Yoochun’s and his shared bedroom.

They won’t. From now on, nothing is going to get better, it’s only slowly going to get worse for this timeline as it starts to disintegrate.

But… That was ok – it really was.

He’d made an agreement with himself that he was at least going to accept that, and as he pauses at threshold of his room, glancing about the apartment once last time. He wonders if it would really be so hard to do just that.

After all, he may not be in contact with _all_ of his members in the future. They were far spread now, and no longer living contently under the same roof. But they were still _alive_ , and as far as he knew, still in good health. He couldn’t be exactly sure that they were all truly _happy_. Yet, for them at least, there was still, however slim or small, a chance that one day, before they all kissed the sky goodnight one final time, that they come back together. Even if it wasn’t within the folds of music or standing together under the bright lights of the stage. But rather, even if it was just within the quiet privacy of one of their homes over a night long drink together, reminiscing over old memories, and times spent together under the roof he’s stood under right now. No matter how that meeting could be, he hopes that one day it will actually see fruition…

He wonders if the others secretly hope for the same as he lies within the darkness of his room, leeching warmth from Yoochun pressed against his back, and Junsu lying awkwardly over his legs.

He hopes that they do, wherever they are right now.

-X-

He doesn’t wake to anything.

No alarm, no light streaming in from the windows, nor a name on his lips itching to be cried out. There’s only silence, golden silence that leaves him confused and feeling oddly cold. Cold enough to keep him rolled up in the duvet draped around him.

It’s not the cold that keeps him rooted though. He still has the memories of the last time he’d been awake plaguing his mind and refusing to go back to the locked compartment of his mind that kept troubling thoughts from haunting him like a bad dream. Now fully released, it was going to take _months_ to semi compartmentalise them again into a state where he was able to go two minutes without wanting to have a mid-life crisis over them. There was a reason he owned so many cars, and not all of them could be blamed over fans chasing him down in top end spec vehicles. Technically speaking, he could after all, only drive one at a time.

He groans at the thought, and rolls over, screwing his eyes shut again; automatically assuming that he’s fallen into yet future where his decisions had sparked off enough set of horrible circumstances for him to discover. It always seemed to have ended up having gone horribly wrong after all anyway. So, if that logic still applied, then he didn’t need to leave the warmth of the bed to go and discover it for himself in person. The thought alone was enough, thank you very much destiny, fate, or whoever the hell was pulling the strings between this Korean tragedy. There’s no way he wants to play his part right now.

But…

It was all over now, right? He’d played the game the way it was meant to have been played, lived life the way he had the first go around, and let the group fall apart all over again.

Ah, he wanted to cry just thinking about it.

Rolling over onto his back, he stares up unseeingly at the ceiling, lifting an arm up, and covering his eyes until all he can see is the darkness behind the lids of his eyes. It seemed a better prospect to just stay in bed a while longer…

-X-

The second time doesn’t feel all that much different to the first.

He finds himself lying in what appears to be the same bed as before, the curtains still blocking out any kind of sunlight that might dare to enter. Curiosity peaked this time; he manages to actually find the will to pull himself upright to stare about the room; which seemed achingly familiar to his own now he looked a little closer. Still, that didn’t prove anything, and crushes that bold little bubble of hope that dares to surface. The first time this mess had started the place he’d woken up in had seemed like a carbon copy of his own home too. Only, when he’d wandered out, he’d found that assessment to be grossly untrue, and had been faced with a half-naked (unsurprisingly in shape) Yunho moments later.

However, he’s still curious, and desperately in need of a caffeinated drink, so he makes the decision to actually get up this time round; taking his duvet with him to fight off the cold of the aircon that was apparently on and blasting artic winds through the apartment. Wow, he really needed to learn to kill that habit. That or just learn how to set the damn timer on the digital display!

Outside the bedroom, he pauses mid mental tirade, looking about the place, and allowing that previous bubble of hope rise up when he finds nothing out of ordinary. Was he… Was he really home?

He spies a coffee cup sitting innocently on the table where he’d left it, right next to a pile of vividly familiar photographs, the very same as the one he’d been sifting through from before he’d fallen asleep and ended up fighting off a horde of undead creatures, only for Yunho to then di-

Yunho…

His mind swings to a set of CD’s suddenly, and before he can stop himself, he’s dropping the duvet from around himself, and diving towards his prized collection of CD’s. Deft fingers search through the titles, yanking cases from the cabinet, and dropping them to the floor in a cluttered heap in his quest to find two cases in particular. He pauses suddenly at the familiar coloured cases, carefully pulling the twin set free from their place, and bringing them close to himself. They’re right where he left them, and a smile pulls at his lips as he stares down at them, fingers tracing the covers gently as he does; a feeling of relief filling him up.

Everything was as it should be; he realises – almost a little forlorn. But, it was still better than what it could have been; a thought that keeps his smile in place as he slides the cases back into their spot. Though a bitter feeling still rears its ugly head as he goes to take a seat on the sofa, leaning his head back to stare up at his high ceiling and avoid the photographs staring up at him from the coffee table.

They’d worked so well together before… So, why couldn’t they be together now?

Almost as though answering his own question, the memory of his conversation with Yunho from one of the many pasts coming screaming back to him.

_“It’s better to improve on the present instead of chasing and trying to fix the past. After all, it’s the present that truly leads to future.”_

That’s what Yunho had told him, that time when they’d been sat together in the coffee shop. He’d been a little shocked at the time by Yunho’s insight, never having thought about it that way before. But now it makes sense to him. He’d never been able to move on before, and so he’d never stopped to think about the steps he was taking to patch things up. However, he wasn’t a child anymore, nor was he a wide-eyed teenager, fresh in front of the seedy underground lifestyle of the music industry. He was an adult, one with the power to make his own decisions, and choices; and right now, he’s got the perfect decision in mind to make.

Hurriedly he springs from the sofa, and back to his bedroom, snatching up phone from the bedside table, and plugging in his passcode into the lockscreen. He’s greeted by the adorable image of a recent snap he’d taken of his cats, and it only fuels him on with a giddy sense of apprehension. There’s only one person he can call right now who might help him in his quest to make this happen. One person ballsy enough to go against the grain. Nervously he finds them within his contacts list, and taps the call button, taking a deep breath, and bringing the phone to his ear.

“ _Ah, it’s early! What do you want?_ ”

Jaejoong rolls his eyes having expected the sass – typical.

“Heechul. I need a favour.” He says, getting straight to the point, nervously reaching up to twiddle with he ends of his hair.

“ _Ho-ho! What kind of favour?_ ” Heechul replies, sounding far too pleased with himself.

Jaejoong smiles shyly to himself, biting his lip to try and stop himself from smiling around his words.

“I need a mobile number from you…”

-X-

“Hey, it’s me… It’s… Been a while…”

-X-

“ _Even after all this time, across every version of us, in every world possible I’m still in love with you…_ ”

* * *

 

  **End Chapter Notes:**

So, I read somewhere that it was Yunho who taught Jaejoong how to skateboard? So that’s why that got included earlier on in the fic! ^_^ DISCLAIMER: I obviously don’t know how true that is, or even if there is any truth behind it what so ever. So, don’t take that as fact. I just thought it was pretty cute. I mean imagine those two dorks doing that. Yunho fretting about Jae falling, and Jae just being his dorky (and clumsy) self, and falling, and then afterwards them just laughing about it. Urg my heart <3 

 **Full disclaimer though!** I obviously don’t know how the original fight between the members went down. I honestly don’t think _anyone_ does except for them (and that’s fine!). So, this was just an imagining of what I partially think may have happened, based on rumours that I’ve seen, and tiny little tippets of some of what the boys have spoken about, and even then, I take it all with a huge pinch of salt! So yes, I don’t claim to know anything!

 Also, it wasn’t mentioned within the chapter, but for those who might have been wondering… The part where Jaejoong changes the future to where he’s still at SM (with Yunho, and Changmin), Junsu and Yoochun have gone onto try and create Cjes without Jaejoong, but Junsu mainly sticks to appearing in musicals, and Yoochun is sadly barely heard from except for dropping new solo songs without any promotion. They and Jaejoong don’t speak, and unfortunately left things on bad terms – hence why there’s no interaction between them. I would think by this point Jaejoong would understand what had happened, and likely wouldn’t want to reach out to them through fear of causing more heartache (semi akin to what happened during the timeline where Yoochun died).

 ANYWAY! My baby is finally finished, wowowowow, it’s been a wild ride. Thank you to every who had read, commented, and just sat through this monster. Honestly, I’m super grateful! I thought no one would even read this originally, so it was a surprise to find that people have been. I actually wanted to include this in the yunjae fic exchange that I saw a while back... But I don’t know how that all works, and I’m just too socially awkward to join >_< But feel free to share this story around if you like, cause there can never be enough YunJae fics out there right?

 I also want to write some more yunjae goodness anyway… So, if you guys want to see more of that hit me up! Let me know if you’d like to see any of the au’s that I wrote about in this fic come to life (spoiler: I kind of might have already drafted an idea for the WeddingPlanner!Jae one…) 

 **LINKS:**  
[Here](http://millitae.tumblr.com/) \- for my main blog (millitae)  
[Here](http://yunjaae.tumblr.com/) - for my YunJae side blog (yunjaee)  
Either's fine! I frequent both often.

**Author's Note:**

> So... The idea is that when Jaejoong makes a change within the past, his timeline changes, and he goes back to the future, and replaces the Jaejoong in the alternative world based on those decisions. I think it will make more sense once the chapters start rolling in. 
> 
> Everything is already drafted out for this story though, so it's really just a matter of writing it now. I was going to wait until I'd written more chapters, but I wanted to see what people thought of the story line first before I invested time, and started writing it all out.


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